E - Everyone

The Curse from Ekho Chapter 1 - Sample of a new MG fantasy project

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Chapter 1: The Archer

The forest had not been very kind to Tim for the past few days. In fact, it was a miracle he hadn’t gotten himself killed during that time. Between the bear sightings and the wild berries he ate in fear of starvation, maybe he was lucky to make it this far.

Although, if I were lucky, I wouldn’t even be in this situation, he also thought to himself.

It felt like only yesterday he had to leave his village after the annual ritual took a sour turn. But of course, it wasn’t yesterday. Since then he had to endure three long days of forest survival, where each day a single wrong decision could lead to a slow and painful death.

Fortunately, that particular day was a nice day. The sun was showing itself for the first time in days, and it brought a spring warmth and illuminated the entire forest. He breathed in the thick scent of wildflowers and oak trees as he silently moved through the dense woods. Tim really wanted to believe that things might start improving for him soon.

Maybe today will be a good day, he hopefully thought.

Unfortunately, that hope was soon dashed when he heard a loud crunch in the distance. He quickly disappeared behind a nearby tree, determined to not be seen by whatever creature was moving nearby. After a minute of laying low, Tim’s curiosity overtook him and he silently peaked around the tree. What he saw was certainly no woodland creature. It was something far worse: a man. The man looked fairly old and was strolling through the forest without a care in the world.

Tim knew he couldn’t let this man see him. No matter what.

He tore his gaze away from the gray-headed man and tried to stand behind the thick tree as quietly as possible. He knew if he made a move, the man would hear him and probably want to investigate. This meant Tim also had to keep his crazed breathing under control. So he nervously stood still, and desperately hoped the man would pass by.

* * *

Barry only intended to take a peaceful hike through the forest. The last few days had been so wet and dreary, but today started out warm and bright. A walk in the forest would do me some good! He had joyfully thought at the start of the day.

However, what he did not expect was that only an hour into his walk he would hear some strange noises. It started when Barry stepped on a large branch, causing a crack to echo through the forest. Right after that, he heard quick, tiny footsteps and someone panting. He even swore he could see something staring at him from around a tree. The thought that Barry wasn’t alone in that quiet, secluded place was a bit unnerving, so he mustered up the courage to investigate behind the oak tree.

He silently crept to the spot, making sure not to step on any more inconvenient branches. He was preparing himself to pounce as soon as he saw a threat behind the tree, but when he was only a couple of feet away, whatever thing that concealed itself started running! It ran and ran and never looked back on poor old Barry.

Once again, he didn’t get a good look at it, but this time he could at least make out the fact that it was a human. A kid, most likely. Barry didn’t know if this kid had any malicious intentions, or if they were just a lonely child lost in the woods, but he quickly decided he wanted to find out.

The kid may have gotten a head start, but Barry was quick to catch up. Maybe he was just an old timer, but he knew those woods like the back of his hand, and it was clear the runaway kid had no idea where they were going. They scurried between the trees with no logical direction, making it easy for Barry to see between their trickery and follow their path. You can run, but you can’t hide! He excitedly thought.

Barry certainly didn’t have any malicious intentions; if need be, he just wanted to help the kid. He held out his hand and called, “Kid, wait! I just want to help!”

There was no hesitation from the kid; they just kept running. Yet the lack of response only served to make Barry more determined. He didn’t know what this kid was up to, but something about the situation just didn’t sit right with him. And as the great chase came to a climax – with Barry only a couple of yards away from the kid – he finally noticed a very important detail. Two pearly white, ivory horns poked out from the kid’s messy, black hair...

Barry stopped in his tracks.

Only the day before Barry had heard an interesting rumor. Someone had told him that a boy in a nearby village had been discovered harboring a curse. Supposedly, some little boy had come of age and participated in the sacred ritual and came out the other end with horns sticking out of his head. Fortunately, he was also told that the problem child was quickly dealt with. But standing in that tranquil forest, Barry had found direct proof that the child had not been dealt with. That Devil Spawn, destroyer of the country, was running alone in the forest, right in front of him.

Barry ran.

Not away from the accursed child like any sane person would, but towards them. Barry was a simple man; he’d lived alone in a small, unremarkable village his whole life. But at that very moment, an incredible opportunity had been presented to him. He could finally do something meaningful with his life. He could be the hero. He knew if he could capture the child he’d return to his home as a hero. How hard could catching one kid be?

