Published August 26, 2010
Chapter one-Holly
I am so sick and tired of waiting around, stuck here being something I'm not. Nobody asks me what I want to do- I want to fight.
Holly Moon was stuck. Inside. On the most beutiful day of the year. Learning HERBS. Not fun. She couldn't help but daydream about being outside running through the forest.
"Holly? Holly dear did you hear me?"
"Wha?"Holly looked up to see her Aunt Rose glaring at her.
Aunt Rose sighed,"Holly Moon you need to learn this- soon you will be in charge of the buisiness"
[i]I never wanted this!,Holly thought resisting her urge to say it alound.
"Ha, well look at the time. I better go.",Holly murmered and ran out of the room.
That's all Holly's life had been about family buisiness this and herb that. Holly was truly starting to hate it. When she got outside her dog, Fern, was waiting outside. Holly smiled all her frustration evaperating.
"Come on Fern!", Holly said and the pair took off heading for a clearing in the forest.
Right before the clearing, however, Holly came halting to a stop. Leaning down she rolled over an ordinary rock-and pulled out her shimmering sword.
Now if you talk to any child in the small villiage of Kiyee they would tell you of an open clearing in the middle of Kiyee forest that they use for swordplay. Shocked you may ask 'Swordplay!!!" The child would nodd and tell you of the green-eyed, black haired champion, Holly Moon. That's just what she did.
Holly and her sword were the best. In fact it was rumored she hade never lost a battle. Her sword amazed everyone. It was always and ready. Some said it was magic(little ones), some said it was pure skill (older ones), and one said it was destiny(nobody to him listened though). Always ALWAYS there was something going on-and Holly would fight through it all. So naturally, Holly was suprised when she entered a dull and lifeless arena. Only two boys were thrusting weak blows at each other. Kyle and Brandon. Holly decided to stay in the dark until the battle was over. Thrust, blow, block, twist, thrust. Holly knew the moves by heart. Finally Brandon ruled Kyle with a short sword thrust. She came out of the darkness, clapping. They both looked up, startled.
"Holly!", Brandon greeted his eyes shimmering.
"Hey Brandon, Kyle", Holly said "It hasn't been this empty since...You know"
Of corse they knew. Since my father left was to hard to say.
"Holly.", Brandon placed a hand on her shoulder,"The news came in this morning. They've attacked."
Holly was terrified. The Mackarians had her country, never attacking. Her country ,Donalee, was helpless because of an agreement signed years ago. Now at last they could fight. Holly was both relieved and upset.
"Thanks for telling me. Um...well bye.",she said then turned and fled to the forest with Fern at her feet. The forest usually made Holly happy with it's thick towering pine trees , soft ground, and sweet smell. However, today she only wanted to escape.So she ran and ran only stopping a few times to stop and slash her sword at innocent trees. Panting Holly stopped at the beutiful Aurau river to sit down and sob.
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,336 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...so at first glance, this looks like a pretty solid first chapter. We've got enough of what is usually needed in a first chapter and there aren't too many areas that felt off besides perhaps this one part towards the middle.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy, so this one starting off with the character in the midst of what appears to be a bit of a mild temper tantrum or at least a point where they are feeling particularly grumpy or frustrated with their current situation here. We've got a light glimpse of this other character and sort of the source of this frustration as well. I think on the whole, a decent introduction there, on that does manage to highlight this character and their situation fairly well here.
So, I first assumed we were in more of a Holly's POV kind of situation, but it seems there's a bit more of a narrator situation going on with this one speaking out to the reader there. That's an interesting choice, but I think so far you've doing fairly well with the narrators voice. There's also a very interesting tidbit revealed to us readers there with the sword situation so this is going along well here.
Okay...interesting scene there. I feel like things took a little bit of a detour almost for a second before things got back into the original vein that things were in. That was I think mildly confusing, I think a second look into the flow in this particular section wouldn't hurt anyone here.
Okay...so that's a good ending I think. It does make for a light sort of cliffhanger and those are always good to have at the end of a first chapter so that as a reader you really want to continue reading and find out what happens next. I think you've done very well there to pull that off.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think we're off to a great start here. Things have certainly been quite interesting in this piece and you find yourself wanting to read more and the character is also proving to be interesting with a few nice mysteries sprinkled in there. All in all, a fairly solid first chapter I think.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the opions guys! I understand what your saying and I'll try to fix it. I didn't describe the forest much because this is the only time in the story she see's it! I'd like an opion, however, would you like to read about when the Mackarians attack? Thanks again!
Hey, a follow Novice here,
Just like Kaedee, I think this piece has lots of potential and the only problem it has is the description. If you chuck in a load of similes, metaphors and adjectives it will make it an even more exciting read. What I do is write our what I have wrote (sort of like a rough or first draft) and get a red (or just a different colour) pen and scribble all over it, adding new sentences and taking things out that don't belong there. I find it really useful, but it's up to you.
I don't know if this is a typo or not but I think "wha" should have a capital W.
Whenever Holly is saying something in her head you should put it Italics so people know the tense will be different.
Apart from that this is a great story. I hope you write some more!
X BlackRose X
Hey crafty! Welcome to the site. I'm Kaedee. Or KD. Whatever you want, basically. ^^
So. I can tell this really does have lots of potential. This was fun to read through! I wanted to read more when the chapter came to the close; that's good. But, this whole chapter is a bit confusing.
The first thing you need to do, in my opinion, is organize it better.
I see that you're changing time periods from the first paragraph:
and to the second:
Make sure the reader knows that. For example: Pretend that the difference in time between the first para. and the second is five years. So, in the middle of both paragraphs, you can write something like this:
--Five Years Later--
So this is in first person POV. Maybe put this part in italics. This makes your story look nicer, and helps your POV change make more sense.
The second problem in here, is that you need to explain things more.
At this part, you might want to explain more about her surroundings, so your readers know what you're talking about and get more interested. What does the clearing in the forest look like? What does it smell like? Also, you might want to ramp up the tension a bit here. Make this whole part more exciting, since, well, pulling out a shiny sword from underneath a rock unexpectedly is pretty exciting, haha. How does Holly feel when she pulls out the sword? Does she try it out? Or does she drop it, in fear?
Explain that this sword she has is the one she found underneath the rock (explain if I am not correct).
Explain a tiny bit about what kind of things are going on.
Hope I helped, and good luck! I think you have a good start. If you have any questions, just leave 'em on my wall. Cya round-
KD