*This song/poem is underneath my folder titled “Christopher + Morgan’s conjoined bond”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*
Elijah wanted to create marvelous, frightful things
Grace saw a boy with many great ideas
Elijah’s Mom and Dad merely thought him strange
Grace’s Mom and Dad saw him as deranged
Elijah’s Grandma and Grandpa left Dad’s side him some money, while his Grandma and Grandpa from his Mom’s side found him lovely
But Grace’s Grandma and Grandpa from both sides thought him funny
Yet no matter what anyone thought
No one could stop the young ones
That were so happily, dangerously
In love
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey friend! I am stopping by to review this lovely piece of yours. Let's jump right into it
You do a nice job of introducing us to the people involved in this piece right away. We are introduced to Elijah and Grace and both of their parents. I'd like how you have a light rhyme as well, with the word, strange and deranged. Then, after this, we get a couple of lines about their grandparents as well. We seem to be going through all of their family members and learning about how they feel about this situation, and their opinions of Grace and Elijah. You also continue the rhymes game, which is really cool! I noticed how you didn't rhyme at the very beginning, but then you do it through most of this piece.
We go back to no rhyming at the end here. I kind of like that. Whenever we're hearing the narrative of Elijah and Grace, there's no rhyme. But whenever we're hearing about their family members, it seems to be in more of a story-like kind of voice. I like at the end, how we learn that they're in love. It seems like them being in love is dangerous, but they are willing to take that risk because of how happy they are. This was a very simple piece and easy to read through. I always enjoy reading about your unique characters and stories, so I look forward to reading more.
Your friend,
Ellie
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this!
This is cute.
The way it's written is well, it describes how family on both parties think of the boy. It's cute, it is. I did see some grammar mistakes, but they aren't too severe, so it doesn't really need to be acknowledged.
All in all, this is good! It's so sweet! It's soft, it doesn't really show any heavy or dark topics, which is a good switch up. I tend to read the really depressive poems or stories, haha.
Anyways, good job, kudos to you! This is written amazingly.
~Taost
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this!
This is very whimsical. That's fun!
The first thing that jumps out is how much weight this places on the opinions of others, yet it never fully commits to exploring the tension between those judgments. Elijah is this enigma; the idea of marvelous, frightful things is so interesting, but we’re left wondering what those things are. Right now, he’s more an idea than a person. There's no depth to him in here.
Grace, on the other hand, seems like she’s supposed to be the grounding force. I think her perspective gets lost in the noise of everyone else’s opinions. Her parents see Elijah as deranged, her grandparents think he’s funny, and somewhere in all that, her love feels like an afterthought. It should be at the center of the narrative. I want to know what makes her different and drawn to him.
Do we need to know the specifics of every grandparent’s opinion? Probably not. It’s cute, but it takes away from the emotional weight of the story you’re trying to tell.
That said, there’s something undeniably charming about this. It's got a very good atmosphere! The whimsical tone and fairytale framing could work beautifully with a bit more focus. Let yourself dig deeper into the love, the danger, and the marvelous things! The strongest parts are when you lean into contrast, and it's undeniable. Focus on that, dive into it, and this will shine more!
All the best!