Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I always knew something was a little off about me. I could never put my finger on it, but I think I know what it could be now. I'm bisexual. As in I like both guys and girls. Yeah. I think that's what is different. Why I haven't had a boyfriend before. I'm 14, by the way.
I mean the first time I realized that I was actually bi was just a few weeks ago. I was at school in my psychology class when I realized I was staring at this girl a little too much. I'm not going to put names in here because some of my friends read my writing on here, (sorry.) This girl is a bitch. Like she's just a bitch. Nothing else. Treats everyone like crap. But the thing is, she's like gorgeous. So when I caught myself going into lala-land looking at her, I thought:
"Huh."
"Maybe I should reconsider my sexuality."
It seems sudden and unrealistic, but I swear to God that's what happened.
So, I sat alone in my room at 12pm. I reflected back on my life so far, back in middle school and in my new school. I found something that I found shocking- I always admired girls' looks over boys'. I mean I enjoyed both views, don't get me wrong, but I always looked for girls' looks over guys'.
Even back in middle school. I was attracted to girls. I just never had the thought I "like-liked" them, I always just thought "Oh, I just want to be friends." Cliche, I know.
But now that I'm in my new high school, I had the self-confidence to look at myself as a person and realize- "Hey, I'm bisexual." For once I wasn't scared to realize who I am.
It's amazing what you can find out about yourself when you just think to look.
So once I realized this, I looked for people I was "attracted" to in my life. This was a bad idea. I ended up thinking one of my best friends was pretty cute. Again, this was a VERY bad idea. She was straight as a pole. So I just admired from afar for a few days before I finally snapped out of it, and realized I was being an idiot. I can't crush on my best friend. No one besides one of my friends knows who this person is, and I'd like to keep it that way.
So I trashed that idea, and just let my ideas about my sexuality go for a bit.
Then, I had an epiphany of sorts. Or like a "great realization."
There was this girl. I "hated" her. Hated. Hah, more like "like-liked." I realized- wow. I really like her. The mind does some amazing stuff to protect itself. I just wasn't ready to know that I liked her, so I think my brain made me think I hated her. Thats's my theory, at least.
...... I don't know why I like her.
Yeah, that sounds odd. I really don't know why I like her. There's nothing really that jumps out to me. I just..... like her. I'm naturally attracted. I can't explain it. The same way I couldn't answer someone when they asked why I hated her, I can't answer them when they ask why I like her either.
Of course, I've kept this on lockdown. Top secret. Not even my family knows I am bi. Only four of my friends. I would trust two of them with my life, and the other two don't care enough to tell anyone anything. So my secret is safe for now.
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The thing is, since I realized this about myself, I've become much more confident. Even though I can't act on my attraction to this girl because she's straight, I've never been more happy. I finally know myself. I finally know who I am. Sounds cheesy, but I am so much more comfortable with myself.
I'm really excited to start this new chapter.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to get this out. Maybe some of you feel the same way as me, feel free to comment. Just putting this into words takes the whole weight of secrecy off my shoulders. So sorry if this isn't grammatically correct, I just wanted to put my story out there.
Love you guys.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hello, steampowered here with a review to rescue your work from the Green Room! I always feel a bit cautious when it comes to reviewing autobiographical works which have a lot of meaning for the person who wrote them, so I apologise if I inadvertently cause any offence.
Firstly, I should probably congratulate you for posting this, especially since you said people from your school also use the website. It takes a lot of bravery to actually come out, even to a bunch of strangers when you have a degree of anonymity, and actually voice things you’ve kept hidden from people you know in real life. I’m also hiding personal things from people in real life, mainly because I’m worried about their reactions, so this is a really good thing for anyone to read, not just those of different sexualities.
Secondly, one small nitpick – when you write in ellipses (…) you only need three dots, not four. If you’re typing on a computer program like Microsoft Word, it should automatically re-space the three dots for you.
Thanks for sharing this piece – I feel like it might help someone who is going through the same journey of self-discovery and realisation as you are. As Rascalover already pointed out, I think you meant 12am instead of 12pm? (12am is midnight and 12pm is midday)
Anyway, best of luck, and keep writing!
-steampowered-
Hi!!
I really enjoyed this because it was fresh and a new perspective on an old topic. I like the diary feel of this project, and I think if you stuck with it, you could turn this into a novel or short story depending on your attention span to this. It was raw and honest, which I think would bring in a broader audience.
I like it when you explain you think you hated her because she really liked her and didn't know how to express it. This is something heterosexuals are told from a young age, if a boy likes you he will be mean at first and probably tease you, but I've never heard it come from anyone of other sexualities before. Like if your a girl another girl might depose you because she jealous and in love with you. That's a fresh idea.
I realize this is about your life and I applaud your bravery for putting it on here even though you know your friends read these kind of things. I would go back and read it out loud to fix some grammar and punctuational mistakes, also i think you meant midnight instead of 12pm because wouldn't you have been at school at 12pm instead of your bedroom? But that's just a guess.
Thanks for the great read,
~Tiffany
hey crobbins!
I'd like to thank you actually. After reading your work of art, I felt a wave of confidence, gushing right through me. Well, I kind of lacked that! And hey, it was not boring at all! I really liked it.
That's all for now.
~ Kay
Aw, thanks! I'm glad I could help and make you feel confident. I'm also glad it wasn't boring! Thanks again!!!!
Happy Writing!
<3
I read this whole thing easily. I found it super interesting and I don't even know what to say... Maybe thank you is a start. Thank you for reminding me that there are people in this world who can be themselves and aren't really afraid of it. Once you get out of high school there is a whole new world and people aren't so damn judgmental. Keep your head up! You are a rare diamond. Isn't love crazy sometimes?
Anyways don't let anyone get to you. Be yourself and be confident. By the way, I am practically engaged to my guy... But I am pretty sure most girls feel at least a little bit attracted to a gorgeous woman.....
Thanks so much. It really means a lot, and thanks for your reassuring words. And yeah I really can't wait to get out of high school. Congrats with your almost engagement, and I hope for the best!!! Thanks again!
Happy Writing!
<3