The Fourth Wall~ Chapter VII

Guess whoooooooooooooooooooo. ITS EVIL SANTA. And this one is out of the kinkiness of my heart, I even did you two already.

Ok I am giving you a second review on this same work. Just to let you know, I did not read chapters 3, 4 5 and 6. I am going to review this as if there was not a large random block of people in between and it is continuing more on from chapter one, however I will consider the space that you have chosen to put in there.

I returned to the Young Master, feeling unusually tired, to find him practicing with his sword in the garden.

Alright, we just read six chapters. We have completely forgotten what happened in chapter one, no longer feel any emotional connection and wonder what on earth is going on. Since I didn't read most of the other stuff I still remember what just happened and I am still confused. Where is he returning from? Is this exactly right after he returned from the other world and that girl? Is he returning from a long visit to the bathroom? Is he returning from baking cookies with his granny? Who knows? I don't know for sure. Bob who read all 6 chapters doesn't know either. We can only guess. But one person does know. That's you.
Put it in.
For example, lets say that he just returned from his visit to the girl in the other world (since I have no idea what else it could possibly be) you could say something along the lines of:
"I blinked, adjusting my eyes as I returned back to the world of the young master. The transportation had been abrupt, and more disorientating and exhausting than surprising. After looking for a few moments for the young master, I found him in the garden...blahblahblah"

And that bring us to Lain. Lain being 'the young master'.
His dude just randomly vanished to a different world. If I was him i would be all like... what the...? then I would be less that complied to go wander around some garden. How much time has passed? It seems like quite a few hours. It didn't seem like hours in chapter one. And If I was lain i would be very surprised. Like "where the heck have you been man just ditching me like that" he wants answers. I mean I was quite intrigued and hooked by chapter one, and I know a lot of this harshness is probably fueled by frustration, you just need to consider your readers.

I never cared for human weapons, having no need what so ever to use them when I could achieve whatever I wanted by a thought and a glance, but there was something almost enchanting in watching the humans do so - each one had a different way of moving, and though I knew I'd be able to defeat each in a few minutes - even though I just took a sword in my hand a couple of times - it was always amusing to watch.

Ok... so technically this is one.. sentence.
One sentence.
Its a mouthful.
First of all, he just returned from LaLa-land and the first thing that crosses his mind is about weapons? Wouldn't he be thinking about the time that passed or what had just happened or what Lain is thinking? yeah but moving on lets get back to this whole thing being one sentence business.
"having no need what so ever to use them when I could achieve whatever I wanted by a thought and a glance"
that whole phrase is just.... just out. Too many words, too many stuff in it. This is how I would would re-write it.
"I never cared for human weapons, having no need to use them. I could simply achieve whatever I wanted through nothing more than a thought or a glance. " That's not even your whole sentence and I already turned it into two sentences. Shorter, less run-on, much more user-friendly.
"but there was something almost enchanting in watching the humans do so"
Do what so? This makes no sense. You know what the rest of the sentence is still blah, I am going to re-arrange the whole thing straight off the bat.

Blackwoods VersionI never cared for human weapons, having no need to use them. I could simply achieve whatever I wanted through nothing more than a thought or a glance. There was something enchanting in watching the humans at sword play - each one had a different way of moving, a different way of controlling their toy. I knew that obviously I'd be able to defeat each in a few minutes, even without any form of sword training; but still... it was always amusing to watch.

Next bit

My Young Master was pale, and his eyes were burning as they fell on me. I stopped, far enough from him, observing as he put the sword down. His hair was wet, its wavy strands falling over his forehead, shading his eyes, and he was breathing heavily, gripping the sword's handle. I smiled for myself, fairly sure he'd been practicing all morning.

Ok first of all this is irrelevant to this paragraph but this whole time I have been under the impression that Lain is a 10 year old boy or somewhere around that. If this was not your intention you have VERY MUCH to fix in the initial chapter.
Back to this section.
"My Young Master was pale"
Ok? How is this relevant. Being pale is not something you associate with physical activity. If you said he was flustered it would make sense. Saying he is pale is a bit random.
"I stopped, far enough from him"
Far enough from him to what? It doesn't work if you don't tell us why/what. far enough from him to lick his face? Far enough from him to throw a ball to him? Far enough from him that he couldn't see me? What is he going to do? How far is far enough?

