Published May 30, 2010
a smile a laugh
the kiss of sun
one foot
then another
and another
the path of the day
streching before us
wrapped in memories
we walk on
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Canary word: Present
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141,433 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Hey creative, welcome to YWS! I'm Jem and I will be, well, reviewing your poem.
It makes it sound like there was three feet. Don't worry, I read it without the third foot and it sounds fine. Also, traditionally the first letter of every line is capatalized. You might also want to add commas and periods where you see fit but in a poem you don't have to.I like it. It is quite short but it has some substance to it. The mental image I got when reading it was two people walking down a beach. Don't ask me why though considering you say nothing about a beach or that it is only two people.
What I didn't like was,
Keep writing,
-Jem
Hello there
Well, to be honest, I am not sure if I understand the poem that well, or maybe what I grasped from it is not what you were going for. I think you should punctuate it. Or maybe not punctuating it is a poetic gesture? I don't know. Could you maybe explain what you are going for?