Chapter 1: THE BEGINNING
"Sir," said Matthew with a grin, "the book has already hit 30,000 orders. I can practically picture myself lounging on a pile of money. Just another day in the life of editing for Gerald Gaby." "I'm brainstorming the perfect plot - a fresh crime scene!" said Gerald with a hint of excitement and eagerness. "How about this time we rescue a man instead of sending him to his demise?" suggested Matthew, chuckling as he snacked on popcorn. "Or maybe we just take out everyone?" Gerald eagerly proposed, glancing at his watch as he stood up from his seat and grabbed some popcorn from Matthew’s hands. "Classic crime author move," teased Emily as she entered the room, shaking her head with a sigh. "Emily, the bossiest lady around - not our manager, but my lady," Matthew quipped, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"What's your plan for the next 'Crime Chronicles' story, Mr. GERALD? Planning another demise in your story?" Emily asked, curious. "It depends on my aim," Gerald replied in a low voice, a hint of an idea evident. "You always seem to be executing every character in your stories, Gerald," Emily pointed out. "That's the essence of crime stories. Everyone has to die, except the criminal," Gerald said as he left the room, lighting a cigarette. "He's getting more dramatic by the day," Matthew remarked, looking concerned. "We might end up visiting jails because of his creative mind. Don't get too excited, Matthew, you might have to sleep on an ash bed instead of a cash bed," Emily joked as she headed out.
"Gerald, Gerald," Matthew called out as Gerald was leaving the office. "What's up, Mat?" Gerald asked. "Sir Francis is looking for you. He said it's something important." "Alright, I'll go see him," Gerald said. After Matthew gave him a nod, Gerald quickly summoned his driver and headed off to meet with Sir Francis.
"Hey Mr. Gaby, look who's here. You shine like a north star, rarely seen!" chuckled Sir Francis. "You summoned me, Sir?" "Yes, there's an issue. Have you heard about the Alfred family? One of them was assassinated yesterday. We need your help. And there's one more person..." Following Sir Francis' gaze, Gerald spotted a poised lady with sharp eyes. "Who's she?" he inquired calmly. "That's Serene Green. She's from the Forensic department. You'll be working with her on this case," explained Sir Francis. "Hello, Mr. Gaby," greeted Serene with a soft voice. "Hello back," Gerald responded. "Looks like I've got my next book's storyline." "What do you mean?" Serene inquired. "No need to worry," Gerald reassured. “Oh, Serene, Gaby is a writer too. A crime writer, actually,” interjected Sir Francis. “An author? Yes,” confirmed Gerald. “My tales mostly revolve around real-life crime. People make for a fascinating mix in my stories.” “Isn’t that an interesting contrast?” Serene questions. “Not at all! Where there are people, there is bound to be crime,” Gerald declared.
Serene was completely blown away. She was a woman of mystery, grace, and smarts. "Looking forward to working with you, Mr. Gaby." "Likewise, Miss Green. It’s Gerald by the way.” "Let's go check out the place where she passed away tomorrow, Gerald." "Definitely. I'll see you then." And with that, Gerald said goodbye.
"And now the mystery unfolds once more, with fresh faces taking the stage. Two sleuths embark on a quest to unmask the perpetrator -C.C”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there cresyy! Icy here for a quick review today on this first part of the series. Let's get into the review, shall we?
I notice Ranger has already commented on the dialogue, but I just wanted to share with you a resource we have here on YWS that might help with understanding how dialogue should be structured in a novel. Here's the link.
There are some other great resources on the site too if you're interested!
Once your dialogue is properly formatted, I think it'll be easier to see the other areas you could focus on. I liked reading the back and forth between the characters, but I feel like I'm missing out on some depth of the scene. How might the characters be feeling, and where is this taking place? I think an office cubicle was mentioned but it was very brief. You could certainly add some more richness through some extra description.
The last thing to note is dialogue tags. Whilst it's helpful to know who's talking, we should sometimes be able to infer from what's being said. You start to do a good job of this in the last paragraph, try extending that through the rest of the piece :]
Hope this was helpful!
Icy
Greetings cresyy!
It's wonderful to make your acquaintance! I'm Ranger, here to review your piece: Crime Chronicles Part 1. Without further ado, let's get into it!
The Story
Right off the bat in the beginning I enjoy how you describe the characters and mention who they are through dialogue without making the dialogue feel forced in any way. It all flows wonderfully throughout the story. However, there isn't much description with their actions as they're talking. I feel like a bit more description there could certainly help in making this truly shine!
Farther along, it was fascinating to find out that Gerald is not just an author but a detective too! The entrance of Serene as well very much helps to thicken the plot and the assassination greatly helps drive the story forward. I'm excited to see where Gerald and Serene go with it!
The Technical Side
While reading, I noticed that all of the dialogue and punctuation side is excellent however there is one thing I would like to touch on. With all of the dialogue being in blocks of text, I found it hard to really discern who what speaking at a given time. Most of the time when writing dialogue, a new line can be used to help with this. For example here, the dialogue is put together so it appears that Sir Francis is speaking twice and responding to himself:
However here, the dialogue is much more clear and concise since we know that a different person is speaking other then Sir Francis:
This isn't a huge problem just a gentle suggestion that slightly different formatting can really help!
Overall,
This was a great piece to read and I look forward to reading the other parts in the future! I love how we have a unique set of characters, a stage, and a mystery already plotted out to get one's attention on the very first page! The conversations flow well along with the story and I'm excited to see where this goes!
I hope you found something helpful from this review! I had a wonderful time writing it!
Farewell and have a great day!
- Ranger
This feedback really means a lot to me! Thanks a lot:)