"he put the sword down. His hair was...long description of stuff...., gripping the sword's handle."
Yeah LOOK AT THIS. He just put the sword down but now he is gripping its handle again? You have some major error here. The sword got put down then teleported back into his hand.
Fix this


Put a line break between that last section above and this following section. Not a paragraph break but a line break. It is impossible to do line breaks because of the formatting of publishing centre but wherever else this story is saved do one. A line break is like so that the next line.
Just got missed like I just did.

There weren't many things my Young Master feared - compared to the others humans I've met, it was almost surprising - but those few that he did, he feared with intensity which surpassed my understanding of his kind. I knew, because I remembered seeing him in that dungeon and hearing his words back when he was small enough for a sword to be too heavy for him, of everything he's been through, and I very well knew he had to make a choice.

I am breaking this into two points.
1. Ok how is fear relevant to this unless he is supposed to be scared of August or something and if he is SAY SO.
2. The previous chapter on these guys was just about the dungeon.... ok now that I re-read it again it wasn't as badly repeated as I initially thought. never mind then.

And he did, a choice I could've almost been proud of; for when he had to pick between controlling the fear of what could hurt him, and the one of what could hurt others, he picked the latter. Choosing between a blade and a touch, he chose to rather be able to kill than to kiss another human.

"and the one of what could hurt others"
What? Yeah what? That makes no sense. I cant even re-arrange it because I am way to what to do anything. The one of which could what of one hurt what others? And now that i think about it the predeceasing statement was just as confusing. You have presented a choice, the readers also with a choice, and I as a reader do not understand what this choice is. I understand what it is after you say between kill and kiss but that initial statement was just foggy. I actually like the line
" he chose to rather be able to kill than to kiss " it is quite nice and gets exactly what you mean across. In fact I don't even think you need "another human" you could simply end it there. I mean is he going to go around kissing frogs or something? Loving some alien? Knowing you then you will probably make it so Lain and August have some sort of twisted relationship but the two words could be omitted.


I quite like what you have portrayed in this story in the proceeding section. The idea of the humans wanting to be remembered. This is a good idea and I like how you have pulled it off, however I am sure I can find some stuff to nitpick in it.

"August?"
My eyes snapped up, but he turned his away. "Yes?"
"How many other masters.." He seemed to have noticed me frowning, because he suddenly changed the direction of the question. "How many other Contractors did you have?"
Contractors, I thought to myself. Much, much better than calling them my masters. I will address you as such, mortal boy, but never forget how easy the roles might change.
"I have lived for many years," I said. "There comes a time when one stops counting."
He was silent for a moment. "And all of them, do you remember them? Do you remember their names?"

Ok the first half of this is very good. There is nothing I want to change there. I like how you pulled off his changing of question and how August regarded this.
My first problem arises at this line.
"I will address you as such, mortal boy, but never forget how easy the roles might change."
In all honesty this may be a personal thing to be but I don't really like how August is addressing Lain in his own thoughts and how he is doing it. Technically this whole entire narrative is Augusts thoughts, so this peculiar distinction is abrupt. Here is how I would re-write this particular part:
"Contractors. It sounded so much better than calling them my masters. I smiled to myself on the inside, one of cunning and content, playing out a silent line in my head; I will address you as such, mortal boy, but never forget how easy those roles may change."
Alternately simply cut out this entire bit. "I will address you as such, mortal boy, but never forget how easy those roles may change." I don't know what those roles are, and I get what you mean already.

I smirked at the question. It was the one they all asked, sooner or later, as the cognition would hit them that their Contract will not last forever. Will you remember me, in centuries that come long after I die? I found it intriguing how none of them was strong enough to phrase their question that way - after all, that was all they wanted to know, for one reason or another. Humans care so much to be remembered.

Ok before I start this section I have another unrelated note. I noticed this whole time I have no idea what august is, what the contacts is, whats going to happen. I assume you will reveal this later but let me point it out to you because I am still pondering.
Back to the section.
No comma here. "It was the one they all asked sooner or later," or alternately "It was the one they all asked... sooner or later,"
The rest of it is fine.
No further comment.

"Many Contracts, many names," I replied. "I do remember them, yes, even though the history has forgotten most of them..but it would be foolish to think I will remember them all forever."