The kid tried their best to snake in and out of the maze of trees, but Barry stayed focused. He wouldn’t let the sight of their target slip away. And no matter how long the kid tried to run, Barry only continued to inch closer and closer. Only a few feet away!

He reached out his hand, ready to grab his target.

Almost… there!

Barry’s hand latched onto the back of the kid’s dirty shirt, putting a tight grasp on its target.

Barry grinned. Finally! I got ‘em!

But his celebration soon ended when a flying object whizzed past his head, pierced the back of his shirt, and stuck into a nearby tree.

* * *

Tim couldn’t be sure what that man chasing him was planning to do to him. All he knew was that he shouldn’t let anyone see him considering the state he was in. And when that man had grabbed onto the back of his linen shirt, Tim really thought it was the end of the road for him. But then suddenly the man stopped. Tim whipped his head around and saw that the man was stuck to a tree! He didn’t understand how it had happened, but he did use those precious seconds to escape. He raced forward, running so fast that the man was caught off guard and relinquished his hold on Tim’s shirt.

Tim planned on running forward for quite some time, but then he heard someone speaking.

“Stop.”

The voice was smooth and confident. It didn’t sound like the raspy voice of that old man. And Tim couldn’t explain why, but he suddenly felt compelled to follow the voice’s order.

Through the thick wooded brush, the form of a boy soon appeared. With messy brown hair and bright blue eyes, he didn’t look that much older than Tim. He wore dark green and brown clothes, as if he was trying to blend in with the surrounding forest. His right hand held a large bow.

The boy pulled an arrow out of a quiver strung around his back and sharply pointed it at the old man that had been chasing Tim only a moment ago.

“Why are you chasing this boy?” he demanded in a serious tone.

Tim finally turned his attention to the old man. He hadn’t noticed before, but the man had been bound to the tree by an arrow that had torn through his shirt and was embedded in the oak.

“I was chasing that boybecause he’s cursed!” the old man sputtered in his raspy voice.

The mysterious boy chuckled; his voice was much softer than before. “Now that seems a little rude. Why don’t you explain yourself.”

“Look at the boy’s head! Those evil horns will be the death of us all!”

The mysterious boy appeared to be in thought. “Hmmm… interesting…” he muttered to himself.

He walked over to where Tim was standing and reached out his hand. Tim winced; he wasn’t used to human contact.

“Don’t worry, I won’t bite,” the mysterious boy calmly whispered.

The boy poked the tip of Tim’s horn; he ran his fingers down the smooth, ivory surface. But no matter how much the boy would poke and prod, Tim couldn’t feel it. Those horns were attached to him, but Tim liked to believe they weren’t actually part of him.

The mysterious boy’s attention snapped back to the older man. He was still stuck to the tree but was now desperately trying to pull the arrow out to no avail.

“I don’t see a problem with these horns. What’s so evil about them?” the boy with the bow curiously asked.

The older man stopped struggling with the arrow. “He’s been marked by an evil presence. That boy is filled with ancient, dark magic. You have to kill him!”

The mysterious boy chuckled again, “Now that definitely sounds a bit rude.”

“You have to listen to me! Shoot the boy now!”

The mysterious boy shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. He began walking away from the two but turned around for a second. “So…are you coming with me or not?”

Tim was surprised. “Are you talking to me?”

“Who else would I be talking to?”

The mysterious boy turned back and continued walking away. Tim took another glance at the older man, still desperately trying to free himself from the tree. Tim didn’t know who the archer was, but he did know that he had saved him from that crazed lunatic now stuck to a tree. Filled with curiosity, Tim followed his savior.

As the two vanished into the woodland, the older man let out one last croak: “Don’t trust him! He’ll kill you! He’ll kill us all!”

***

The Archer hurried through the forest. Tim was tired and confused but didn’t dare ask for a break. He was hoping to receive some kind of help from this stranger, so he thought it best to not get in his way. The two had to have traveled for well over an hour never saying a word to each other. Finally, the two made it to a clearing. A large pile of wood and sticks lay in the center of a small, circular area.

The Archer motioned to the place, “This is where I’ve set up camp.”

Tim was a bit underwhelmed, “It’s just a bunch of sticks.”

