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That Look

by convintojm

I struggled equally to follow
the directions I printed from the web
and not to let you know that we’re lost
as you sit consenting in a makeshift blindfold
made from my summer scarf
waiting for your surprise,
even though it’s not really about the surprise
and it’s all for my selfish ends.

You carry on conversation
with no inquires to our destination
which is unlike you but
I think you know where we’re going
and I’m hoping that won’t spoil my plan.
I finally find the place and you ruin the surprise
when you roll down your window because
I can see the shore, it’s not far off, and I know
the ocean’s scent is riding the quiet breeze.
Luckily I catch the smile as you inhale.

When we reach the sand I let the cloth slip away
and after another deep breath of salty air
you tell me you knew all along
and I nod in acknowledgment
not telling you that it was all about
seeing fresh pleasure on your face
as the wind ruffles your hair
so I can try fervently to recreate it one day in oils
because I’m addicted to you
and mediums you insist I can get the hang of.

it could use a better title and some suggestions. this sort of poem is new to me. i never write such long things so i'm sure it could use help.

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57 Reviews

Points: 1325
Reviews: 57

Sun Mar 27, 2011 8:21 pm
rayhutch5 wrote a review...

I definitely agree with the other reviewers. They pointed out multiple things that I would have brought up myself. I did feel that it lacked a bit emotion. Since this is poetry, I expect a ton of emotion. This could easily be brought out if you widened your vocabulary and found some really powerful words to replace the ones you have now. I do like the idea of this; it's very sweet and I enjoyed reading it. I hope you post more! :)


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563 Reviews

Points: 13816
Reviews: 563

Wed Mar 02, 2005 10:46 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...

Well, it was certainly interesting, but I have to agree with the others. It just didn't have a feeling. It didn't make you think or feel something. It was just... a story. I think this could be good if you used more powerful verbs and really went into describing it more accurately, but it just doesn't stick with you or touch you. It wasn't exactly bad though It is a good start

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1258 Reviews

Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Mon Feb 28, 2005 3:42 am
Sam wrote a review...

It's OK for a first try, but it's definitely not one of your best pieces. For one, it kinda dragged on and on, seemingly going nowhere. For two, it was way confusing. You lost me after the first few lines...that's OK though. Note the age lol. On the other hand, you had a pretty good beginning and end group of lines. Nice.

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665 Reviews

Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Wed Jan 19, 2005 5:43 am
Chevy says...

this poem seemed to be more like a story instead of a poem. i think it would have made a much better story than poem...

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78 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 78

Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:47 am
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Soyala Amaya wrote a review...

It's...a story. Stated in blatant feelings without leaving anything to the readers soul to imagine. Don't tell me, blindfold me like you did that girl, and let me smile as I'm sure I know where I'm going, then take the blindfold down, and surprise me. In that final instant, say something that makes me understand without saying it. Use your poem to lay my hand over your heart and let me count the beats. Don't make me hear, let me listen.

I know that sounds ambiguos, but please, try to understand. Instead of saying that she's blindfolded with your summer scarf, speak about the line of color over her eyes, folded to her skin, blinding her sight to the destination, but not her heart. Don't tell me she ruined the surprise, instead, speak of how she stole the breath of mystery from the air as she filled it with the scent of salt and sea weed.

As I said before in another critique, I want to feel a poem. I want to breath a poem. Taste, see, know a poem. I don't want a tale, I just want to hear a poem.

People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage