One:
The New Kid
He was sitting at my desk. At first, I thought I was in the wrong class.
I checked for the familiar Spanish verb charts on the walls. Sure enough, I was in Señora Mendoza’s first period Spanish class. At least I was where I was supposed to be.
I didn’t really understand; I’d never seen this kid before today. Embergrove High wasn’t a huge school, but it wasn’t small either, so it was quite possible I just didn’t know him. But then again, how could I not? Embergrove was really preppy and he was so… so emo; he almost looked like Pete Wentz, only a little chubby. And those emerald eyes! No, there was no way in hell I could miss him.
“Um,” I said to the mystery boy, “I’m sorry, but you’re in my seat.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize,” he said. He smiled a light, kindhearted smile that reached the eyes.
I couldn’t speak for a moment. I just sort of stood there, looking stupid with my damp brunette hair.
“Do you want me to move?”
“No,” I said. “No, it’s fine. We don’t have assigned seats. I’ll just sit over here.” I dropped my book bag in the desk across the row. “Um, I’m sorry, but I was just wondering, who are you? I mean I haven’t seen you around.”
“I’m Liam.”
“I’m Selena.”
The last of the stragglers in the hallway rushed into the room just as the bell rang.
“Hello there,” said the voice of Roslyn Jacobs. She sat right next to Liam, flipping her fiery hair. “I don’t think I know you.”
“I’m Liam.”
“I’m Roslyn.”
I can’t stand her! I thought as she proceeded to flirt with him. Roslyn, while sweet and sassy on the inside, was a controlling, power hungry little witch on the inside.
When we were in pre-k, I did ballet. Roslyn did that and gymnastics. In fifth grade, I went out with Mark Irving. Roslyn stole him from me. And this year, I joined the crew team. She joined and is in the varsity boat her novice year. She’s shown me up in almost everything I’ve done.
But, surprisingly, he didn’t seem too interested in her. Instead he just looked back at me with those amazing eyes and flawless smile. I played with my hair nervously and plopped down in my desk.
“Hola clase,” said Señora Mendoza in Spanish. “Silencio por favor.”
Señora Mendoza was a fairly attractive woman of about thirty-five years. Her brilliant brown hair was pinned in a bun at the nape of her neck and she was wearing a pink blouse and khakis.
“Now, class,” she said, “if you haven’t already noticed, we have a new student, Señor Lombardi.”
He stood and walked to the front of the room.
“Tell us about yourself.”
“Hi,” he began, “I’m Liam Lombardi. Um… I moved here from Maine.”
“Thank you, Liam. You can return to your seat.”
He nodded and walked back to his desk.
“Abre su libro a la página cuarenta y seis,” said Mrs. Mendoza.
The class dragged on for sixty more minutes before the bell finally rang for us to go to second period.
I tried to haul my backpack off the floor when the bottom fell out. All of my books and papers were scattered across the room.
Cursing myself for not sewing up that hole when I first noticed it and thanking God that Roslyn had left already, I proceeded to gather my belongings.
“You need a hand?” Liam said, holding out his hand to help me up.
“Yeah, thanks,” I said.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I looked at the clock. I had less than three minutes to get my sorry self, with a destroyed backpack, all the way across the school to English.
“What do you have next?”
“English. There’s no way I can get there in time. It’s like a half a mile away.” That wasn’t an exaggeration, either. It really was almost a mile to get to the other side of the school.
“I’ll help you.”
“Thanks,” I said, “But won’t you be late?”
“Only if we’re both late. I have English next, too,” He took a couple of books.
We slipped into English at the last second.
“Cutting it very close there, Selena and… what’s your name?” said Mrs. Pikin.
“Liam,” he replied. “Liam Lombardi.”
“Well, Mr. Lombardi, welcome to Embergrove. Please, take your seats.”
I went to the back corner of the room and placed my books on the desk. Liam did the same and sat in the desk beside mine.
Mrs. Pikin went on some random Grammar Nazi lecture. I couldn’t pay attention, and apparently neither could Liam. The whole class I could feel him looking at me, but once I turned to look at him, he turned away.
I flipped my hair, trying to make nothing of it. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him shift uncomfortably in his seat.
He was staring at me, not even bothering to blink, with a confused frown on his face.
Finally the bell rang for lunch. I grabbed my stack of books and rushed to my locker, which, thank God, was only three classrooms away.
Juggling my books, I put in my combination and threw my books in, stuffing my useless book bag all the way to the bottom. I slammed it shut and ran to the gym.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Liam wasn’t in my P.E. class.
“Okay,” said Coach Greenwell, “we’re running the mile today, so warm up and stretch good.”
