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Fictional Dilemma

by cookiesandcream123


Inspired by my experience with past fictional crushes! Though, this is from two weeks ago, so my feelings have changed since then. It's more complicated now. ;-;

 Feedback appreciated, along with any confirmation that I'm not totally insane :'D

~~~~~

I return home,

A pile of unwashed dishes stacked neatly in the sink.

I pay it no heed

Hurrying to my TV screen

And sitting down on the carpet

To watch.

The character on the screen

He’s been with me through these past months

I met him a year ago

And now he’s back in

My life, my mind.

I smile when I think of him

Dozens of screenshots saved on my phone

He’s my secret friend- no, more like a crush

I can’t explain it

But he occupies my head day and night,

And brings me laughter and joy.

So why, I think,

Does his design look a bit different today?

His hair usually looks better…

So why, I think,

Does he exhibit a trait I never noticed before?

I know he’s evil, but isn’t this bullying just downright cowardly?!


Is he…

A bit more pathetic than I thought?

A bit less majestic than I thought?

Or even slightly different from what I thought?

One of my feet slips off

The cliff of expectations

I feel astonished, confused –

My love falters slightly, though I hate that it does

Now for a moment, looking at him brings me less blushes and joys,

and more uncertainty.

What happened?

What’s this disappointment weighing me down?

Blurring my vision, marring my rosy view?

I stay still, doubts racing around my head,

Refusing to leave.

It’s not a big deal, I tell myself,

It’s still him. The person I know.

Yet sadness ropes around my heart and tears frost my eyes

Do I like him less already? Is my love that simple-minded?

I’m caught by confusion

I guess I never really knew him.

But why do I care so much?

It shouldn’t be a surprise.

At the end of the day, this proves

I was only in love with the idea of him, and not him

It’s clear I’ve put his image on a pedestal, like most with celebrity crushes.

But admitting this

Only makes me wonder more.

Now that I think about it, I’m being silly.

I’ve fallen for a puppet,

A marionette under some author’s control

No wonder I don’t truly know him

I never could. Only the author does.

I’ve been a fool

I’ve been all alone, in front of a TV,

Harboring a one-sided fantasy

Of a character who’s not even mine,

Of a character whose creator doesn’t even know me

These joys, blushes, up-and-downs

Are meaningless delusions.

I’ve been all alone.

I honestly should’ve known,

since I’d never actually

have friends

nor lovers

around.

Is this “love” diminishing?

Is this excitement wilting?

The apartment lies cold, desolate

The clutter of dishes

Returns to my thoughts.

I don’t like doubting you

So please, can we go back?

Can you not

Betray my expectations this time?

A dumb analogy, but it’s like

Having a best friend,

sharing a secret with them,

thinking it’s just between you

Until they betray it;

Clearly they’re not the person you thought they were

And you never knew them.

So you’re filled with doubts,

Until you realize

the friend never actually existed

and was just part of your imagination.

Though it’s probably not half as painful as it sounds

Because it was only a fictional crush after all.

Yet I still cry a little, listless

as the clock moves on

Until it reads

1:30…2:00 AM

Maybe I’m just going bonkers

From lack of sleep?

Or maybe I just need

To go out and touch grass?

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The day after the next

I wake up, trying not to think

But as I scroll on social media

I glimpse traces of him

“He was cool this episode”

“Someone made a remix of his theme”

Comments, tempting me.

A beat of hesitation,

Then I click on the video

To test how I feel.

I’ll admit…

It’s a good remix

(My opinion improves slightly)

The picture of him is beautiful

(I’m reacting the same way I used to)

 His voice actor is skilled

(His words drip with honey-sweet charisma)

Finally, a small smile

Stretches my lips.

It almost feels like

making up after an argument with a lover.

Here we go again. I grumble, Ugh.

-----------------------------------

Sometimes I despise you,

But you make my days a little more colorful.

So stay with me until this love ends.

Stay with me until this excitement fades.

