*This story is underneath my folder titled “Vampires and ice cream!”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Serena stopped. There he was, the man responsible for turning them into bloodsucking ghouls of the night. The ice cream man, Ricky, was hunched over the body of a little girl, his mouth covered in blood like the animal he was.
Every day after school, Serena and Elise would go to the local forest to look for Ricky, the one who had turned them into vampires. Ricky had to die, there was no question about it.
Yet there he was, drinking the blood of an innocent human. He didn’t see the girls hiding behind the trees, too lost in his own desire to notice them.
Serena nodded to Elise, who held a wooden stake in one hand.
Elise grinned and ran towards Ricky, stake in the air. Serena grimaced when she heard the squelching noise of the wooden weapon being impaled into raw flesh.
But she watched with satisfaction as Ricky burned, screaming and screeching helplessly, until he was no more.
Serena ran towards Elise. Her teeth felt normal, and no longer did she have the desire to drink blood.
But when Serena held Elise in her arms, she saw that the girl was…burning.
“I…I should have died a long time ago.” Elise croaked.
“No, you’re not going to die. I just need to move you.” Serena said. She tried carrying Elise to the shade of trees, but Elise shook her head.
“You’re human. You’re not dying. This is how it is meant to be.” Elise said.
Serena only knew Elise for a short period of time, but already, the girl felt like a friend. She loved the 80’s just as much as Serena, and didn’t find her strange for dressing in the vibrant style and listening to the buzzing music. She came over for movie night, she comforted Serena when thoughts were overwhelming.
And just like that, she was burning to dust.
“Don’t worry about me,” Elise said, wiping away Serena’s tears with a cracked hand. She hadn’t even noticed that she was crying.
“Bring the little girl out. Tell them that you found her like that. That an animal killed her. Give her a proper burial. One that she would deserve.” Elise said.
The last thing Serena saw was Elise’s face smiling softly at her before there was nothing.
Serena sat on the ground, motionless. Soon, she would bring the little girl to the outside world.
But for a moment, she wanted to sit in silence, thinking only of Elise and all the good she did.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hey Vamp,
I'm back with another review of this story.
First of all, I want to say that I haven't read the other stories/origins that are connected to this one, so my review will be based solely on what I've read here.
I have to say, a great title, a great eye-catcher. Because it immediately makes the reader wonder why they don't like the ice cream man. Because ice cream is such a sweet, soft thing, why would there be any danger, right?
Second, characters; nice characters, you really made Ricky a hateable villain (he's such a creep), and as for Serena and Elise, I understand their motives (nicely explained that Ricky turned them into vampires), but I don't think the characters themselves are fully fleshed out.
Maybe it's in their origin, but as I said, I haven't gone through it. I'd suggest that you might want to give them some background information. That way this story can be read as a standalone without having to read the origins, but if that was your goal, feel free to ignore this ^^.
Third, I miss the descriptions! You have great dialog and pacing between your characters and the story has a nice flow, but I really miss the descriptions. I think a few descriptions of the actions/characters would make this story nicer.
Finally, I love the ending. I think it's absolutely very sad that Elise died, but it's a nice ending to the story. I would suggest maybe adding a little flashback (for the readers) where Serena thinks about all the good things Elise had done, some of the good things she'd done/great moments they had together.
I don't know if it was your intention to keep this story short
now that I'm writing this, I read the short story tag above XD. Anyway, I was going to say that this story could benefit from a little more length in terms of descriptions/flashbacks. This is only if you want to of course XD.In the end, this was a nice story with a great plot and characters. I would suggest adding some more descriptions to the action parts or the characters themselves along with a little backstory or flashbacks, but that is all up to you of course ^^. I enjoyed reading this.
Keep writing!
- Nadya
I%u2019m so glad that you enjoyed this! Would you like me to link the other stories to you?
yeah sure ^^
Here they are!
Elise’s story
Serena’s story
Okay I writing these reviews as I read. I'll read a section and then I tell you my thoughts. It's weird I know
PS I'm working for my phone so this isn't my usual format
I freaking love vampires and the supernatural—couldn’t tell from my own work, huh? But opening with a vampire right away? Good hook.
Little vampire fledglings... Neat.
He's drinking the blood of an innocent... Okay, now I really want to know what's going to happen next. They’re hiding from him, but they’re vampires themselves... Why? What’s stopping them from just attacking? I know, shush, keep reading.
Oh, they’re vampire hunters, I think...
Hmmmm, I like the adjective—raw flesh. That sounds guttural... Primal... I like it a lot.
Poor Ricky...
I'm not sure I’d have given up vampirism... Probably would’ve become a lush.
Dun dun dun—plot twist!
I like these short sentences... Keeps the flow moving really quickly. Feels sharp, like it’s hitting in beats.
Old vampire, I get it. Lived a long life full of fun and adventure, but it’s time for it to come to an end...
Makes me think of my dad and his taste in music.
Caring about her friend even at the end... A happily-ever-after, storybook finish.
Did she though? If she was a vampire who’s lived for a long time, that means at one point she may have been just as bad as the dude feeding on innocent girls, the one she called a monster... Then again, I write werewolf stories, so yeah.
All in all, I really like this quick story. My intrusive thought? I think it would be a great ad-lib. I'm not sure what else to say here, so keep up your great work!
Thank you for all the reviews you did on my stuff.
P.S. I suck at doing reviews, so have a great day, and thank you again!
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this! Here are the other two stories that connect to this if you are interested! :>
Elise’s story
Serena’s story