The mile. That’s good. Running the mile was the only thing I liked about P.E. It gave me a chance to relive some stress and sort out my thoughts.
After running, Liam was the last thing on my mind. Right now, all I could think about was lunch.
Our cafeteria is just like any other cafeteria; large enough for people to fit but small enough to make it uncomfortable.
I got my usual, pizza and french-fries, and searched through the sea of people for my best friend of thirteen years, Diana.
“Hey,” I said, sitting down beside her.
“Hey, Selena,” she said. “So, have you seen the new kid yet? I just met him last period. He’s such a babe. Emo guys are so hot!”
“Yeah, I’ve met him,” I said. “He was staring. At me.”
“Who? The emo kid?”
“Yes!
She laughed. “Staring? Selena, have you lost your mind?”
“Probably.”
“Either he has an issue, or he thinks you’re hot. Or both.”
“I doubt he thinks I’m hot. Really. He’s way out of my league.”
“Hey.”
“I know that ‘hey’,” I said. “You only do that when—,”
“I have an idea.”
“Not again,” I groaned. “What is it this time?”
The last time Diana came up with one of her ‘plans’ we were about ten. She thought it would be awesome to spend the whole night in the mall.
I love Diana to bits, but sometimes she can be so stupid.
“I say,” she began, a devilish twinkle in her eye, “we ask him. Now.”
“What? No way,” I protested.
“Oh, do not tell me you’re not curious about him. And the whole staring thing? Don’t you want to know what his deal is?”
“Yeah but at the same time, I don’t want to look like an idiot.”
__________________________________
It's not complete, or anywhere near complete. I just sort of started to write and want to know if I should keep going.
Peace,
Crewgurl
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Thank you for your advice. I took it very seriously.
As for it being a lot like Twilight, I have on thing to say- Liam is NOT a vampire. I never intended him to be one and certainly never shall make him one. I think I accidentally put the hand in the freezer thing in there by mistake, because Liam isn't a vampire. I haven't quite figured out what he is yet, but vampire was not on the list.
Anyway, I hope I made it less like Twilight and more original.
Thank you so much.
Crewgurl
I've never heard of Twilight.... so... I'll just crit now -.-"
Take out the "he said" in the first paragraph, and have her just say 'hi. I'm...'
It was supposed to be a normal, average Tuesday. And it was. Until I saw him
BOM BOM!!!!!!!!!! Ah, music. We need to know what a normal Tuesday is like, because what is normal for us......... is probably not normal for her.
I didn’t really understand; I’d never seen this kid before today.
Embergrove High wasn’t a huge school, but it wasn’t small either, so it was quite possible I just didn’t know him.
But then again, how could I not? His nearly black hair looked so different from the rest of my bleach-blonde classmates. And those emerald eyes! No, there was no way in hell I could miss him
These can be combined into on paragraph. The description at the end isn't the greatest. I mean, how is it possible for EVERYONE except this guy and her to have blonde hair? Maybe compared to his hair, everyone elses looks blond...?
He gave me a crooked grin. My heart fluttered with excitement. He looked so gorgeous.
I couldn’t speak for a moment. I just sort of stood there, looking stupid in my purple American Eagle shirt and still damp brunette hair
Combine these into a paragraph. Hm. Since what the other authors have said about Twilight, I suggest to draw her in with another feature. The eyes would be a good one, though be carefull because they are used a lot.
“Do you want me to move?” he said, breaking the silence.
“No,” I said. “No, it’s fine. I’ll just sit here.” I dropped my book bag in the desk across the row. “Um, I’m sorry, but I was just wondering, who are you? I mean I haven’t seen you around.”
Take out the 'he said' in the first paragraph.
If she doesn't want him to move, then WHY did she say anything in the first place? Unless the teacher has assigned seating.... XP
Still smiling, he replied, “I’m Liam.”
“Hi, Liam,” I said, making an attempt to look somewhat friendly. “I’m Selena.”
First.... 'Liam' is an Irish name. Just thought you should know
“Hello there,” said the sickeningly sweet voice of Roslyn Jacobs. She came, in all her platinum blonde, breast implanted glory, and sat right next to Liam. “I don’t think I know you.”
I must agree with Arya with this one. It is really, REALLY cliche. Unlike Ayra... I find it really annoying. I mean, when I first read the name Roslyn, I imagined a tall athletic red-head, not a bimbo.
Remember that you can't simply 'evilize' characters, because it makes your work sound childish. We need to know the history of these two. Did they simply drift apart, or did one take sports or school more seriously? We need to know why they aren't friends now.
