As Annabella Prescott awoke on a bright, sunny day in mid-July. she smiled a great big smile, not just her normal weak minded smile.today, for the first time this summer she was overly happy , and rightly so.this day she has been looking forward to for the last four years. she got up from her warm, genial bed. she could up for joy. he annoying brothers were asleep.she went down stairs to see her grandfather. this my friends is the begging of the love, life and death that will happen over the next 7 years. she might think that today will be the best, but she will soon regret it....
i walked down the bottom of the stairs to see my grandfather, reading the paper. all you could smell is the sea air and dew sprayed grass filled my lungs... this is the smell of Boston. I've lived here all my life. right on the bay with my grandfather and grandma , and my 5 brothers. i walked down the wall to my grandfather's favorite chair. he didn't look up,or even say how did you sleep? or how are you today? His was turning hoary, it was once jet-black. but what was the same was her blue German eyes. During world war 2 his mother and him came here. so, what mom says hes a proud German.he had a pot bully, but he was tall. i kept looking at him, then he looked up. His laugh lines now lined his smile. "what are you looking at , Anna?" i started to to think.....
this is 1?6 part of chapter 1 of acceber. i need to know is it good or not so good? thanks bye
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...this is a bit of a confusing start here to this first bit here, we've got some slightly odd sounding description here to start with. For the most part, we've got a relativley clean picture of someone that's woken up in a happy mood that's a bit unusual for them, but the whole "weak minded" smile description really throws things off a bit, and then to cap the whole thing off, we've got the narrator just stepping in out of nowhere and giving this omionous declaration, which I usually have no problem but here, it looks like a sudden change of POV and that's a barring especially in the very first paragraph like it is here.
Okay, so once again, the start is fine here, we've got her just going down to meet her grandfather, and just a brief description of where he is...buut we then go into a quite a bit of a tangent there and I honesly have some trouble deciphering what exactly all of that is trying to convey. Things don't seem to fully connect to each other there, it appears to be in need of a bit of a rewrite.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi! Welcome to the wonderful world of the Young Writers Society! I hope you are enjoying your time on the site so far.
)
I haven't been on in quite a while, so I will try my best to give you a good review. (I also just want to say I love your username. While the spelling isn't the same, "coolio" is one of my favorite words.
So, there are a few things that I must nitpick.
Firstly, most of your sentences begin with lower cases.
Try to make sure that you are capitalizing the words that begin your sentences, as shown above.
While this is a good beginning, there are a few grammar problems located in these sentences. You beging the sentence very nicely, but starting after "mid-July" there are a few items that need to fixed. The period directly after the word I mentioned should be eliminated and replaced with a comma. Next, you've mentioned the word smile three times in this sentence. Repetition is good at some points, but at this particular moment I think it would be better if you perhaps mentioned it only once. Maybe mention her flashing "a smile brighter than the ones she usually wore."
The quote above is a good sentence, simple and to the point. However, "up for joy"? I'm assuming the word is "jump", but always make sure that you are placing the correct words in your sentences. I do this a lot myself and I find myself going back through my stories asking myself what word I meant instead.
The second paragraph leads to a bit of confusion as it suddenly shifts into first-person. Make sure that you are keeping the point-of-view continuous throughout your story. It allows the work to flow nicely. When the POV suddenly changes like here, it causes a bit of chaos.
So, overall, you're doing nicely and I think this is a very cute piece. It just needs a little bit of tweaking in regards to grammar and sentence structure. Make sure to fix the beginning of your sentences and focus just on one point-of-view. Both work well so far in the story, but you will have to choose just one to use.
I didn't really comment on this in my review, but perhaps work a little on your use of description as well. You "tell" a lot, but I think it would go a lot farther if you "show" us a bit more. A good article on this is by CastlesintheSky called "Show and Tell". I'll give you the link, just in case you want to take a look.
I'm excited to see what has got Annabella so overjoyed. If she's waited for four years, I am sure it is quite amazing! I will definitely have to check back and see what is in store for her. I wish you good luck on everything in the meantime! I hope my critique wasn't too harsh, but I want to make sure that I am helping you the best I can. Keep writing!
Smiles!
~Mira