Published July 12, 2011
The stars are beaming and I am
dreaming, the good and the bad
the loves I had the loves I want
I wish I wasn't dreaming, I love
the stars beaming on me.
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140,808 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
okay Emily, here as requested
I agree with VuzzyCat... it needs to be longer.
The stars are beaming
and I am dreaming,
the good and the bad
the loves I had,
the loves I want
I wish I wasn't dreaming,
I love the stars beaming
on me.
Personally the way your poem is I would split it up into smaller stanzas like this, so you can see your rhyme scheme easier(which by the way, needs to be fixed) You started good, "beaming" and "dreaming", "bad" and "had", but then.. "want" didn't have a rhyme, then you rhymed "dreaming" and "beaming" again, then ended with "me", try to stick to a rhyme scheme if you start one.
The line "I love the stars beaming on me" is a bit awkward and disrupts the flow you have started.
overall, good-job, add more.
-Bettinger
Thanks and your right. OOPS! And I will definitely keep writing:)
That was good! I was hoping it was longer! The only part that I felt was out of place were the last two lines. One says you wish you weren't dreaming, and the next says you love the stars beaming on you. Unless you wanted it that way, my suggestion would be to add one more transition line, because it doesn't really make sence why you wish you weren't dreaming. But that is just me and I could be wrong. Otherwise, it sounded really good! Keep writing!