The sea - so dark and sinister yet warm and disturbingly inviting
The waves slam against the ship as we go northward toward home
Home - England. Will we make it in this terrible storm?
It is so dark.
Those voices I hear. Those whispers,
They speak to me, to all of the crew.
What are they saying? No words.
They sing a song with melodic, soft sound and high pitches.
With the wind, rain and waves, it sounds like music.
They are coming.
The sirens.
Oh, God. Save us.
I can not ignore them any longer.
I look out toward the ocean and see them.
I see their glistening, flamboyant fins, their deathly pale skin and their sea foam color hair.
Everyone hears them, even our captian.
We are headed for the rocks.
We will drown into the deep abyss.
I wish I could see my love again.
I can not bear to see my death.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
I'm getting adjective / adverb overload. This is the problem when people only take a few minutes to write something. You may not think it shows, but it does. Take pride in what you do, it takes time to write something well-thought out and complete. What you have here is more like notes, ideas, or a brainstorm. I'm wading through a bog of modifiers, dark sinister warm yet disturbingly inviting... you lose the effect with too many words. Other times it feels like lines out of a cliche sailor's log. "it is so dark." The whole thing kind of spirals into a clumsy foreboding that has little payoff at the end. The myth is a potent one... it might be overdone but there's room to do new things with it still. I'd give it more thought and try again.
best,
Hey! First off, this is an awesome poem. I love the way it tells a story but tells me about the emotions of the writer as well. It really drew me into the story and made me care about how your character was feeling.
I like these lines, but I think the part about the "melodic, soft sound" is a little off. Maybe you could've changed it to "soft, melodic sounds". Just a suggestion. I still like it just the way it is.
I love the way you used descriptive words in this line. I do think that the part about the "sea foam color hair" would sound better if you changed it to "sea foam-colored hair." I'm just nitpicking though.
Great work!!! I loved it!!!
Keep writing!!
Well done for doing this quickly. First off, however, the I think the title should change to "The Sirens play the Sailors a Tune." Just lose the S on the end of play. Second, some punctuation changes.
Next, you say "My god... oh god..." a lot, maybe tone it down a little. Also, the line
feels a little blunt, and i think it stops the flow briefly.
Other than that, great poem!
Keep writing!
arspoetica