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Young Writers Society



Reminiscence (Part Two)

by crossroads


(Well, this was actually written first. But somehow after posting it here, I decided to rearrange the pieces.. I think it pretty much works whichever way I put them, and I'm happy that I managed to make it happen ^_^ This is a story told from five POVs, by people from different time periods. Some of the POVs are rather long - as you saw before - and some are really short - as you'll see later. As always, note that English is not my 1st language and all. Every comment and critique is welcomed!)

*

She stands in silence as he leaves, her breath turning to clouds in front of her lips, mist slowly crawling around her feet. She can feel the coldness, and freezing wind as it whispers its poems. The path in front of her is covered with snow, and frosty ornaments spread along its surface as if no one ever walked on it. And snowflakes, white and both enchanting and terrifying as they remind her of ashes, falling on her skin. Ashes threatening to burry a fallen city, to fall over the roofs of her and her friends' houses, and to hide forever the streets and parks she so much loves.
But she has no choice. She has to make the deal.
If not, everyone will die - well, everyone she cares about.
The hand on her shoulder is just slightly warmer than the air around, and she knows who it is without even giving him a glance.
"You did not need to come", she says, her voice softly breaking the silence of the night. Man next to her nods.
"Sure I did. You were seconds away from running after him", he says, his voice deeper but just as quiet as hers. She crosses her arms on her chest.
"I know I can't", she says without looking at him.
"You should know you mustn't", he replies.
None of them says another word as they walk back down the empty road.
*
He wakes up with a twitch, his skin cold as ice and his hair sticking out around his head like a bush. He gets up slowly, waiting for a moment for headache to pass, and then walks to the bathroom, his steps echoing in the empty hallway.
Water is hot, tiny drops seem to burn his skin, but he stays in the bath for almost half an hour. Than he changes to his daily clothes and rushes down the stairs to the dining room, his hair still wet.

His mother lifts her head up as he comes in - his father and brothers don't even give him a glance. He sits at his place, left to his father, with mother sitting and watching him from the other side.
"I dreamt of her again", he says, breaking the silence. His mother sighs. "Of my sister."
"You don't have a sister", says the youngest boy at the table, but the other hushes him.
"Have you taken your meds?", asks the mother.
"Of course", he says, shortly.
Of course not. He hasn't taken the meds ever since the first dream. It's the only thing still connecting him with his sister - and he will never let go of it. That he has promised, both to himself and to the memory of her.
He looks down at his hands, laying on the table next to the untouched breakfast: his pale skin, thin as paper, always cold and with visible blue veins under it. He suddenly gets up.
"Excuse me, I…"
"Sit!", hisses his father. "You are the heir of the house Alistair, for once act like one."
"I am acting like one, father", he replies calmly. "My fencing tutor is almost here, and I do need to get ready for him."
After all, he thinks as he leaves his family and heading to his room, I'll probably be dead before any of them.
*

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20 Reviews

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Mon Mar 18, 2013 10:20 pm
BiancaLU says...



Hi Aria!

Your story is amazingly interesting. I love your use of words and the mystery they bring.
I tried writing a fictional piece on lords and kingdoms sometime ago, but it never worked out. I'm guessing I simply don't have the knack for it. You most certainly do!!

One thing I noticed as I read this part, and the first as well, was that you misused the word "than" for "then."

Good luck with your writing! :)

- Bianca




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Sun Jan 27, 2013 6:33 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey there, sis!

Again, this is painstakingly brief. Now brief chapters are a thing, yes, but I like mine slightly longer. Especially in a more serious fantasy, which this seems to be.

This could easily be bulked out without needing to add anything, by, yes, adding in some description! The thing is, it's quite useful. One of its many uses being, we know what time period the work is set in. My first impression was a Victorian parallel, but I'm biased because I know you like the Victorian age. However, it's not exactly congruent with the dialogue. I'm assuming this is a high-class family, what with the lords and all. But it's not formal enough, and they certainly wouldn't have used the term 'meds' at that age. So, this is a more modern setting.

Furthermore, some dialogue is actually very awkward. Like yes, this:

"I dreamt of her again", he says, breaking the silence. His mother sighs. "Of my sister."


I assume you know what I'm talking about (for some reason YWS gives me 'dreamt' as incorrect. But it isn't. Hm).


Well, overall, check your dialogue, and for the love of sheep do bulk your chapters out with some healthy description.

Hope this helped
~Ita




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Sun Jan 06, 2013 6:44 am
Lycando wrote a review...



Hi there, after reading this I have a few things to say!

First off, I love reading this. The words you use are very descriptive, and draws the character in to how to character is feeling. Sensory touches, like talking about how cold it was and how the character was affected by it.

Since I have not read the first part of the story, I shall just critique based on this chapter. I find that both the characters here are very similar, but their true self is not portrayed here. Both of them seem to be under the pressure of following orders and do not have an alternative way out. Their emotions in this story are monotonous and not varied. No anger or sadness. Maybe that's how you meant it to be though, cold and without any feel.

The dialogue was confusing and messy at some parts like.

"I dreamt of her again", he says, breaking the silence. His mother sighs. "Of my sister."

You could have combined the two parts of the dialogue to make it flow smoother. The phrase "His mother sighs" seems awkwardly placed there.

One thing though, if the guy character had "pale skin, thin as paper, always cold and with visible blue veins under it.", he wouldn't be too fit for fencing would he? Those words make him look very weak, like a sickly person.

These are just my opinions on this, so do take them with a pinch of salt. Hope that my review helped! :)




crossroads says...


Thanks! :)

I must say, though (not for self-promoting, but really) that some things may be clearer for you if you've read the first part too ^^

About them being similar, there's a good reason for it, but it's far from known yet so I won't spoil the story by telling more now.

The dialogue really is a bit awkward at those parts, thanks for warning me ^^

As for him.. He's ill, he's dying (it's said in the first chapter), and his family knows it. However, he's much more reconciled with it that they are, especially considering that he's the oldest son, the heir, blah blah.. The fencing thing was really just his excuse to leave them, as he knew no one will make the kind of comment you have (he's a manipulative kid), since he's so "fragile" and doesn't have much left and all that :mrgreen:
All that, I confess, may not be clear from the first two parts I posted, but when you get to know the character, I'm sure you'll get why he's doing all he's doing, even when you look at his actions backwards :) that is, if I ever post enough of the story here.. And it actually goes for both of these two, and all of the others.

Thank you again for your review, I'm very glad you shared your opinion with me! ^_^
(feel free to do it anytime again)

Aria




you should no this
— Hijinks