At night I sometimes dream,
Occasionally it's like being hit in the head with a stone.
When I dream, it's not always great,
Because my dreams I cannot always condone.
Last night in particular,
Was the worst dream of them all.
I was holding hands with the love of my life,
On a bench outside, in the Fall.
He leaned over to kiss me and whisper
"I love you," in my ear.
But before he could tell me so,
Rolling right down my cheek came a tear.
Whether it was a tear of happiness,
I still am not sure.
All I know is that he left me,
He left me sitting in a blur.
I still don't know why I cried that night,
In that dream that came from above.
The only thing I can recall,
Is that I lost the man I loved.
That's why I am refusing,
To go to sleep tonight.
I cannot go through that again,
Though I've tried with all my might.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I kinda like it. I admit it needs work, but I do like the overall theme and idea. I do agree with crocks though, that first stanza needs to be broken up.
In my opinion some people are rhymers, and some people are not. I think you are one of the 'not's. That's not a bad thing, it just means you are probably a lot better at poems that don't have a rhyme scheme. I imagine without rhyming you could put your ideas on paper a lot better without them being restricted.
Let me know if you ever rewrite this, I would like to see how it turns out.
<Yoshi>
This was.... okay. I can't say it's great, and I can't say it's terrible. It's just... okay. Not really original in the subject, and definitely no original in the telling. The biggest problem I had with it, I think, is that there's no rhythm to the poem, and the rhyming is forced. The sleep metaphor has promise, and honestly, the only part I liked was the first two lines in your last stanza:
If you can expand on this idea, you could have a much better piece than you have now.
I'm not saying "scrap the whole this, it's a worthless piece of crap." I'm saying it needs work, and it was a good first effort, but it can always use improvement.
Keep writing,
kf
Thanks so much! I'll fix that right now!
Hey, gsppcrocks10 here as requested.
At night I sometimes dream,But other times I don't.When I dream, it's not always great,Because my dreams I cannot always condone.Last night in particular, Was the worst dream of them all.I was holding hands with the love of my life,On a bench outside, in the Fall.He leaned over to kiss me and whisper"I love you," in my ear.But before he could tell me so,Rolling right down my cheek came a tear.Whether it was a tear of happiness, I still am not sure.All I know is that he left me, He left me sitting in a blur.I still don't know why I cried that night,In that dream that came from above.The only thing I can recall,Is that I lost the man I loved.
Woah. Split this up. It's kinda overwhelming in one big peice. I'll critique each part now.
At night I sometimes dream,But other times I don't.When I dream, it's not always great,Because my dreams I cannot always condone.
Nothing rhymes here. I know poems don't have to rhyme, but the rest of your poem does, so see if you can edit this to rhyme. It'd fit much better.
Last night in particular, Was the worst dream of them all.I was holding hands with the love of my life,On a bench outside, in the Fall.
Nothing to say here other than I like this bit.
He leaned over to kiss me and whisper"I love you," in my ear.But before he could tell me so,Rolling right down my cheek came a tear.
Nothing to say here either!
Whether it was a tear of happiness, I still am not sure.All I know is that he left me, He left me sitting in a blur.
I love the 'left me sitting in a blur'. But I couldn't find anything wrong with it.
I still don't know why I cried that night,In that dream that came from above.The only thing I can recall,Is that I lost the man I loved.
Same thing as the last parts; nothing bad here.
That's why I am refusing,To go to sleep tonight.I cannot go through that again, Though I've tried with all my might.
And can you guess what I'm going to say? No? I haven't got anything to say.
I like this a lot. Split it up and rhyme the first part and it'll be amazing.
I've never critiqued a poem before, so I may have given you the wrong advice, but I tried.