This whole statement is going around in circles, contradicting itself like a snake eating its own tail.
First he says "I do remember them" then he says "but it would be foolish to think I will remember them forever."
From this story you make it out that he has already be around for almost forever. If he hasn't forgotten them already then why would he forget them. You need to clarify this.

This reminds me of another point that is unrelated to this section but is about your story as a whole. I noticed that between chapter one and two there seemed to be a very odd time difference. Is one based in the past? One in the future? Or are they simply different worlds. I recommencement labeling them either with dates or with names of the worlds.

Moving on...

Young Master nodded, staying serious, observing the blade in his hand. So young, the thought suddenly flashed through my mind. Human lives were so short - and yet, for promises of power and to get their desires fulfilled, they were ready to give away all those years they were supposed to consider precious. The Young Master was practically a child. The girl who so foolishly called for me the night before, she was even younger. I felt my lips stretching into a smile. Soon enough, I will once more be masterless. And with more than a few worlds to choose between..

First thing first.
There is no such word as masterless
Get it right. I recommend saying "I will once more be without a master."
"and yet, for promises of power and to get their desires fulfilled, they were ready to give away all those years they were supposed to consider precious."
this line could be simplified. For example:
"and yet, for promises of power, their fulfillment of desire, they were ready to sacrifice all of those years that were supposed to be precious."
I remember you used the word foolish in the last paragraph. You should avoid repeating words so often.
Ok we finally have a timescale. He got teleported the night before. I don't know how I should take this. Was he really gone for all those hours or was he really just coming back from a bathroom break at the beginning of this chapter?

"You should go get something to eat," I said, watching as he nodded and then ran the sword through the heart of the dummy he's been practicing with. With some strange, absentminded expression, he turned and walked away, not waiting for me to follow.

This time, I didn't go after him, though usually I had nothing better to do than physically watch over him, but rather kept staring at his back until he disappeared from my sight.

Ok so its true the sword really did teleport to his hand. I swear I read that he put it down, in fact I thought he was talking to August... Also not only that but you suddenly switch to present tense in the middle of that sentence. Just get rid of it. Don't even cremate it this time. I would hit it over the head with a broke bottle. Dig a hole in your grandmas backyard. Bury it. Plant a tree over the top of it. Build a doghouse over the top of it. Put in a really angry dog. That way the forensic investigators would never want to dig up that patch when searching for the remains after you have been charged and arrested for murder. Done and done. Your end result should be like this:
""You should go get something to eat," I suggested. He nodded and then with some strange, absentminded expression, he turned and walked away, not waiting for me to follow."
Ok the next bit is odd too.
"This time, I didn't go after him, though usually I had nothing better to do than physically watch over him, but rather kept staring at his back until he disappeared from my sight."
Just read that again. I will leave that up to you to re-word.

Still a fairly small child, alone in that dungeon, cast in there for being a descendant of a tyrant, waiting to die along with the others. The dawn after I came to him, he had lost everyone he's ever known, after the allies of his parents turned against their way of ruling the land - yet he only found out about it after he got strong enough again. He did let me touch him then, though I couldn't even tell if he was truly aware of my presence, to tend his wounds and not let him die.

Now we're talking baby. I have some history on Lain, I now vaguely know who/what he is.
"The dawn after I came to him, he had lost everyone he's ever known, after the allies of his parents turned against their way of ruling the land "
You like dawn too much. No offence but.. yeah, apparently it was dawn when you got him, and now its dawn the morning after you got him. Dawn. No. No more dawn. Try some other words like "morning" "day" "perpetual time in space".
Also change 'he's' to'he had'
"after the allies of his parents turned against their way of ruling the land" What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
Sorry... yeah.. what?
Do you get my point?
Not going to rewrite that, of course you can always pay me to. It costs a gift per sentence, a review per equivalent paragraph. You already are in debt!
" yet he only found out about it after he got strong enough again. He did let me touch him then, though I couldn't even tell if he was truly aware of my presence, to tend his wounds and not let him die." Can I just fire you? Or can you fire me? Fire me form being your secret Santa ok? That part is just as 'What?' as the previous. Just re-write that whole block.
The whole paragraph is good because it tells me his history. I just think your word got a bit jumbled. They can be smoothed up.

