Published October 23, 2010
I knocked on my friend’s door.
He was out.
I knocked again and his parents threw a rock at me.
I kept knocking until the door fell down.
I knocked his parents down with my fist.
I kept knocking until the air had a hole in it from my incessant knocking.
I knocked through the hole.
I knocked through to another world.
I knocked it down.
I knocked down every tower, sky scraper and house.
I knocked them all down.
I kept knocking.
My friend came outside to meet me.
He knocked me down.
Light as a feather.
Mr friend beat me at my own game.
I laughed and he fell down.
Light as a feather.
I stand, light as a feather in a world of dust and rubble
Of fighting and trouble,
Of toil and double.
Teach you not to answer your door mate.
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141,619 Literary Works • 675,173 Reviews
I'm not really sure what you're getting at...maybe this just isn't my thing but I thought it was a little weird...umm, what else is there to say? I'm not a huge fan of the repition, but I've never liked that kind of thing. The reason I say I don't like it is because it makes it seem like you lack the vocab to expand on your own idea. But if I was to give you any advice, it would just to be to explain everything a little more. It just didn't make that much sense to me.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
I enjoyed the repetition you used when you were knocking on the door and the progressive way that the knocking became more and more. I would have enjoyed some imagery there, or maybe you could explain a bit more about how the lightness of a feather connects to knocking on the door. Also: "Light as a feather" is a fragment of a sentence and you wrote "Mr friend". I'm pretty sure you meant my friend. Would a comma make sense in your last line after "door"?