“Yeah, but I’ve got a secret stash of supplies.”

The Archer pointed to a tall, mighty oak. It easily reached a hundred feet into the air, and its many branches were covered with an impossible amount of perfectly green leaves.

The Archer turned back to Tim, “So you’re welcome to stay here with me for a few nights if you want to. I know how cold this forest can get at night.”

Tim wasn’t entirely sure if he should trust the stranger, but he also knew how dreadful a cold forest night was when you were alone. He had spent the last few nights shivering under a tree, praying some wild animal wouldn’t attack him while he slept.

“Well if it’s not too much trouble, I guess I wouldn’t mind camping out here for a few nights,” Tim admitted.

The Archer smiled, “Great. I’m going to go take a dip in the river, and then I’ll see about wrangling up some dinner.”

And just like that, the Archer passed beyond the clearing and vanished into the trees, as he seemed to be able to do so easily. Tim didn’t have anything better to do, so he followed. He quickly lost sight of the Archer, so he used the sound of flowing water to guide him. It only took a minute to make it through the forest to be greeted by the oasis. A river – about fifty feet wide and six feet deep – snaked throughout the valley. And the Archer – having ditched his bow and quiver at the bank – waded around the shallow edge of the water. Tim hadn’t been in that forest-length river since the previous morning, so the crystal-clear water alluringly beckoned him in. He took a running start and leaped into the water, causing a giant splash. After being submerged in the chilled water for just a few seconds, he stood up and gasped for air. And at that very moment, for the first time in days, Tim felt truly relaxed.

***

Later the two boys returned to camp. The Archer went to the tree with his secret stash and grabbed one of the lower branches to pull himself up. Like a squirrel, he scurried up the next several branches until he had disappeared into the tree’s leaves. Tim had no idea what was going on behind the green foliage, but after a minute, the Archer returned with two dry changes of clothes. He handed one to Tim. Tim eagerly changed out of his soaked set. He deposited his wet clothes on a warm rock to dry, and then looked down to inspect the outfit he found himself wearing. The linen cloth was covered in mud-color splotches, with a few streaks of dark green. The Archer wears a lot of camouflage.

Tim hadn’t noticed at first, but the Archer had also brought a plump rabbit from the tree.

The rabbit was very much dead. Its obsidian eyes were glazed over and dried blood coated its head.

The Archer proudly held the rabbit up by its lucky foot, “I headshot this guy and he didn’t even know it was coming!”

Tim made a mental note to not upset the Archer.

***

The Archer didn’t waste any time before he began to prepare dinner. He sat down on the ground with his prize rabbit and a large hunter’s knife. Tim watched as he mercilessly tore the fur off the rabbit and plunged his knife into its fat body. He felt like he was going to be sick; he turned around and settled himself on the ground.

Tim had lost his sense of time after spending so long wandering through the woods. He was surprised to see the orange sun had almost reached the horizon. It wouldn’t be too long until nightfall. Today passed by so quickly, he thought as he stared into the distant woods.

Tim kept thinking about his interaction with the older man who had chased him. The stranger went absolutely savage when he saw Tim’s horns. Tim certainly knew those horns were going to pose a problem, but he had hoped it wouldn’t be that bad. Tim’s thoughts turned toward the mysterious archer. Sure, he had saved Tim’s life, but Tim still knew so little about him. Staring out into those dark woods, Tim wondered if he would fare better out on his own.

No, that’s silly. This guy has been kind enough to help me out. I’m much better off with him than on my own, Tim determined.

Even with his back turned, Tim could still hear the definite tearing of the rabbit’s skin. It continued for a few more minutes until the Archer suddenly appeared in front of Tim, making Tim jump a little. He held up two hands covered in…rabbit juice.

“I think I should probably wash my hands off. Be back in a second.”

The Archer walked off in the direction of the river.

This guy is a bit creepy though, Tim worried.

***

Tim stared deeply into the fire the archer had prepared. The crackling light gradually consumed the giant pile of wood that lay in the center of the camp, and it brought nighttime warmth Tim wasn’t used to having. The archer had placed a long pointed stick over the flames. He stuck a giant piece of rabbit meat on it to carefully rotate over the fire.

“I just realized that I never got your name,” the archer said out of the blue.

