Published January 8, 2009
His eyes are pulling me into his arms
They are drowning me in their beautiful sea of blue
His eyes are so misunderstanding
He doesn't even know I exist cause he's too busy loving you.
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This was really rather too short, I think. I mean it works well in some poetry but to me it left a lot of things hanging. Like the emotions aren't clearly painted in the poem. I agree with Galerius on the cliche thing as well. Also I think you wrote the last line to rhyme with the second but it was a tad too long to have appropriate rhythm.
Also, third line. Misunderstanding? I think you can do better than that. Describe how misunderstanding looks like or feels like to you perhaps? It will make the poem more vivid.
Anyway, I believe this is a good piece of poetry. It just needs more work. Keep writing.
Despite what some people think, though the sentiments were a bit cliche, they really worked in this. They expressed the emotions in a way that the reader could comprehend quickly, which is important since the poem is so short. I like the twist at the end. I would like it if you expanded this, so that we get more of the story behind the narrator, like how exactly they feel at different points and why the mysterious boy doesn't know how they feel.
Thanks for the advice, guys. I'll try to do that in the future.
That is great that you posted it, but i think that you should add on some more!
I think that you did lovely in this poem, and it really made me think, but i also think that it would be more effective if you added on. this almost seems happy because of the way you put it together. I think that it could use a little work, and i would really love to see more about this!
Please add on!!!!
Thanks!
I really like it because its short and precise.
It actually touched me and made me feel emotions that I was tricking myself to not believe in.
It opened my eyes witch made me upset because now i no the truth...weather or not I like it.
Thanks for opening my eyes!
-lulu_dais_101
Thanks for the tips, Galerius. I'll try not to write such things on the spot anymore.
Pulling one into the arms of another has been an action expressed with far too much in poetry and stories. The same holds true here.
No. Never compare someone's eyes to an ocean or a sea; it may have been aesthetically pleasing the first time it was done...or even the thousandth. Now, however, it's gotten to the point where it's one of those "unforgivable" cliches that writers must swear to avoid, unless you have some remarkable twist to add to it or have a meaning that lies within the cliche in the first place.
Interesting surprise conclusion, but the first and second lines were so boring that any weight this could have had is gone.
In general, this was not a good poem in any terms, but I have a feeling that it was just an "on-the-spot" thing, which in case the rules relax a little and there's nothing terrible about it, per se.
Hope that helped.