And please

don’t leave

so soon.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



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18 Reviews

Points: 395
Reviews: 18

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Wed May 31, 2023 7:08 pm
SkyJayde says...



Heyo. I'm going to review your piece.

Before I begin:
This is a piece of art. It's filled with emotions and it flows together easily. Guiding the reader along as they poem. As I'm not a typical poetry reader I couldn't help but noticed that this was beautiful and full of tears and happiness.

Now let's begin:
I honestly have no words. Nothing has jumped out saying it needs to be re-written or fixed. The punctuation is great. The words are in all the right places. This poem is dripping with a sweet savory taste of love and despair.

Overall, great poem! Keep up the great work!
☁️SkyJayde☁️




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Fri May 05, 2023 7:21 pm
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LemonySquid says...



this is incredible. I want to have words but I don't this is honestly one of the coolest things I've read. it captures that letdown feeling so utterly well. it's so immersive and I don't have fictional crushes but now I feel like I have




cookiesandcream123 says...


Thanks Lemon, that means a lot to me! When I first wrote this I thought it was just a confusing ramble. I'm glad it was actually able to convey the emotions somewhat!



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Thu May 04, 2023 10:08 pm
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Kaia wrote a review...



Hi, cookiesandcream123!

I have been enjoying the little comments you put on my book, I Knew. I thought it was about time to return the favor and spin over to something you wrote and give you my thoughts. So, here goes. :)

This was addictive. Honestly. Reading this was amazing! Now, I can't say I'm the type of person who "falls" for something like a movie star or anything as I'm picturing that was the kind of thing you were writing about, but I'll be honest; I do think there are some people that look exceptional, and they're interesting. For a while it really DOES feel like you have a crush, as you described here so well. For me, usually those snippets of like turn into characters which I switch up a bit and call it my own. I won't say WHO, but there is a guy...who looks...just like Zybryn except without the purple streak in his hair. Purple's my favorite color...so yeah...Overall, I believe it's just a thing. And I deal with it by coming up with characters I'm totally in love with. And it's such a safe relationship. You'll never get hurt. Not unless you want to be. A friend and I call it "character crushes."

Anyway, that was a long rant which was sort of supposed to be an answer to your question of whether or not you were going insane when you wrote that or went through that phase. Well, my friend, either you and I are both insane, or (as is more likely) this happens to people more often then they are willing to admit.

All right, that aside. Let's get into the REVIEW part. I loved how you were able to cut quickly to the emotion. You used very precise and perfectly chosen words, here. Take for instance this part:

"Yet sadness ropes around my heart and tears frost my eyes"

It puts in my head the image of a heart all bound up in ropes. Sad...the exact word you're trying to get at. And "tears frost my eyes"...that's so unique! I love the way you phrased that!

"These joys, blushes, up-and-downs

Are meaningless delusions."

This part is also cleverly done. Obviously, you've got a firm grip on word choice here. Or shall I call it "diction"? I feel that sophisticated words come naturally to you (or else, you've got your nose in a thesaurus the ENTIRE time you're writing to get at such perfect phrasing)

The way you split this poem up into sections with the spacing adds intensity and interest. I like that a lot. It really separates the really crucial parts from the less important parts. Not to say that any of it was that unimportant.

Overall, fantastic job! Will likely be returning to give you some more reviews. :)
-Kaia
P.S. I love your profile pic. I'm a dog lover.💜




cookiesandcream123 says...


Hi Kaia!

Aww, tysm! And yes, that's kind of true... the crush I had was an anime character actually XDD ._. *ready to crawl back into a corner to hide*

Woah. I can kind of relate to that! Sometimes I also make new chars inspired by chars that I like (or vice versa, when they remind me of my chars)... then that makes me pay closer attention to them, and then sometimes that leads me to fall in love. :') Sadly Ive never had a crush on my own chars, but you're right, it sounds like that'd make a safer relationship. I'm pleasantly surprised that so many other ppl are feeling similar things! Also, now I'm curious who the Zybryn lookalike is o_O

Anyways, thxs for leaving a review and sharing your thoughts; I really appreciate it! And your fox pfp is cool as well. :D



Kaia says...