The two had been mutely sitting around the fire for several minutes, but Tim answered, “My name’s Tim, what about you?”

“Alec.”

The two went quiet again. Then Tim awkwardly cleared his throat, “I forgot to say this earlier, but thanks for saving me. If you didn’t happen to show up at that exact moment, I don’t know what that stranger would have done to me.”

Alec waved his hand, “Oh, don’t worry about that, it was nothing. But more importantly, did you ever notice that I’ve been trailing you for the last couple of days?”

“What do you mean?”

“Two days ago I happened to spot a boy in this forest. I had no idea where he came from…but something about him felt odd. He wandered aimlessly around the area with no clear sense of direction and had two white horns upon his head. I was curious, so I would often follow him from a distance, concealing myself in the woods’ brush. Apparently he never even noticed. But today, I finally revealed myself when I saw that boy get chased by a frightening man he didn’t seem to know.”

Tim didn’t know what to say to that. Alec had been watching him this whole time?

It took Alec a couple of more minutes to finish cooking the rabbit. The golden-brown meat shimmered in the glow of the setting sun. Alec picked up a fresh knife and cleanly sliced off half of the meat from the spear, and it came tumbling down to his lap. Tim moved in closer as Alec passed him the remaining meat, still impaled on the spear.

Normally Tim would be much more hesitant to eat an animal he saw skinned right before his eyes, but after eating nothing but wild red berries for days, he dug right in without thinking. He tore off a giant chunk and barely chewed before swallowing. He was starving, and it felt great.

It didn’t take long for the two ravenous boys to finish their meal, leaving them to just sit there again in silence, huddled around the fire as the night cooled down. The sky was dark, so Tim could only see Alec’s face illuminated through the orange hue of the flames.

“So where do you come from?” Alec suddenly asked after a long period of silence.

“A small village named Ekho. It’s somewhere at the edge of the forest.”

Alec thought about that for a moment and stroked his chin. “You don’t seem to have a path moving forward. Something tells me you weren’t planning on leaving your village.”

This was starting to breach uncomfortable territory for Tim. He was hesitant to give this stranger too much information about his past life, and some of his memories were just too painful for him to think about.

Yet, Tim still wanted to acknowledge Alec’s concerns. “Let’s just say…I wasn’t planning on leaving home, but certain circumstances forced me to do so. Whether I was prepared to or not.”

Thankfully Alec didn’t push for any further details.

The two stared at the fire for a little while longer until Alec rose from the ground.

“I’ve got one last thing I’d like to ask you,” he started, “For the last few days have you onlybeen eating red wild berries?”

“Yeah, what about ‘em?”

Alec started giggling hysterically.

“What’s wrong with the berries?” Tim worriedly asked.

Alec doubled down laughing. “I’m laughing too much, it hurts!” he exclaimed between the violent fits of giggles.

Tim jumped up to his feet. “What’s wrong with the berries?!”

Alec took a deep breath in and a deep breath out. He let out one last flurry of snorts and looked toward Tim, his face completely serious. He shook his head, “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m sureyou’ll be fine.”

He turned around and walked toward the great tree, just a few feet away. Earlier he had deposited two blankets at the trunk of the tree, which he grabbed now. He tossed one to Tim, who just barely managed to catch the edge of it before it fell to the ground.

“Good night and good luck. You’ll definitely need it,” Alec said right before he settled on the ground wrapped up in his blanket.

What’s wrong with the berries? Tim thought one last time.

***

Tim spent the most excruciating two hours of his life by the river’s side that night. Graphic details will not be provided for a book of this nature, but just trust that it was gruesome. After that was done, he hobbled back to camp and collapsed on the ground. He had just enough energy to reach out to grab his blanket. He covered his whole body with scratchy, cotton fabric; it wasn’t a great blanket, but it was far better than what he had the previous nights. The forest was pitch black as it always was at night, but a few glowing embers still clung to the burnt wood. Tim scooted a couple of feet closer to what remained of the fire, trying to get all the warmth he could on a cold night.

It had been an interesting day for Tim. And looking at his new companion, Tim realized that things may actually be looking up for him. He peacefully drifted off to sleep.

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Lolth here for a review! I'll do my best! This is going to be a long one!

Part one:

Although, if I were lucky, I wouldn’t even be in this situation, he also thought to himself.


