Young Writers Society

Thanks for the reviews.Hope to abide by the points enlisted and writing a better one the next time.

I love poetry that delves on memories that have become increasingly precious the more that time makes them recede. From our perspective far in the future, such times take on a lustrous glimmer, a kind of mystical, mythical aspect that we wish we could relive once more. Your poem very nicely describes such a memory.

I especially like the road by the lake full of yellow leaves. Reminds me of where I grew up near Branchbrook Park in Newark NJ and its Japanese Cherry Blossoms and the numerous amorous escapades and dreams that were experienced by its shores.

I like the metaphor of a storm and tidal memory wave which assailed the speaker while he found haven near a special one named Maria. The calm winds helping to create a fairy-tale scenario we was also very pleasant to contemplate. That having been said, and since you have posted it for suggestions, these are mine. Only given to help improve writing ability.

Suggestions

The word “magical” is too vague.

What does the following sentence mean?

The magical aroma of the place seemed to break away all the boulders that had deserted my existence from the world.

Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If i offend you I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)

"The magical aroma of the place seemed to break away all the boulders that had deserted my existence from the world.Walking..." There is a space after the Period(.)

"Walking down by the lake,lay the road which once used to be filled with the golden leaves that used to be plucked by the calmest of the autumn winds which blew across the woodland stream on a magical autumn dusk.each single step I walked ,seemed..." And the comma train has left the station. Space after 'dusk", Capital 'E', and there shouldn't be a space before the comma(but there needs to be a space after it).

"intentions.amidst the tsunami of the memories which now seemed to bang upon the ocean floor of my mind,in..." Well, I'm not sure if this is just bad misplacement or something else...
Space after comma.

"crossed,hoping that our future too was overflown by milk and honey.The times when you had laughed at my crazy,freaky hairstyles hold the firmest grip in my heart.The dusk..." space before 'hoping', 'freaky', and 'The'.

".The dusk is on it,s prowl and the the bright sunlight seems to pave the way for the moonlight to cast upon its's magical effect on the surroundings.It was..." You are killing me here. Space before 'The' and 'it'. And I'm not sure what happened here; "its's" no need for the second 's' and put an apostrophe before the 's'.

"surroundings.It was in this twilight zone that you had landed upon my lips the sweetest kiss any man can ever desire of.It seemed..." space before 'It', and 'It'.

"lips.The times when you had run your hands through my hair,still makes..." Space before 'The', and 'It'

"As I walk across the stream, a bunch of wilted roses make me belief that the fairytale love exists no more.Soon the..." You finally put the space after a comma, what the fricky frack did you do after fairytale? Anyways, a space before 'Soon'.

"bodies.The autumn wind that carries the smell of so many lovely winter lilies moves across my face as is trying to sympathize with me.In it of it's particles lies promises of new-born loves,the humming..." A space before 'The', 'In', and 'the'.

"friends.Probably even our love story too has found it's place in these special carriages.It was in this bright moonlight ,that you..." ok trying to keep sain. Space before 'Probably', 'It'. Don't forget about putting the space after the comma.

"the tightest,warmest and sweetest hugs during the times I was on cloud number nine.Without you..." Finally before 'warmest', 'Without'.

From what I can see you don't have any other grammar mistakes. Keep up the writing, have a good day.

So I'm reviewing this as I'm reading it. Here we go:

"...deserted my existence from this world." This phrase didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Perhaps a different word would be better instead of deserted.

"Walking down by the lake,lay the road which once used to be filled with the golden leaves that used to be plucked by the calmest of the autumn winds which blew across the woodland stream on a magical autumn dusk." In this sentence, it is definitely a run on, but that's okay. The comma also doesn't need to be there. Instead of using "used to" twice, you could use something like "...filled with golden leaves that had been plucked..."

There are a lot of commas and periods that shouldn't be in place between that sentence and the end of the paragraph, as well as capitalization that's missing.

"hoping that our future too was overflown by milk and honey." I really like this sentence to be honest. It's so pure and heartwarming! However, you should remove the 'too.' It's a little out of place.

Belief in the third paragraph should be believe.

There are plenty of comma, period, and apostrophe issues, as @CocoaCat mentioned, and it was the most fatal flaw of this to be honest. But overall this was a very bittersweet piece, and it makes me remember times past with someone I once loved. I won't lie, besides the grammatical errors (which bother me so friggin much) this piece was very good. I hope to read more from you with improved grammar! Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it!

Hey there, crazystar; CocoaCat here with a review!
Also, welcome to The Young Writer's Society!
I'm gonna get a little violent here, it really annoys me when people make very simple mistakes. Bear with me.
Sorry in advance.
Okay *deep breath*, let's start with comma-related issues.


"Walking down by the lake,lay the road which once..." There needs to be a space AFTER the comma.
"I walked ,seemed to open a new adolescent" Space AFTER the comma.
"floor of my mind,in one cozy corner lay undoubtedly" SPACE AFTER THE DAMN COMMA!!!
"our fingers crossed,hoping that our future too was overflown by milk and honey." Look above.
"laughed at my crazy,freaky hairstyles hold" You already know what I'm gonna say.
"The dusk is on it,s prowl and the" there is a comma where there needs to be an apostrophe.
"The times when you had run your hands through my hair,still makes me" again, space after comma.
"of new-born loves,the humming songs" COMMA!
"It was in this bright moonlight ,that you had" so close.
"lend me the tightest,warmest and sweetest hugs" Spaces exist for a reason!

Okay, here is a lesson on commas for third graders, this should be at your level.
http://education.seattlepi.com/activiti ... -5713.html
The same thing with periods, space after; the first word after a period is spelt with a capital. I had trouble finding a lesson on periods that would be simple enough for someone of you stupidity. I hope you figure out how basic english works; if not, talk to Radrook, she'll have some websites for you.