Published December 1, 2011
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137,625 Literary Works • 672,053 Reviews
Hi there
I really liked your poem. It had a really good meaning to it and it was very understandable. Your rhyming was brilliant! I think you did a really great job and it just seemed to flow in with your words. I really admire that.
I didn't understand the same verse that BlueAfrica didn't understand so I agree that needs to be made more clearer.
There isn't much else I can say except you did great!
Deanie x
This has a good message behind it, and your rhymes are solid. I mean, the rhyming never sounded awkward and you never had to sacrifice meaning for rhyme or put a sentence together weirdly. What I would like to see you do - I mean, I understand that the nerdy girl probably sees the popular kids as "gods" and that she probably sees herself as "lame," but it'd be nice if you represented her as being a bit cooler - it's not entirely clear that it's HER thinking she's lame; it sounds more like the narrator is like, "Well, she was lame, but you should just be okay being lame if you're lame," when really what you were going for (I think) was something more along the lines of, "People are just cool no matter who they are, just be yourself." (Unless you're a psychopathic serial killer, of course, then I'd say you're not cool and I would like you to be someone else, please!)
Also I'm not totally clear on what they did to her - they just beat her up, basically? That's all I'm getting from this, so if you had another idea then maybe you should go into a little more detail. I mean, nothing too graphic, just to let people know what's going on. Also I was a little confused by this stanza:
I mean, is this the nerd? Because it must be, based on the fact that she's who the poem is about, but it doesn't sound like her at all. Is this someone else, or is this how the nerdy girl dresses for her date? You may also want to clear that up.
The only other thing is that you get a little preachy in that last verse. I mean, I understand you have a message you're trying to get across, and I understand it's probably difficult to be sure you've gotten it across without saying it outright, but you just have to trust your readers. If you can find a way to end this poem without coming right out and telling us what the message is, you'll be golden.
~Blue