Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The attack came out of nowhere. It left them on the ground, their life blood staining the grass, their bodies ruining the scenic view, the only survivor wondering if it had really just happened.

No sound, no warning. Just a flash on metal, a blur of black and a whine of high speed. A brief moment of destruction, then they were gone as quick as they had come.

t took an hour for the survivor to come to his senses from the blow that had knocked him to the floor. If not for his quick wit and agility, he would be dead. It took another for him to move.

In the coming dusk, he would eventually move from his spot, not bothering to check for other survivors, half delirious and calling for help. He would crawl to the forest, find a cave and fall asleep under shelter. When he woke, he would call for help until he had no voice and didn't know if he was asleep or awake, dead or alive.

The next time he succumbed to sleep, he wouldn't wake up.

It would be three days before the ambush would be discovered, the bodies found. A whole score until important news would reach the empire; news that would shake the very foundations of the empire, that would spark a whole chain of events that would send ripples through both this empire and the next.

The sparks of revolution.

Hello!

Well, this is short. ^_^ You have an awful lot of drama happening, and I'm not sure if it's bordering on the melodramatic. You have to be careful when writing drama in making sure it doesn't go OTT. It's a fine line, my young Padawan. With dramatic happenings, it's also very important that the tone fits and stays consistent, otherwise your readers aren't going to know what to feel. Readers sometimes need guiding, and sometimes they need to stand on their own; it's getting to know when that takes practice.

Imma go through your first paragraph and give you an idea of what I mean. "The attack came out of nowhere"--that's okay, dramatic, but too much. "It left them on the ground"--who's them? "Their life blood staining the grass"--why life's blood? Blood is blood is blood, and just saying so will do fine. Dressing it up like this is OTT. "Their bodies ruining the scenic view"--scenic view sounds like something from an estate agent's catalogue, and doesn't fit with the rest of the tone you have here. Same with "wondering if it had really happened"; "wondering" sounds very relaxed, but you're writing about death, so relaxed isn't what you should be aiming for.


Overall, I guess I'm intrigued by this prologue. I want to know what happens next, and about the revolution and all. I'm not so fussed about all the talk of empires, because that usually tends to get very dramatic and boring, and I don't like empires that much, outside of Star Wars. Talking about "shaking the foundations of this empire and the next" is too OTT; it feels like you're trying too hard to make this important. Sometimes understatement is best because it makes us feel things on a more personal level. Who really connects to a whole empire? Take Star Wars again. No one really cares about the whole empire, they're more interested in Luke's personal journey. With Darth Vader's big reveal, no one really thinks, "Tcha, this will have such repercussions for the empire", they think, "Jeezum Crow, that's so awful for Luke!"

What also seems a bit strange is the amount of detail devoted to this party of ambushed people. They all die. Even the survivor, who I thought might be the main character, snuffs it, and that's it with the people and then we're onto politics and the empire and revolution. I guess I miss that survivor, because I was interested in him--he's the only one left of a horrific assault, all his friends and comrades are dead, and now there's revolution brewing. Why not stick with this survivor? I'm already interested in him, and it's a shame he pops his clogs.

Anyway, I hope this was vaguely helpful. PM or Wall me if you have any questions, or if I wasn't clear on anything!

See you around, and keep writing!

-twit