Heyo!

You're very welcome. :) I love how you say *ready to crawl back into a corner to hide* Totally my feeling when I talk about the references I use for when I try to draw my characters. ;)

I know I'm EXTREMELY lucky when it comes to that. Just thinking about my characters can put me on this sort of high. And then, I do get dreams about them...most of the time the dreams don't end particularly well as my characters are frequently doing things they shouldn't be doing, and I'm the only who can/will stop them. In short, the dreams get stressful.

Anyway, that was a rant. I know many girls who have had or have crushes similar to the one you described. I think it's normal. ;)

Oh, and about the Zybryn lookalike...only one in every 30 pics looks like Zybryn, so it might not even help if I revealed him, anyway. ;)

Thanks!

Have a great weekend!
Kaia



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Tue May 02, 2023 11:27 pm
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AllyHowell wrote a review...



This is almost too immersive! It makes me feel personally betrayed when I read the letdowns from the comfort character in this poem... it's scary how accurate it feels. I find it really impressive how you're able to describe these feelings in such detail, yet leave it so open that anyone can apply their character to this poem. I tend to feel this way not only about other characters but sometimes about my own. When a character you made does something you don't really like or agree with, but you know it's what's best for the story, it's really heartbreaking! I'm going to save this poem because it's just such a beautiful and perfect depiction of how it feels to obsess over a fictional character. Thank you so much for sharing this!




cookiesandcream123 says...


Yay, tysm!! I'm glad that it made sense and was somewhat relatable. (Though, I wish the letdowns I felt from that char was just 'cause he bullied or had a bad hair day... it was unfortunately worse lolol ;-;.)

I don't think I've felt that way as much with my own chars, but it's still understandable! It's interesting how much fictional stuff can still affect us XD. Thxs again for the review and kind words!



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Tue May 02, 2023 6:18 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! I'm so glad I found this in the Green Room. If no one has told you this before, allow me the privilege of announcing to you that there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with having fictional crushes! (I have them!) I have, in fact, blazed the somewhat vulnerable and mortifying trail of confessing this to different professional therapists and receiving feedback from all of them that, guess what? It's normal and even healthy to feel this deep affection for fictional characters, and may even be an indicator that we who love them have a higher level of imagination and a unique opportunity to foster empathy that our criticizing peers may not have.

Now, having said all that, let me actually get to the poem here. Lol :)
I think the fact that it's unrhymed and not rigidly structured makes it feel more authentic. It gives the idea that the narrator is simply spilling their thoughts out as they come, messy and real. I think the way you give an inside glimpse into the fluctuation of feelings is also very realistic and true to humanity, as we are emotional beings whose feelings can vary from one time to another. As I have heard (also from a therapist), it's a common experience to feel less enamored with our interests and passions during some periods of time than we do at others. What you've written is pretty relatable.

You kind of went off on a bunny trail with relating the fictional crush experience with being betrayed by a real friend. While you made it fairly clear how you were tying the two topics together, I personally think it kind of diverts unnecessarily from the point you're getting at - that being centered around fictional crushes and not so much real life friendships. Since it's already quite a long poem, I'd consider perhaps altering it to take this part out. However, don't throw it away; the part about friend betrayal is also very relatable to many of us, so maybe you could incorporate it into another poem where it fits more distinctly with the theme. But at the end of the day, what you write is your own work, so you can do whatever you want with it, and if you like it best how it is, then there's really no need to change it.

I could work so many other bunny trails into this review (lol), but I'm going to leave some final notes. Firstly, I think this is overall a good piece. It flows pretty nicely and is easy to read. Thanks for sharing it. Additionally, I would highly recommend getting on Tumblr (if you're not already), where you will find many other people with whom you can exchange all the wonders of your blorbos, poor little meow meows, etc. I have found it's quite good for fandoms.

Well, that's all for this review. Thanks again for sharing, and keep up the good work!




cookiesandcream123 says...


Ahh, ty for confirming that I am not crazy! And yess, what you said about passions going up-and-down is also very true T_T

You're right about that part, I did go off-track. My thinking process at 2 AM lol... Ty for pointing that out! You really went above and beyond with the advice (and not just about the writing) in this review! :D




“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly