Published November 29, 2011
She wanted to live in peace and tranquility
Where sunshine existed every day.
Instead she lived in fear and invisibility
Where she was sent in shame under a sky of grey.
She had longed for a love story
But love she did not get.
For years she had been working on escaping and living in glory,
But an escape never came, and she no longer thought about it.
And now on the anniversary of her death, we wonder if we could have helped her.
The real question is, would we have helped?
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141,301 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Thank you for your reviews. They really made me think about my poem and writing style. I am definitely going to take all of your advice into consideration.
Hi, I'm new to YWS and I saw the title of you poem and it really caught my attention. I liked it a lot and I think you did really well. It was kind of vague in some parts but that's just my opinion. I still liked it though and I hope you'll read my one piece that I have so far.
Hey, crazedasian1
I hope you enjoy your time here. Take care now!
Welcome to YWS and congratulations on your first post!
First off, I like this poem for its story and its conceptualization. For me, the structure is quite good and I like how you've managed to make each line look separate and distinctly individual from the rest of the lines. It is short and carries great depth despite the minimal number of lines which is quite a heavy task to pull off for any writer.
As for any nitpicks, I feel that the implementation of the rhyme was good, but still, it lacked some punch to it and it seemed quite forced in some areas. The last three lines are devoid of any rhyme and it makes the poem lack that flow to it. Maybe if you tried choosing your words more carefully, you could come up with a great rhyming flair that can carry the poem from beginning to end with swift ease.
I enjoyed this poem a lot and I'm glad that as a first post, you chose to write this. I think that you've got great talent and that you can write even greater things. So I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Keep the ink flowing!
P.S. - Feel free to ask me about anything on this site. I'll be glad to help
Murtuza
Hi, Crazedasian! My name's Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
First off, I'd like to welcome you to YWS. I absolutely love it here, and I hope that you will, too. My writing has improved loads and loads since I first joined; there are many talented writers who have lent me their opinions. If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask me or any one of them and I promise that we'll help you in any way we can! Now, on to the review.
I actually quite like this. When I read the first two lines, I expected something entirely happy and lighthearted, but I didn't find any of the levity I expected. As strange as this sounds, it was actually a nice surprise. However, in future works, I might suggest making sure that your opening sentences portray the feeling more than the ones for this poem did, especially if you are writing a longer poem.
The next thing I'd like to comment on is the capitalization of your piece. Many poets have different styles of capitalization and punctuation, but I'm sort of old fashioned when it comes to this. If a letter wouldn't be capitalized if it were in a normal sentence and not a poem, then I don't capitalize it if it's in a poem.
I capitalize like the above example.
Not like this. Proper punctuation is important to me because I like my writing to look clean and to be treated in the proper way. However, if you have a particular style of capitalization, don't be afraid to stick with it.
The last thing I'd like to comment on is the structure of your poem. I'm not sure that I like it in the one sprawling paragraph you've assembled; in fact, I think it'd be much better in two sections of four lines, and one section of two. I would combine the first four sentences because I feel like they're all relevant to each other. I would combine the next two sentences into another section, and then the final four into the third section. That way, I feel like each section would be set apart from the others and stand out on its own.
All in all, great work! Always keep writing!
-Rose