*This story is underneath my folder titled “Naenia and the dandelion”. There are no character designs for this little story. Enjoy!*
Evil comes in many forms. Sometimes as a pointy-toothed beast, other times as a blur of darkness.
But in a garden of many-colored roses, far off, a dandelion grows. Tainted with the blood of a slain demon, it grins with sharp, white teeth, hungry for the taste of a youthful, sweet child.
As long as no child sets foot into the garden, where the dandelion waits, they are safe. The dandelion will eventually die, and never be able to grow again.
Unfortunately, children are bound to make mistakes…
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
@AlexWrites @Spearmint @vihangihasheera I found this in my notes app and thought to share. It’s a little thing about the dandelion Naenia finds. :>
Will check out tomorrow most probably!
Okay!
hey there creeper!
This is cute! I like the cautionary voice throughout this too - it reminds me a lot of fairytales and other folklore stories. I think that a dandelion in a rose garden is a great image too, especially since it subverts a lot of traditional expectations for stories like this (like maybe a wolf, for one). It turns something ordinary and harmless into something predatory without overcomplicating the prose, which is always a plus.
I think the middle could become a bit more precise though? Now, the rules are clear enough on a surface level (children are safe so long as they stay out of the garden, and the dandelion will eventually die), but the relationship between the dandelion and the danger to children could be given more context. Why children specifically? What makes their nature desirable to it? Is that meant literally, like hunger, or more metaphorically, like innocence? I'd like to know more about the dandelion’s consciousness, what its motive is.
I'd also say that a more distinct sense of place could make the flowers more menacing. A garden "far off" is ominous, but a garden attached to a known house / village / path might be worse, yknow.
This is very interesting so far though!
best,
cocteau
Thx for the review and your advice!
Hello!
I like this text because it gives something to think about. It sounds almost like a poem, which is also really cool; especially parts like "But in a garden of many-colored roses" sound like a poem or a song!
Also, you started with "Evil comes in many forms." Which really grabs the reader's attention and builds suspense from the very first line! And how you finished with: "Unfortunately, children are bound to make mistakes..." Ends with a kind of 'tun, tunnn - TUUUN!!!' I haven't read the related Naenia's wish and Naenia breaks free, but this piece was also very nice alone.
One suggestion I would have would be for line 3 ("demon, it... sweet child"): maybe it's a bit repetitive with two adjectives before a noun: "sharp, white teeth" and "youthful, sweet child". I don't have suggestions as for how to make that better but I thought I would share this.
Overall it was very nice so please keep writing and thank you for sharing it!!!
Have a wonderful day =D