Once there was a little girl
Who was desperate for help.
She was as frail as a snowflake
And light as a feather.
She was as thin as the air around her.
Her body gave off signs that reminded her
Of the pain she secretly loves.
She was frightened by the girl in the reflection
That stared right into her weary eyes.
Possessing her was a ghost
That gave her the illusion that
She was not beautiful.
She developed an obsession
Over the girls in the magazines.
“I want to be like them,” she thought.
She buried herself in lies.
She buried herself too far
Into the idea that she could be “perfect”
Because as she was trying to reach her goal
She collapsed on the ground
Since she didn’t get the help she truly needed
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This was powerful. VERY powerful. I like it.
Your wording is perfect, I particularly liked the lines:
"She was as frail as a snowflake
And light as a feather.
She was as thin as the air around her."
As it's such great imagery and really makes the reader know what's going on, you know?
The end is powerful, and finishes the poem nicely, although I think you could improve it a bit more. Like breaking it up, for example:
"Since she didn’t get
the help
she truly
needed"
I think that would make it more powerful and FINAL, you know?
Great poem though, I like it, you have talent!
-CFG
Hi!
I really like this piece and the concept you decided to try to grasp. The poem is lovely and on point about this disorder, which I truly admire.
However, I feel like it doesn't have enough emotion. It is pretty emotional as it is, but I feel like it does not capture how truly devastating an eating disorder like this is for the MC. I suggest using more imagery to describe the girl's struggle and her obsession with the girls in the magazines. Capitalize on the emotions she's feeling and her circular reasoning as to why she needs her eating disorder and why she needs to look like the girls in the magazines.
I also liked the lines about the MC burying herself and I think you could do more with that. Make it more dramatic maybe, make the words and mood as life-threatening as the disorder. Oh, and maybe elaborate on the line "the pain she secretly loves" because it provides insight into the MC's line of thinking and how desperate her situation is.
Overall, it's a great poem, but it could be so much more with just a few alterations to the word choice.
Keep writing and good luck,
Dianne E.C.E.
Hey there aouther2b here to review this piece, so lets get to it shall we?
What I liked:
1. The concept. Now don't get me wrong I don't support anorexia and I wish no one felt that way, but I do like how you present this idea. It isn't very much of an original mindset for the topic, but it is still very eloquently put.
2. The emotion. For such a sad topic you did really well about creating a beautiful image and filled it with great emotion.
What I didn't like:
1. The originality. As I said the concept isn't new and the view point you took on it isn't new either. I think if you continued it on past the point you left it off at then you would be able to make it your own kind of story (not saying you have gone through it, but that it would be diffrent from all the other stories).
2. The diction. I think if you wanted to you could always be more colorful and creative with the words that you use, create more imagery and change your tone into something of even deeper meaning.
Overall:
A very touching poem on a very touchy subject. Well written yet there is room for improvement. Great job and keep writing!
Thank you so much! This was kind of a quick thought that I wrote down but I do like your advice!