Having no indication of this being a thought threw me off at first. I would recommend adding in someway of letting the reader know this is a thought. Put it in italics, or surround it with single quotations.

Your third paragraph I feel could use some rewording. It flows a little funny in my opinion.

I really like your fourth paragraph. You have some good descriptors and it really paints a picture as to where Tim is.

The man looked fairly old and was strolling through the forest without a care in the world.


I would add some more description in of the old man. Is he short or tall? Does he have a hunchback? What kind of clothes is he wearing?

How close is the man that he could possibly hear Tim's crazed breathing? If he's close enough to hear that why didn't he see Tim before?

Part Two:

I'm going to assume the sound of the tiny feet was Tim? Is Tim short? Petite? Is he a child? I feel like some descriptor of Tim before this would have been nice.

He silently crept to the spot, making sure not to step on any more inconvenient branches. He was preparing himself to pounce as soon as he saw a threat behind the tree, but when he was only a couple of feet away, whatever thing that concealed itself started running!


Alright, so this bit here. It's my opinion that exclamation marks really shouldn't go anywhere in a novel except for dialogue unless it is first person. This is a personal opinion, so take this with a grain of salt.

I would also add in some more description of Tim here. Barry may not have seen him clearly, but maybe put a flash of -insert color of clothing here- or something of that sort. It would help draw the reader in and put more into the scene.

Once again, he didn’t get a good look at it, but this time he could at least make out the fact that it was a human. A kid, most likely. Barry didn’t know if this kid had any malicious intentions, or if they were just a lonely child lost in the woods, but he quickly decided he wanted to find out.


Okay, why did he decide he wanted to find out about the kid? What is his thought process behind this? He's an old man, yes? Would he not be worried if this kid did have malicious intent? I would suggest going into some of Barry's thoughts on this.

The kid may have gotten a head start, but Barry was quick to catch up. Maybe he was just an old timer, but he knew those woods like the back of his hand, and it was clear the runaway kid had no idea where they were going. They scurried between the trees with no logical direction, making it easy for Barry to see between their trickery and follow their path. You can run, but you can’t hide! He excitedly thought.


Knowing the woods like the back of your hand doesn't necesarrily mean that you'd be able to navigate effectively. There could be branches that have fallen that weren't there last time, felled trees, a new bush. Also, Barry is old, he wouldn't necessarily have the same kind of stamina as a younger person.

Barry certainly didn’t have any malicious intentions; if need be, he just wanted to help the kid. He held out his hand and called, “Kid, wait! I just want to help!”


I don't think you need to say that Barry doesn't have any malicious intent. It's in his PoV. That's been made obvious by this point.

There was no hesitation from the kid; they just kept running. Yet the lack of response only served to make Barry more determined. He didn’t know what this kid was up to, but something about the situation just didn’t sit right with him. And as the great chase came to a climax – with Barry only a couple of yards away from the kid – he finally noticed a very important detail. Two pearly white, ivory horns poked out from the kid’s messy, black hair...


Why does the kid's lack of response make Barry more determined? Why doesn't the situation sit right with him? I feel like I'm sitting in a window and watching a show through the window. I'm getting the gist of what's going on, but not really understanding why. Also, white and ivory...are synonyms. There's not really a need to state both.

Only the day before Barry had heard an interesting rumor. Someone had told him that a boy in a nearby village had been discovered harboring a curse. Supposedly, some little boy had come of age and participated in the sacred ritual and came out the other end with horns sticking out of his head. Fortunately, he was also told that the problem child was quickly dealt with. But standing in that tranquil forest, Barry had found direct proof that the child had not been dealt with. That Devil Spawn, destroyer of the country, was running alone in the forest, right in front of him.


Okay so this...was something. I like the idea of this. I really like the idea of this. That being said, it could have been addressed in the very beginning of the chapter. You could have had Tim thinking about what had happened as he walked through the forest, reliving those moments.

Not away from the accursed child like any sane person would, but towards them. Barry was a simple man; he’d lived alone in a small, unremarkable village his whole life. But at that very moment, an incredible opportunity had been presented to him. He could finally do something meaningful with his life. He could be the hero. He knew if he could capture the child he’d return to his home as a hero. How hard could catching one kid be?


I absolutely adore this entire paragraph. You go into Barry's thoughts and describe why he decided to continue chasing the child. Amazing job!

