Published March 12, 2011
Shadows stained on the wall
But who ever remembers them all?
So many lives now gone
Inflicting pain more deeper and strong
Hey soul, let go
My soul, just go
Hands over their ears, but inside they still hear
Hands over their eyes, but inside they still see
Hands over their mouths, but inside it echoes still
I'm lost
I'm afraid
I'm trapped
I'm free
Empty eyes turn the face
Heavy smile drags the emotion's pace
And the body's so numb
And enticing the tears one by one
Hey you, let go
My you, just go
Hands over dead ears, but around they still hear
Hands over dead eyes, but afar they still see
Hands over dead mouths, but so close they echo still
I'm here
I'm afraid
I'm hurt
I'm free
After all comes in view
And the residue of faults evaporates
What thought, now, think of you?
As the residence of few exonerates
a sense that everything will be okay
Even today
today
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Canary word: Present
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Thanks to Snoink I was able to fix the double spacing thing
Hey Crest!
It's been a while since I've reviewed, so I may be a little rusty.
First things first: Presentation.
Poems/Lyrics need to look good, and be easy to read. Having lots of lines with line-spaces in between and no particular structure or stanza makes it difficult, and it doesn't look very pretty. Stanzas split things into parts, it's kind of like splitting large text into paragraphs. There's a lot you can do with them, but without them you're missing out on a lot of valuble techniques.
I'm trapped/I'm free
There's a contradiction here, and since there aren't any others nearby it seems like it's just there because it sounds good. If you want to use it for effect you need to put more to it. Add in another contradiction, or some form of structure to give it more meaning.
Repitition-
Is a hard thing to get the hang of, but generally repeating several lines in clumps is boring. You should add a little variation, or mix them up a bit.
Music
The general idea is that your lyrics should be able to stand on their own without music if you want a song to be good. If you're relying on the music to glorify your lyrics then you might as well make it a purely instrumental piece.
Overall
It's all quite abstract, and mostly about emotion. You should add some imagery or other sensory to bring your reader further into it, or maybe have a bit more rhythm. Right now it's mostly metaphysical, and doesn't seem to have any particular consistent theme. If there is, you should make it a bit more obvious.