leaves will bloom long after we are gone

lately,
i've been trying to find something
sentimental about everything.

i imagine myself as a rushing rivulet
and you are skipping stones on me --
the wind whistles through us
like breath on a bottle rim.

and i imagine that
we are ten again. i imagine i notice
you are not there. i would rather live on
your parents' basement floor
for the rest of my life
than be in such a beautiful place
alone.

you, never bringing your glasses
anywhere, think every golden patch
in the sky is the sun.

and me, you think i am still there.
sometimes i imagine i am.

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Points: 42
Reviews: 19

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Fri Dec 29, 2023 1:07 am

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emilia9ludenberg wrote a review...

Hello!

Here to leave a short review.

I quite enjoy this actually, especially the last few lines- it creates an intimate, nostalgic feel which adds a layer of personal experiences over this richly written poem. I love the persona's yearning for innocence and possibly bliss again, as is implied in the line "think every golden patch in the sky is the sun', that hit home for me.

Keep writing!
Emilia

Points: 7451
Reviews: 461

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Tue Dec 26, 2023 8:53 pm

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Horisun says...

Your poems never fail to amaze me <3

Points: 6464
Reviews: 71

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Tue Dec 26, 2023 5:11 pm

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Youbeaucupid wrote a review...

Hi there Creature! Cupid here, I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today! Let's dive in, shall we?

🔶 Top Graham Cracker First Impression!

"lately, I've been trying to find something about everything."

That line instantly grabbed my attention with its introspective tone. Your poem really delves into a search for sentimentality and nostalgia, creating a relatable atmosphere that readers can relate to and reflect on their own experiences. Also, your use of vivid imagery, such the "rushing rivulet and skipping stones," wonderfully conveys the longing and desire for connection.

🔥 Slightly Burned Marshmallow: Room Improvements!

While your poem effectively explores the sense of longing and absence, there may be room to further develop the narrative and provide some additional context. Another tiny detail, the transitions between different timeframes could be a bit smoother to enhance the overall flow of the poem. By fine-tuning these few elements, the poem will create an even more compelling! Other than that well-done!

🍫 Melty Hershey's Chocolate: Highlights of the Piece!

What shines through in this poem for me, is the raw emotion and vulnerability conveyed. Your imagery of the "rushing rivulet and skipping stones" creates a vivid visual representation of the act and its absence! Furthermore, your use of contrasting perspectives between the "speaker" and the "other person" adds depth to the piece and encourages readers to contemplate their own perceptions in relationships. The line:

"I would rather live on your parents' basement for the rest of my life than be in such a beautiful place alone,"

captures the intensity of longing and showcases the theme of yearning for companionship.

🔥Pefectly Toasted Marshmallow: Favorite lines!

"I imagine as a rushing rivulet and you are skipping stones on me"

- "You, never bringing your glasses anywhere, think every golden patch in the sky is the sun"

- "Sometimes I imagine I am"

These lines beautifully capture the emotions in the poem and leave a lasting impact on your readers!

🔶 Bottom Graham Cracker: Closing thoughts!
Overall, your poem effectively conveys the journey of longing and nostalgia. With some further development and smoother transitions, it has the potential to truly captivate your readers even more! Thank you for sharing this heartfelt piece and I'm truly sorry to hear what happened.

Fly high writer, Cupid. 💘

Points: 22098
Reviews: 455

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Tue Dec 26, 2023 4:29 am

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Hijinks wrote a review...

Ouch. I can feel this poem.

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. I know you said on your wall it's been a few years, but anniversaries are hard. <3 You're right, making poems is such a good way to process feelings and honour old friends and memories. And this poem is really beautiful.

Something about this poem feels a bit different from your other ones. I think it's a combination of the imagery choices and sentence structure -- you use both of these things very distinctively, and it feels a bit "off" in this poem. Not in a bad way (which I realize is what "off" usually means). Just that as someone who has read a lot of your poetry, it gave me a slight pause. For example, I don't think I can recall you ever using a hyphen (or colon or semicolon) to connect two full sentences in the way you do in the second stanza. Quintessential ihc style is connecting an independent clause to a dependent clause.

The imagery is also much less anatomical/bodily than you usually gravitate towards. Which is a completely neutral observation! I love your anatomic imagery, and I also love the stuff in this poem. In fact one of my favourite pieces of this poem is the imagery. You have several perfect images scattered throughout that are just -- ugh. They are super evocative and capture very specific emotions very well. I think my favourite is

you, never bringing your glasses
anywhere, think every golden patch
in the sky is the sun.

but

the wind whistles through us
like breath on a bottle rim.

also gives it a run for its money.

I will say, though, that the way the images work together leaves me feeling a bit unsatisfied. Like we jump from a river to a glass bottle to a basement floor to a sunny sky and there isn't really any attempt to transition from one to the next. Especially the jump from the figurative language (bottles and rivers) to the literal language (basement floors and glasses) is jarring to me and feels a bit...unfinished, almost? It's possible though that this was your intention, and you wanted to reader to feel a bit jarred, in which case, fair enough! Otherwise, just something to consider playing around.

Enough about that.

Like I said at the start of this review (and then completely did not elaborate on), I can feel this poem. You do a phenomenal job of capturing the feeling of loss and grief over a past relationship, whether that's someone passing away or just loosing touch with an old friend. And there is such a sense of familiarity in this poem, as well. Especially in the second last stanza, it is clear that the narrator knows the person being addressed. There's something very...intimate? mundane? domestic? (I can't find the right word, but hopefully you get the vibe) about discussing a person's eyesight, for some reason. Like that's only something you really notice, or have any reason to care about, with a close friend. I cannot describe how much I adore this stanza. And the image of the friend skipping stones on the narrator also feels very vulnerable to me. I think the strongest thing about this poem is tone and the emotion -- as per usual, you nailed both of these things and I really have no complaints.

I think that's it for my review. Let me know if anything I said is silly or needs elaborating! You're such a talented poet. Also merry Christmas :)

beetle

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leaves will bloom long after we are gone

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