Published January 18, 2005
I'd like to know if this sounds even a little bit interesting and any other comments are welcome. and as a note it is intended to become a short story not a novel...
I was about four years old when I met Elijah. I remember thinking he was weird for two reasons; he was a boy and he kissed me. Never said a word to me before he did it. Just came up and kissed me. It was the oddest thing especially because most boys though girls had cooties at the time. For the next couple of years he pretended it was the biggest mistake of his life and in retrospect maybe it was but regardless we became friends. I’m attracted to weird people, what can I say. After several years, though life got in the way and I hardly talked to him anymore.
Until Camp Rocky Borders (I don’t get the name either). I had never been to camp before and certainly wasn’t itching to go but I soon found myself in a small room of a rather big cabin with a bunk bed. Luckily the place had a normal bathroom. In fact, the cabin was very much like a normal home without a kitchen. I can’t tell you how much a of relief it was to find out I wasn’t really going to be roughing it. I don’t’ know how I had been fortunate enough to get only one roommate when other girls had up to eleven but I guess maybe it was fate.
So there I was sixteen spending the first substantial amount of time away from home worried as all hell when in walks a quiet girl with purple hair wearing a tiny skirt and combat boots. She wasn’t the camping type either I figured.
“I guess the top bunk’s mine.” she said looking at my open suitcase on the bottom.
“I guess so.”
She didn’t say anything else and so as soon as I had unpacked I took my small messenger bag filled with a notebook, sketch book and pencils and headed out to explore. I walked about ten steps away from my cabin before I bumped right into Elijah. And so it began. The absolute worst most wonderful confusing summer of my whole life.
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140,921 Literary Works • 673,737 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...well that was quite the start. A bit of rushed almost backstory being tossed out there and its sort of teetering on the edge of being a little too much information. For the moment its not enough that it gets a bit boring for the reader since this is some pretty intriguing information, but I would still try and cut that down a bit. On the other hand, it does get our attention fairly well.
OKay that was kind of a very random transition. Its very jarring to the reader and I would suggest you maybe smooth that over a bit or clearly indicate a proper scene change. Otherwise, its a decent introductory scene, this time I think you went into just about enough detail and its balanced pretty well with the introduction of this character too. Let's see how this ends.
Well that's a decent enough ending there. There's a good enough sense of something more to come and that works out just fine. I think you've hinted at what sort of strange things might happen well enough to get people curious to know more. Overall, besides a couple of those problems, this is a pretty solid piece.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
SPEW? What's that?
Any ways. This is really short - nothing to critique - but it does seem interesting. You should definitely continue this, and PM me when you do so I can give you a proper crit!
Cheers,
Camille
Um...it's hard to say. Apart from the few small typo's here and there, it seems like you have the beginnings to a well developed character, then again, there are a few problems with this.
Why is she one of two people to get one of the fancy cabins? I think, personally, I would prefer it if she were in a regular cabin, that tends to introduce more characters with a wider range of differences. Plus, you can put the girl with a purple skirt in there too, and the same things (more or less) can happen. You have more to work with when there are more characters, and it makes readers happier too because they get to judge the people as well and it gives them a sense of power over this tiny world.
Other than that I thought it was a good start, a little short to be a completely accurate account, but still, not bad. Good luck with the rest of the short story.
-Arion
This was cute.
It had a few typos, though.
It would be great if you continued it, but I don't think you've been on YWS for a while...
I have to say I liked this. Kinda short, so I don't have any critique, but I would like to read more. Sounds like my life.
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*shaming the name of SPEW, sorry