It was a rainy day in the small town of Timbertville Alabama. The rain drops dripping from the passenger side of Braxton's Ford F-150 reminded me of the time we ran into that car wash while chasing a fugitive. "Some day." He said as we pulled into my driveway. "Yeah. It was defiantly somthin." That particular day our boss, Derek Weebly had shot the man that had me and Braxton captured. Without Derek we would have probably died that day. "I don't really feel like talking about it." I said, I knew that whenever Braxton stated something out of no where like that it meant he wanted to conversate about it. "Well, alright. You take it easy John." "See ya." I said. I walked inside my empy home and started wondering how my life got so depressing. I was a deputy U.S. marshal. My wife had been dead for 3 years. I had a son named Tom who left home right after she died. I walked into my living room and sat down on what used to be her chair. Then I closed my eyes, and tried to think of a happier time as I started to fall asleep.
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137,776 Literary Works • 672,064 Reviews
There's a lot of potential in this story!
However, there are a couple of things you need to improve on.
1. Break it apart. You cramped all your paragraphs together, so I found it difficult to read. Remember: every time a new character speaks, another paragraph should be started.
For example:
"Gary, come here!" Rita shouted from their bedroom, hands on her hips.
Gary sighed. "Is it anything important, babe? I'm working."
"Yes, it is, actually! Your stupid cat ripped my dress again."
Did you notice how easy it is to follow the story like this?
2. You *told* us the story, rather than *showing* it to us. For example, you mentioned that John's wife has died. Instead of *telling* that to us, *show* it to us. For instance, John sees their picture together and cries, or he finds a gift he had given her and has a flashback. You have to *show* us that he misses her.
3. This kind of links to my second point. You need to add more details/description to the story. You mentioned that John sits on her chair. You might take this as a chance to show us how their relationship was. For example, you could show us a flashback in which his wife's pregnant and sitting on this chair.
Moreover, you need to give us descriptions about your characters' appearence. We don't have any idea what Derek or John look like. In order to avoid info-dumping, you can slyly feed us this information through their actions. For example: John sighed and rubbed his tired, grey eyes. Or, Derek ran his fingers through his thick, black hair.
Overall, good starting point.
Well done, and keep it up!
Definitely an interesting start to a character. I see a lot of potential in John being a great main character for a larger story. A run down man who has been tortured and defeated all of his life by loss, but also made stronger by it. I am also interested in the dynamic to John that Tom adds. Whether or not he returns to his father, or simply stays in little touch with him could be an interesting thing to see how someone like John could handle it. I am now interested in learning more about this setup. Not only John but those who live with and around him. I see a lot of potential in this story, and will be awaiting the remainder of it.
Thanks for the feedback. I've been busy lately but I plan on submiting the 2nd and 3rd part at the same time very soon though. Please keep reading and enjoy.
Well this certainly has me intrigued. I'm quite a softy for characters like John so I can't help but splurge when a new one arises. I definitely fine the concept interesting, I've never really read a story on a backwoods U.S deputy marshal. That being said I think you could do with a little more description. Now not saying much on his past may be a good strategy if you want to reveal the details as the story progresses but it seems you've jumped the bandwagon and already informed us of John's fractured past, which I think is bold. The only thing I'd recommend is a bit more meat, maybe some more on Derek, John's house, anything really. Anyways, It's entertaining, I like it!
Really great ideas. Ill hopefully get better at my descriptions in the 2nd part. Thanks for the feedback and please keep reading.
Sure thing, I will!!