Broken Apart

Hey guys, thanks again. I'll fix that in the future.

Hey there,

This is a good start. You indeed have treated such an overused subject well. What you now need to do is refine your expression: you need to show the reader your ideas instead of telling them. Try not to restrain and "sum up" your feelings; allow us to go deeper and indulge in them. So instead of:

"...The tone was so much sweeter (avoid using was + adjective)
You cared a whole lot more..."

You could write:

"I used to savour the voice
that caressed me like soft silk."

It's a very crude example, but you get the idea. The idea is to pull the reader into the image you're describing (and 'image' is the key word) and not make them lightly skim over your words, not really taking in anything. The more you show, the more powerful your writing will be!

Hope this helps.

Gahks



6/10

Hey emmyc. C'est moi.

My favourite things about ta poem. I don't know why I'm writing in french. I'll stop. Oui? Oui.

I like the ending of the second verse, and I like how the poem takes the reader through the journey. And also, alot of things that the narrator notices about the changes in this boy are very unusual and observant; e.g a change in his voice. I thought that was especially clever. Like, the narrator has noticed these tiny things because she's been pushed out of the relationship and can only watch, and so observes more. Also, even though this poem has been done so many times before, it is a very relatable topic.

So, moving on to the bits that will make you want to attack me. Don't hate me for this. I won't be harsh, promise.

Your face of an angel
Is right there when I need it
I think you know how I feel
But I won't tell you yet

Our friendship is ending slowly
It just isn't the same
You've gotten so caught up in her
That you forgot my name

Thanks for all your help. Kissthewitch, the whole pedophile thing is so not true, she's just
really short and skinny, so you get the idea.

[quote="emmyc101"]Your face of an angel

You cared a whole lot more
The way you two are now
Is the way we were before

Our friendship is ending slowly
It just isn't the same
You've gotten so caught up in her
That you forgot my name

I could almost think this was written by my one friend, this just shows the universality that you've achieved which is commendable in its own way!

kissthewitch covered pretty much all of what I have to say. But I also really do like this poem and I think it is heartfelt. Some of the parts don't seem to flow but the others seem awesome.

The tone was so much sweeter

You cared a whole lot more

The way you two are now

Is the way we were before

I like this...it's a fairly overused subject, which some YWSers will crucify you for, but I think you've written about it well, so kudos. I do have a few suggestions:

Your face of an angel Try 'angel face' instead. That way you'll be showing the reader what his face looks like, instead of just telling.

Is right there when I need it

I think you know how I feel

But I won't tell you yet



Everyone knows that we're best friends

But when she came around

That look in your eye was different

So was your voice, but not just the sound Reading these this line and the one before it, they don't mesh well. This could easily be fixed by inserting an 'and' before 'so was your voice...'. Or something. Be creative!

The tone was so much sweeter

You cared a whole lot more

The way you two are now

Is the way we were before I really like these last four lines.



Our friendship is ending slowly

It just isn't the same

You've gotten so caught up in her

That you forgot my name
Careful with your tenses here! Either, 'You've gotten so caught up in her/that you've forgotten my name' or 'You were so caught up in her/that you forgot my name.' Personally, I think the second one reads better, but the important is to be consistent, as they can be tricky.


I have never hugged you Why not? if they're best friends...just a thought

She does every day

That little girl is living my life Little? That kinda makes me think of pedophilia...even though I know (I hope) you don't mean it that way. Try and think of a more fitting adjective.

Perfect in every way