Hola cpthakur! This has a lot of good words in it, and the title is captivating, but I can not figure out what is going on immediately. Some readers love to be challenged by big words and fancy styles, but no reader likes to feel caught outside of the story because they do not understand what is going on. This is a great beginning for a story, but it needs a lot of building. What is happening to the sixteen year old? Can you build the main character a bit more, to make her/him seem like a human instead of a collection of words? What does the main character see, sense, smell or feel? To help yourself out, maybe draw this story in comic form (you don't have to be good at drawing, stickman figures will do just as good as anything!) and write some of those pictures into your story, like you are explaining the comic to someone. Above everything, don't stop writing! Your writing style is unique and beautiful, ready to become something wonderful =)

FallWolf

Hello!

Wow your title is very captivating! Excluding the various grammatical errors, the story has a good outline. Although it is very descriptive, the story itself is lost within the several pronouns and descriptive language. [quote] and to my astonishment a 16-yr old girl was helled to much misdemeanor she can have. [quote/] I am a bit confused by this, is the word supposed to be "held" instead of "helled". The sentence itself doesn't make much sense, maybe try and define her purpose better, the sentence just seems a bit odd. However, I did really like [quote] i saw her emotions swinging around for a helping hand. [quote/] This is such a good line because it paints a picture and helps define the other character. Not only this but [quote] i admitted the notion of possessing a good evil within every man but our inertness to to take an initiative has cheaped this holy character [quote/] I like how this line really lays out the moral of the story. Also the excessive exclamation marks at the end of the passage disrupts the flow of the writing, try and keep it down to just one, otherwise the writing simply seems immature.
Overall I do think you have a good story started, it just needs some polishing up here and there.

kitcat84

Hello there! Gonna leave a brief review for ya.

So, overall, I think you have a great basis for a story! Everything is there to formulate a story, but it feels jumbled. I won't nit-pick any grammar errors, but I will point out, that you have some. I suggest looking through your story, and trying to edit out and correct the errors. My only other comment, is that halfway through your story, I got very confused. I can't exactly pin-point what happened in this story... I think there was a young girl in disress, and a middle aged man helped her? But everything else confused me. I think it may help to be more cLear wih the plot, but other than that, you did a good job. Your story has a lot of potential! I'll be sure to keep an eye out for more of your work!

Hey there!

So I think you've got a good idea going here, but I think it would've been better if you had executed it properly. What I mean by that is the fact that I can see you've got a lot to work with, but it feels like you've come up short. Don't get me wrong, your descriptions are wonderful, but why not describe the state the girl is in more? Sure, I understand that she's in trouble, but what kind? How severe is it? I can't answer these questions with the info you gave me, so all I'm suggesting is to develop it further.

Also, be very careful with your punctuation. You only need one exclamation point, not several. Don't worry, I can tell the excitement through just one. Also, your spacing is a bit weird, which made things a little hard to read. Instead of typing, "...for all that he did.hats off yo you my man!" it should be: "...for all that he did. Hats off to you, my man!" If you aren't so sure about punctuation and its proper place, I'd advise reading up on that a little before writing your next piece. You can even read more books and see how published authors do it. It'll help a bunch and gain a much better response, trust me.

Just a side note, remember to capitalize your "I". I saw a few lowercase I's in there. c:

Other than that, I do believe this has a lot of potential (I can see that through your description). It just needs some work is all. I wish you luck with editing!

Hey, Thakur!

Welcome to YWS!!

It's a beeeaaautiful story, man! You did great as a beginner.

The title is awesome, surely one that can get my attention. The way you have described is good,too. But I think, I found some grammatical mistakes. I would suggest you to re-read the story and edit. Be careful with the punctuation.

It's a simple story saying common but an important aspect of human beings in a simple way. I like the stories which do so. And I also like the writers who write in such a way..

However, I would have liked to read more of your regret or whatever you are feeling for not being able to ask his name( sorry, dude , can't name the feeling/emotion). You could have lengthened the ending a little bit more by writing more about it.

That's all I have to say for now...Hoping to read more of your writings.