Published June 12, 2010
Dear Lord
As I sit
wrapped in sunshine
the world around me bares itsself
skin pleading to be kissed by the light of the day
As I sit
the cloud that looms within me
blocks the happiness cast by the sun
by the people
if only i were not tied to this cloud
if only i were not at its mercy
i too
could enjoy the sun
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141,433 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Hello Creative!
Back again to review!
Ok so I liked this but not as much as your first one if I'm being honest.
As HBgirl said you broke the lines where there should have just been a comma and this jarred the rhythm a little. Try reading your poem aloud and you will be able to identify the places where a break in line isn't necessary.
Again the lack of punctuation is letting this down. It needs punctuation to give it body and to assist the rhythm. If you are unsure where to put your commas and periods feel free to PM me and I'll go through it with you
As HBgirl said poems should always have a capital letter at the beginning of each line unless you are deliberately doing the whole poem in the lower case or the next line is a continuation of the previous one. And watch those I's! Make sure they are a capital letter
Other than this though, I did like it. I liked the ideas and I liked that the imagery was less harsh than in your first Dear Lord poem
Well Done,
Keep Writing!
~Lydia
Hello there
I had a problem with the lack of punctuation in your poem. I don't know, it made some parts very confusing and I had to read over and try and understand where you were going. But I must say that in the end, I liked the poem. It was creative and deep at the same time.
Good job
Ziggie
That was actually really nice. I could really feel the emotions that you were trying to show through this poem. Although, it's very important that a new line of poetry should start with a capital letter. And there are points were you should put a comma in, or not start another line. Keep on writing!