*This origin story is underneath my folder titled “The trouble of Carlos”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Sixteen year old Casey Bardot sat in the back of the car, watching the trees and houses go by. From the orange streetlights, everything had a gaunt, spindly quality to it, like the spooky cartoons her little twelve year old brother Carlos liked to watch.
Carlos. I hope he’s doing well. Casey thought to herself.
Looking outside slightly helped distract her from thinking about him, but it didn’t help entirely, because she still had Carlos on her mind.
It was Halloween night, the very first Halloween that Carlos was spending alone. Their parents had a rule that once either of them turned twelve, it would be “the last year” they’d go Trick-or-Treating, because in their eyes, any year after that was “too old”. Carlos had gotten quite upset earlier and declared that he would always like to go Trick-or-Treating, no matter how old he was. Casey had asked him why he didn’t want to do all of the things she wanted to do, like go out to see all of the different scary Halloween attractions, to which he yelled in a defensive manner: “It’s just not for me!”
She used to be closer to Carlos when they were younger. But when they got older, she wanted to go out more with her friends, Camilla, Millicent and Kittredge or as Casey liked to call them, Cami, Millie and Kitty. Also, Carlos was in a mindset of Halloween all year long. He spent his days making jewelry, something that he and Casey used to do together, and collecting things from the local antique store. He didn’t socialize much and their parents worried deeply about him, as did Casey.
Only, Casey was starting to think that she didn’t show her concern for him in the best way. She had joined her friends as they picked on Carlos’ “weirdness”. She hadn’t told her friends to stop. She hadn’t done anything. She just thought that Carlos would be motivated to talk to people more, go out more, be more like her.
Casey tore her eyes away from the window and fixed them instead on her leather black skirt, which was part of her cat costume. Mom had asked Casey if the costume would be uncomfortable the day she got it. Casey said “no”, because she just wanted to get the costume without her parents worrying about how she felt with it on. It hurt at first to wear the costume but then she got used to it as the day went on.
No, she was feeling tight from her thoughts of Carlos. Why was she only worrying about him in the car? Why didn’t she worry about him more when they were together? Why didn’t she stand up for him when he was being picked on?
Casey didn’t say anything, though. Dad was just driving Mom and her back home from a haunted house attraction. She wouldn’t tell them that she worried Carlos hated her just like she wouldn’t tell them earlier that the costume felt like it was sucking away at her skin. There were just certain things that she couldn’t tell her parents, that she had to deal with herself.
Her friends had wanted Casey to come with them to a nearby pop-up Halloween amusement park, a different and yet similar place than the singular haunted house attraction filled with loudspeakers and scare actors that her parents took her to, but she said no. She wanted to hang out with her family. She wanted to spend more time with them.
Casey would have been proud of herself for choosing to share the scares with her family if only Carlos was around. But instead, she felt this deep, gaping hole in her heart, a clawing misery that told her that she was responsible for Carlos’ aversion to connecting with people, that if she had shown him more love, that she cared, then he wouldn’t be so distant and-
She was going home. She’d make it up to him by watching Halloween movies with him. He’d be happy then! Perhaps, from then on, they could be not only siblings, but best friends, just like when they were younger! It obviously wouldn’t exactly be like when they were younger, but it’d be close. Maybe it would be better. Maybe-
A loud screeching noise resounded in Casey’s ears and banged all around her head. Casey was forced to look up from the gravity pushing against itself, putting pressure on her body in a way that it shouldn’t have. She had the seatbelt on, yet it didn’t mean anything when Mom’s seat in front of her pushed her back, when Casey felt the costume and the seat pressing against her lungs, when she saw debris fly in the front car window, when she smelled the smoke and everything started to clear up more…
Was that a car in front of her family’s car? Did it crash right into her family’s own? Was…was…was she dying?
Just like that? Really?
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
One more for the road, shall we?
I've noticed that you tend to start most of your stories by saying the MCs age. It is helpful at times, but I feel more creative openings could better hook the reader.
This was a bit wordy to read. I think cutting "used to" ajd replacing it with "when" because being younger is implied.
I like her struggle to connect with her brother. The idea pf watching movies.does come.a bit rushed though, and its hard to believe that she would stand up for him even after this decision. Because she still is friends with the people who bullied him, and she makes no mention of cutting them out of her life.
This was a bit jumbled to make sense of as well. A screeched is a sound effect by itself, but then you have screamed and ringing. It feels like a lot of adjectives that xould be simplified and made clearer.
The italics thoughts at the end feel a little on the nose to me personally. It's pretty obvious it was a car wreck (although I suppose supernatural or Carlos elements could be at play?) It also feels a bit nihilistic almost, which was not the vibe I was getting from Casey throughout the story.
Hope this helps
~Messy
Thank you for reading and I am glad you enjoyed this.
Casey’s emotional conflict regarding her relationship with Carlos is well-developed and relatable. The shift from reminiscing about their childhood to regretting her role in distancing herself from him feels authentic and natural. The way she tries to rationalize her past actions, yet still feels the weight of her guilt, makes her a compelling protagonist.
The opening imagery of the spindly trees bathed in orange streetlight creates an eerie atmosphere, subtly preparing the reader for the tragic turn of events. Additionally, Casey’s reflection on Carlos and her growing resolve to make things right before it’s too late serves as an emotional setup for the impending crash.
While Casey’s internal monologue is crucial to establishing her emotional arc, it borders on excessive. The same idea—her regret over not standing up for Carlos and wanting to reconnect—is repeated multiple times in slightly different ways. A more streamlined approach would make her emotions feel more urgent rather than redundant
While the crash itself is effectively jarring, it could benefit from a little more tension in the moments leading up to it. A small indicator—like the father braking suddenly, Casey noticing headlights in the distance, or the mother gasping—could increase the sense of impending doom without diminishing the suddenness.
The decision to watch movies with Carlos as a means of mending their relationship, while heartfelt, seems rushed. Given the depth of her guilt, would simply watching movies be enough to repair their bond? Perhaps a more personal gesture