Roslyn leaned over to him and whispered, “Romania? That’s hot.” She was making another attempt at being the next Paris Hilton, both talent less and trashy.
Cut the reference to Paris Hilton. First, we all don't hold the same opinion of her, and second, it dates your work. Trust me, you DO NOT want to date your work.
“Um,” said Mark Irving, “what?”
Who is this guy? How is he connected to the main character?
All the while, I failed to notice Liam watching me. I met his gaze as I opened my book. For a moment, the world seemed to stop and fade away. It was just me and him against time
...
You can write a lot better than this ^^^^^^^. We need to know what she feels. Remember, she know's NOTHING- wait, she knows his name and where he's from- but other than that, NOTHING about this guy.
I tried to haul my backpack off the floor when the bottom fell out. All of my books and papers were scattered across the room.
Cursing myself for not sewing up that hole when I first noticed it and thanking God that Roslyn had left already, I proceeded to gather my belongings.
“You need a hand?” Liam said, holding out his hand to help me up.
“Yeah, thanks,” I said, taking it. I was shocked at how cold it was. For a moment, I thought I’d stuck my arm in a freezer.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I looked at the clock. I had less than two minutes to get my sorry self, with a destroyed backpack, all the way across the school to English.
“What do you have next?” he asked in that all too perfect accent
BOM BOM!!!!!!!! And Gandalf saves the day!!!!!!!!!! Ah music...
AND....
It's a little too convenient that they have the next class together.
About the freaking cold hand....
Going on what these lovely authors have said, you need to change it. I suggest you do the extreme... uh, I think it's hypothermia? You know... she's so cold she feels warm and starts taking off her shoes and then "what are you doing?" Then Mr. Liam is saying MOOWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! POWER....
Personally, I think that would be hilarious.
It would have been funny—if he wasn’t growling.
It was a low, deep rumble and I was probably the only one that heard it. Nonetheless, he was growling.
...Growling?
Sorry, this makes him sound like an unrestrained animal. You should have him scowl, or make some weird noise that makes her like him... an adorable noise, a totally smexy noise.... you know, but she doesn't. Does that make sense?
I nearly died when I saw the person she was sitting with. It was Liam.
"Man, that freak was in my class, he was acting really weird, my bag freaking fell apart..."
We need her thought proccess and feelings. This is all too coincidential She meets him in her first and second class, now at lunch. We need a break. We need to see her in a normal situation.
“Has Roslyn caught him in her talons yet?”
Please STOP evilizing this character!!!!!!!!! Yes, no one like people like that. NO those kind of people do not exist!!! NO ONE does the whole "OH my GOSH" all the time. They react differently to different people and different situations, same as you and me.
Besides that, how does Diana know about Roslyn? How is she connected to that character?
The last time Diana had one of her ‘plans’ we were about eight. She thought it would be awesome to spend the whole night in the mall
More appropriately would be 'the last time her plan WORKED was when...'
We got caught. That was the scariest night of my life. My mother, I could tell, wanted to kill me. Whatever Diana had up her sleeves this time was sure to be either illegal or immoral.
?????? This doesn't make sense with your story. Cut it, or say we WOULD get caught....
Overall, I think you can do a lot better with this story. We need some scenery, more thoughts from the Selena, and more of her history. At the moment, she sounds like a love struck teen with a freaking weirdo who wants to suck her blood....
Keep writing???? Are you KIDDING????? OF COURSE you should keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just don't use someone elses ideas, as the other Authors have mentioned. Just aske yourself, what makes this story unique? Because, in the end, EVERY story is cliche. A girl with a dragon.... the vampire.... the angel... we've heard them before. Since this is true, show us something we wouldn't expect, something different.
OVERALL:
This should be in 'Fanfiction.'
I like the way you write and I enjoyed reading this, but...you know. The whole 'Twilight' thing.
Anyways, I'd like to read more. This was intriguing and managed to keep me from doing my homework for a bit...well, it doesn't take much to distract me from my homework, but whatever. What I meant to say was that it was well done.
Hope this helped,
.:Ayra:.
interesting and intriguing but as bigbad said, it did sound a lot like twilight. which can immediately shake readers off.
Oh...that's really creepy. He was growling at her! Freaky!
Anyway, is lunch really after second period? That is really early for lunch. I loved the whole diolouge and stuff. It was very realistic. Althought, it sorta reminded me of Twilight. It's because it's not the girl that is new to the school, but the boy. And you say he is hot...well, try not to copy the story too or it can be a MAJOR offense.
Anyway, this is good. I would read the next one if you decide to post another one.
BBB