The kid tried their best to snake in and out of the maze of trees, but Barry stayed focused. He wouldn’t let the sight of their target slip away. And no matter how long the kid tried to run, Barry only continued to inch closer and closer. Only a few feet away!

He reached out his hand, ready to grab his target.

Almost… there!

Barry’s hand latched onto the back of the kid’s dirty shirt, putting a tight grasp on its target.

Barry grinned. Finally! I got ‘em!


How long have they been running at this point? It feels like it's been quite some time. I would include about how they're both out of breath, the sweat trickled down their skin from the exertion, something like that.

Part Three:

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and state this here. The amount of times that you switch PoVs is giving me whip lash. I would highly suggest sticking with one character's PoV for an entire chapter, or doing more of an omniscent narrator.

Tim couldn’t be sure what that man chasing him was planning to do to him. All he knew was that he shouldn’t let anyone see him considering the state he was in. And when that man had grabbed onto the back of his linen shirt, Tim really thought it was the end of the road for him.


This would be a good spot to put in that maybe he felt panicked, describe the way he felt physically when the old man grabbed his shirt. Did his collar cut into his throat?

But then suddenly the man stopped. Tim whipped his head around and saw that the man was stuck to a tree!


I don't claim to be an expert in archery, however, I'm not sure if an arrow would actually pull someone against their will and then stick them to a tree. Did the old man's shirt fly up? How did it pierce the back of his shirt if it flew by his head as state previously?

He raced forward, running so fast that the man was caught off guard and relinquished his hold on Tim’s shirt.


Wouldn't he have done this when he had an arrow attach him to a tree?

Tim. He wore dark green and brown clothes, as if he was trying to blend in with the surrounding forest.


Try to write more in definitives when writing in third person. Using words such as: almost, as iff, seemed to, was like, tend to make it sound like you're not entire sure yourself.

Tim finally turned his attention to the old man. He hadn’t noticed before, but the man had been bound to the tree by an arrow that had torn through his shirt and was embedded in the oak.


You just said that he saw the old man stuck to a tree. How did he not notice it was an arrow? Wouldn't that be kind of obvious?

“I was chasing that boybecause he’s cursed!” the old man sputtered in his raspy voice.


Might want to add a space between boy and because. :P

How old is this mysterious boy? Is he about Tim's age? Is he a teenager? Either way, why is the old man explaining himself to a child?

He walked over to where Tim was standing and reached out his hand. Tim winced; he wasn’t used to human contact.


If he wasn't used to human contact why didn't he bolt when the other boy reached out to touch him?

He was still stuck to the tree but was now desperately trying to pull the arrow out to no avail.


Why hasn't he just taken his shirt off to get free from the arrow?

Tim didn’t know who the archer was, but he did know that he had saved him from that crazed lunatic now stuck to a tree. Filled with curiosity, Tim followed his savior.


Tim, up until this point, seems to have been extremely wary of others. Why does he suddenly decide to follow this strange boy? Curiosity or not, it seems out of character from what we learned up to this point.

Part Four:
The Archer hurried through the forest. Tim was tired and confused but didn’t dare ask for a break.


This kid kind of seems like a jerk. Tim has been running for god only knows how long. The possibility of his legs just not working is very real. Which, would actually be interesting. The archer not noticing that he's struggling until he turns to check on the boy, only to find him collapsed a good distance behind.

“Yeah, but I’ve got a secret stash of supplies.”

The Archer pointed to a tall, mighty oak. It easily reached a hundred feet into the air, and its many branches were covered with an impossible amount of perfectly green leaves.


Why is he telling a complete stranger where his secret stash of supplies is? Or that he even has one? Also, that is a very big tree. I love big trees.

And just like that, the Archer passed beyond the clearing and vanished into the trees, as he seemed to be able to do so easily.


How is this kid so good at living in the forest? Was he raised here? Is he an elf or something?

Also, instead of just continually calling him The Archer maybe use some descriptors to describe him. 'The taller boy.', ''The red-headed boy', etc of however he looks.

It only took a minute to make it through the forest to be greeted by the oasis. A river – about fifty feet wide and six feet deep – snaked throughout the valley.


How dense is this forest that he couldn't see the river through the trees being only a minute away from it?

