I sat there, silently crying, and took what apparently I deserved. He had been drinking more then usual lately and it'd been getting worse. That meant long sleeves every day, and no shorts, even though it was almost summer then.
He took out his belt and I unconsciously pulled my arms over my head. The blow hit my side and I stifled my cry, knowing it will only make him madder if he heard me.
This had been going on for years now but it'd ever been this bad. Teachers were asking me more and more questions and I had to make more and more excuses. "Oh, I tripped." "I accidently walked into a door." "I fell out of my bed." They never seemed to completely buy it, but they didn't ask again, so for then, it worked. But I still had to be cautious of what was showing and what wasn't.
When he finally went to the living room to drink his nightly six-pack of Miller Lite, watch ESPN, and pass out on the couch, I sobbed. The pain isn't what bothered me anymore - I'd turned practically numb to that - it was just that I didn't get what I'd done to make him like this. I remember when I was little and I thought he was Superman, when I thought he was perfect, when he was my father. I remember how sudden the change was. One day, he seemed perfectly normal, happy to see me and my mom when he got home from work, he ate dinner with us at the table, and he actually conversed with us. Then the next day, he was different. He came home, without greeting either me or my mother, and went up to bed. The day after, he was worse. He came home with a plastic bag with the local drugstore logo on the side, didn't even glance at us, took out his first six-pack from his bag, and went out to the living room. He didn't even go up to his room that night... I know because I remember hearing my mom crying through the wall.
Later I found out, he had actually lost his job, but not wanting us to know, he hid it. Every single day he would go the bar, and sit like a bum, until 6, acting like he was at work. Turns out I wasn't the only one with a secret.
But when I get to school the next day - starting to feel what I hadn't the night before - there were two officers waiting for me at my locker. Oh no, they found out. Tonight's going to be horrible, is what I thought.
"Elizabeth Parker?" They asked me, and I nodded. "Your father has been arrested for child abuse. You're free."
My jaw dropped, and I didn't believe them. "How did you find out?"
"Your teachers have been reporting it for months, but never had any evidence. Your neighbors saw him beating you through your window last night."
It's been 3 years since then. I live with my mom and have been seeing a psychiatrist. "Your father is in prison, far away from here. You'll never see him again," is what my social worker has been telling me.
But I'll always be haunted by the secret I had to keep, and even though he's gone now, I'll always be haunted by the idea of him.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this piece, you wrote it (as the first commenter stated) it was straight-forward and well-written. However, you lost me at the end. I sort of expected a lot more abuse. Although I didn't want to read about it, when it didn't happen I was actually a little disappointed ha ha! Not that the character didn't get beaten, but it seemed like her only problem was her Dad drinking and not going to bed, her mum crying and being hit with a belt once or twice. Although that's a lot to handle, of course, it didn't come across well as it ended so quickly.
I doubt they would just say she is "free". I mean there may have been some evidence, but without her statement she could turn around and say they were play acting or something. It's just very unlikely the police would say that. Maybe inside the character's mind she could be asking herself, "I'm free?"
If the teachers had reported it, there would have been an immediate investigation and an interview of the girl. Maybe one of the teachers or the neighbour could have reported it that day? Also, instead of the police immediately saying he's been arrested and she's free, this could be the start of the saga with her being interviewed, a long court case to endure and debating with herself over whether to live with her mother or go into care, and whether or not her parents are good people (after all, her mother never stopped her dad from beating them either).
She probably wouldn't have a psychiatrist, maybe just a counsellor.
[quote]But I'll always be haunted by the secret I had to keep, and even though he's gone now, I'll always be haunted by the idea of him.
Repetition of the word "haunted" here, it doesn't sound too good. Also, instead of her being haunted by the idea of him, she is more likely to be haunted by the idea of him coming back. I just think that's a better way to phrase it.
I hope I was helpful and that you extend this narrative. It seems like it could really go places, whether you choose the avenue of extended the part about abuse, or taking it to a court case, and following on from where you are so we can see if the character ends up having a nice life, or her Dad comes back?
Good work, keep it up
Hey Crazycarli! Welcome to YWS!
First off I think this is a really good piece and I have a few nitpicks for you if you would like to improve it:
Theres a few commas that are out of place here. Maybe you should try rephrasing to something along the lines of: "I sat there crying in silence, taking what I apparently deserved".
Watch your tenses! "Will" should be "would"
Again tenses. "Isn't" should be "wasn't"
No comma is needed.
What wall? Try elaborating a little, e.g. "I know. I remember hearing my mom crying through the wall between our bedrooms"
Wow! Lots of commas here. The first one isn't really needed, keep the second, ditch the third. Also personally I think "hidden" would sound better
Again commas. Lose them all
Whoa that came quick! Perhaps try leading up more gradually to the ending, all the "next day"'s make it seem like it happens quite quickly, but your MC makes it seem longer.
In conclusion great piece of work! Remember to watch your tenses and the number of commas in sentences and I also think it would be quite interesting if you add in a bit about what the mum makes of the situation
Keep Writing and PM me if you have any questions!
Happy-go-lucky
Hmmmm, I like it!
Its very strait forward with out being over bearing, and vague with out being distant, all in all, its a perfect combo!
The only part that confuses me is the transition between "now" and "then"..and also, would police officers be by the girls locker? Its most likely they would call her into the school councilors office, or at least an empty room.
But other than a few flaws, its really very, very good!
keep up the great work!