It would've been so easy to just do the opposite, let him slip from the world he lived in, straight into the arms of Death - more than once, burning in those cold winter nights, he had asked me to do it, but my Contract bounded me not to let him die.

Lovely. No comment.

The light of his soul was almost blinding at times, its song the kind which would break hearts if humans could hear it, and I wanted it.

"The light of his soul was almost blinding. Its song so pure that it would rend the hearts of humans if only they could hear it. But they couldn't, however I could..and I wanted it."

I walked over to the sword, running my finger over the blade as I took it out of the dummy. It was a good sword - as much as I cared to understand - and three deep purple gemstones decorated its handle. I frowned slightly at the colour, feeling a strange sensation in my chest, one I haven't felt in years, even centuries.

Ok we have a problem with that sword thing. How about you just have him not put it down in the first place all the way back there.

It was one of those human things, one of those consequences which came with taking that form, one of those poisons they just weren't resilient to. Even though I would've never admitted it, I knew exactly which one. I hadn't liked it then, and I didn't like it now, yet neither time could I resist it, and it would always, without an exception and inevitably, come back as I'd think of one particular name.

This is very cryptic, I am unsure what you are referring to.
What poisons?
What consequences?
What admitted to?
What one?
Resist what?
What exception?

The girl was again in her room as I left my Young Master to visit her world, sitting there and holding a pile of papers in her hands, which she put down as I stepped out of the shadows. I didn't need to see the title, nor the handwriting, to know exactly what it was. Interesting. Now that casts a whole new light to the whole story.

Good up till the italics. You need to say that the content of the paper is what is interesting and is casting the new light. It took me 3 reads to get it.

"Have you decided?" I asked, not bothering to keep my voice down, knowing no one could really even hear us, feeling my inside tingling with desire to explore the world I'd been brought in.

Where you say "have you decided" is good. I like the way you the said "I asked" your use of sentence is good here. I like how you describe his feelings when you say about his insides tingling. It is good. very good. Of course good. yes good.

I have a headache. I wrote this whole thing seriously so far. please excuse me if I start to go cry once again. I mean crazy, although I may do both. So yes bear with me sweet Aria, as you already have for my previous two reviews. Although my assumptions may not be correct, and many more professional critiques disagree with me, I simply write to your best interests, not to undermine you, but to reveal your beauty it its fullest write as your words across the page arch to their full potential. And that potential is love, like the love between a mother and child, like the love between a whale and the vast stomach in which it contains its food. The bond is beautiful and the whale slowly engulfs you into its intestine to bathe in the residue of penguins, fish and cornflour oil. The taste as it leaves the ocean is but like music to your eyes, simply unicorns fly across sever galaxies of tuna. And there they make love to orange poodles with selfless for their face and that melodiousness and disregardful underdog takes care of your Fassbinder.

If you know what I mean....

I didn't care to hear the last line - but just as the question my Young Master has asked, it too was always repeated. I wasn't the one who needed to hear they were sure in their choices - but they always had to hear themselves say it out loud.

What was repeated?
Try getting rid of the "- but" and replacing it with a semicolon.

I glanced at the manuscript, the pile of papers she was holding before, wondering if she'd ever read it. The next moment, I wondered how much is even written in there. It was one of the worlds I never planned on returning to.

Ok this is where I got confused. I have no idea what these papers are, I assumed that it was something that she wrote? Why wouldn't have she read it? You need some clarification here.

The next part is good. I like the concept of signing by desire; very nice.

She took a deep breath, and once more I knew exactly what she wanted. After all, humans were so predictable.

I am really curious as to what she wants. I have noticed that you do tend to hide a lot from your readers. This is good at the beginning but considering that this is chapter six already I would like some answers. I am not saying you must but you leave your readers curious. This is good but you must keep giving them tastes or else they will stop craving. As an example when I see chocolate I want it. When I see chocolate that I don't have after a while I give up, however if I was given a morsel of taste of that I would intensely crave it more because I really like chocolate. It tastes very good.
Yes.
That is all.
Oh an santa is tired now, this will most likely be santas last review. You know you have enlightened me to reading chapter in where I previously would only review poetry. Please enjoy this song of gratitude.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birth day to you. And we wish you a merry christmas. happy birthday to you.
*bows*
Yeah..
so..
enjoy your life...
and I'll be back.