Part Five:
Tim hadn’t noticed at first, but the Archer had also brought a plump rabbit from the tree.


How long has that rabbit been there? I'm assuming not long since it isn't decaying, but how did the Archer prevent other wild animals, including predatory birds, from getting the rabbit if he just had it laying about in a tree?

Part Six:
He sat down on the ground with his prize rabbit and a large hunter’s knife. Tim watched as he mercilessly tore the fur off the rabbit and plunged his knife into its fat body.


Have you ever skinned a rabbit? A large hunting knife may work for skinning a deer, it would be way to big and bulky for skinning a rabbit. Skinning a rabbit is very similar to removing a sock, but you have to be able to cut the skin first without also cutting into the muscle of the rabbit.

Tim had lost his sense of time after spending so long wandering through the woods. He was surprised to see the orange sun had almost reached the horizon.


How dense is this forest that he couldn't tell the passage of time, even arbitrarily?

Staring out into those dark woods, Tim wondered if he would fare better out on his own.

No, that’s silly. This guy has been kind enough to help me out. I’m much better off with him than on my own, Tim determined.


I'm starting to assume that Tim is like, at most, ten years old. I don't see any other reason why he'd be this naive.

Part Seven:
Alec waved his hand, “Oh, don’t worry about that, it was nothing. But more importantly, did you ever notice that I’ve been trailing you for the last couple of days?”


Why didn't Alec make himself known to Tim before now? Could he not tell that Tim was struggling? Was he just going to keep letting Tim suffer?

“Two days ago I happened to spot a boy in this forest. I had no idea where he came from…but something about him felt odd. He wandered aimlessly around the area with no clear sense of direction and had two white horns upon his head. I was curious, so I would often follow him from a distance, concealing myself in the woods’ brush. Apparently he never even noticed. But today, I finally revealed myself when I saw that boy get chased by a frightening man he didn’t seem to know.”


He's already established that the boy was Tim, so it's kind of weird that he begins to talk about him as though he's not there.

Tim didn’t know what to say to that. Alec had been watching him this whole time?


What kind of emotion is Tim feeling about this revelation? Angry? Weirded out?

Alec picked up a fresh knife and cleanly sliced off half of the meat from the spear, and it came tumbling down to his lap.


So...did he debone the rabbit as well?

Normally Tim would be much more hesitant to eat an animal he saw skinned right before his eyes, but after eating nothing but wild red berries for days, he dug right in without thinking.


This part is interesting, and I would have loved to have seen it delved into more at the beginning. I think starting it off with right after Tim ran away from his village and then covering how he survived in the forest would have been a great way to start this.

Part Eight:
Tim spent the most excruciating two hours of his life by the river’s side that night. Graphic details will not be provided for a book of this nature, but just trust that it was gruesome.


There really isn't a need to break the fourth wall here. That entire last setence of the quote wasn't needed.


Alright, so overall thoughts. It's an interesting premise and I'm really interested to learn more about what's going on, especially the curse. There are some things you could improve such as descriptions and character thoughts, but everyone has room for improvement!

Thanks a lot for the review. You're the first person to give me relly in-depth criticism, and it's given me a lot to think about. This draft certainly has a lot of spots that need some touch-up, but regardless, I'll be uploading a few more chapters soon.

absolutely! I look forward to reading the other chapters and if you'd like I can review those as well :)

User avatar
foxmaster
Review

Hello! I'm here to leave a review.
Right when you read the description this chapter sounds really compelling, and I figured it would be really interesting. I really enjoyed this but I found a few typos.
"...last few days have you onlybeen eating..."
space between only and been
"I’m sureyou’ll be"
space between sure and you'll.
"The Archer wears a lot of camouflage."
change that to:
"the Archer wore a lot of camouflage."
However, that's all that I noticed.
I like the beginning how you're like, Tim was lucky he wasn't dead and then you go to, the weather was good and the forest smells nice.

Alec definitely seems like a mysterious character, and you should probably elaborate on the time that Tim got cursed and such.
But that's all! I can't wait to continue this! Also, if you could review my book "Wetfire" or "Stolen Magic and Potions" that'd be great! Keep up the good work
-Foxmaster

Thanks for taking the time to leave a review. I just took a look at "Wetfire," and it definitely looks interesting.

thanks I can't wait to continue this



If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket