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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay so my review will most likely pale in comparison to Searria H.'s but I want to give my imput as well. I am not going to go over what she commented on though.
This is a really nice poem. There is a defined rhyme scheme, yet sadly no defined rhythem, which may have something to do with the "clutter" Searria described. It would flow and read much better with a definite rhythem.
A few thought I would like to share on your thoughts:
"You, and you have no choice"
This line doesn't really make sense to me. I think it is the use of you twice. Cut it down to just one you and it flows and reads really nice.
You end the first stanza with "You, and you have no choice." Yet you end the entire poem with "Get out while you still have a choice." I know you are saying you have no choice but to destroy the voice, but you aren't very clear at the end what you now have a choice for.
My favorite line in this poem, and it is very hard to choose would be, "The lie is sweet and what you need/ It tames beast you have to feed." The imagery is here in this one sentance, i can picture this gruesome beast and it just makes me happy to see it. While i don't see the connection to the actual poem, i still love the line.
Overall, this is a really good piece with a powerful message. I wish I could silence the voice in my head sometimes. Keep up the good work.
It has two yous, because the first one ties in with the line above. That's why it didn't have any punctuation. The beast is supposed to represent the need to SH.
Hey there, Craz33me! Just stopping by for a review.
This also works with prose.
You had good control over your rhyming scheme. I usually don't like rhymed poems because they feel forced and written around the rhyme rather than having it weave in with the poets intended message. There were only a few lines that seemed sort of awkward, but I don't think it was due to forced rhymes.
The main issue I felt with this was a rather stilted flow. Whenever you write something, it always works out in your head when you read it back to yourself. Even if you read it out loud, you can still force yourself to read it in the way you had intended. I would suggest finding someone with whom you don't mind sharing your work and let them read it to you. The hiccups in your flow will become much more apparent.
Part of the flow issues might be due to what an English teacher of mine would call clutter: unnecessary words in a sentence or phrase that detract from the rest of the work. In the first line, for example, the word "own" is not needed. Who else's body would it be if it's yours? When I read this out loud to myself, it seemed to have an easier rhythm without that word.
I only have a couple of nitpicks.
1)Who is "him?" Is the voice in your narrator's head masculine? Or is there some mysterious person in the narrator's life that doesn't get to be introduced to the reader?
2) Can you double team a person? I've always heard to team up on someone, but I don't know that I've ever heard team as an active verb. That may just be me, though...
I don't really like "to try" here. For some reason, it gives me more of a sense of determination or desperation if you simply "have to destroy the voice."
Favourite line. I've never heard it worded quite this way; it was really nice. You deserve an elephant.
On a side note: I didn't find any flagrant punctuation or grammatical errors, but you should always proofread your work before you post. There's never a rush to post, so even if you type it late at night, you can always save it and wait until the next day to glance over it one more time before you post it for reviews.
Thank you for sharing with us! If you have any questions, comments, or whatever, please feel free to PM me. I'm always happy to help.
Happy writing,
-Sea-
Thanks.
The only reason I used try was because it was supposed to show how hard the voice is to destroy.
The Him is supposed to be the voice
Which ironically the voice is supposed to be a person the reader isn't introduced to.
I know the double team sounds weird, but I play sports and it was supposed to show a trap like in basketball..