Do you ever feel like you're walking in circles? Or maybe you feel like a hamster running on a wheel, running but getting nowhere? Or maybe you feel like your life's a ladder: you get up high, fall, climb, fall, climb, fall, repeat.
If you feel any of those things about your life in general, yeah, me too. Sometimes I feel like everyone that's walking on Earth is in a deep pit of tar. Some try to rip themselves out of it but end up hurting themselves more instead. Some try to stay in the tar and blind themselves with forms of pleasure to forget about the tar, but they know deep down they're still in it, sinking deep down into the seemingly endless tar. Some try to mask the tar with a smile. That doesn't work either.
The truth is, that tar exists, and it has a hold on most of humanity. The tar doesn't look like tar either. The tar looks good. The tar's inviting. It doesn't force. The tar doesn't beg. It invites. It entices.
I say this with a passionate heart: the tar isn't tar at all. The tar is Satan. Whether you like it or not, the tar is Satan. You can't escape the tar. You can't ignore the tar. The tar wants to see you crumble in pieces. Nobody can escape the tar; everyone's going to be stuck in it for eternity.
But one never fell into it: JESUS. God can pull you out of the tar. The tar wants to see you rot; God wants to see you smile. The choice is obvious. God wants to rip you out of the tar, but you have to let Him. That's something I struggle with.
If you're one of the, like, zero people who read this, thank you. Also, (this is like my first piece of writing ever, I know it sucks, please dont tell me it sucks, if you actually read this thank you, I posted it here because I just didn't have anyone else to show it to.
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139,975 Literary Works • 672,802 Reviews
I'm new at this too, let me just say, that is a great descriptive piece, reading it I can feel the passion and the emotion this has, I can feel your experiences, but they are level headed and it feels like an understanding. Sorry if this isn't what you're looking for but I think it's great and I would love to discuss faith and religion more with you if you'd like - I find this stuff so interesting and a great debate because I find it all opinion based (basically).
Hey there!
The religious stuff isn't really my cup of tea, so I'm going to leave it alone and focus on craft.
Welcome to YWS, and congratulations on writing something and sharing it with people! It's a scary thing to do, and I applaud you for taking that vulnerable first step and putting your work out there in the world.
This is a very engaging opening! The direct address and the question very effectively draw me in and make me think about whether I do feel this way. One thing I will say is that you throw out quite a lot of metaphors in this first paragraph, some of which are quite cliche (I've not seen the ladder one before though)! The tar metaphor is so strong and distinctive - it seems odd to not lead with it, especially when 'walking in circles' is comparatively weaker, in my opinion!
This is such a visceral image!
I like this, too - although you're getting a little repetitive. I think editing out one or two of the instances of 'tar' and using different words for the same concept would help a lot!
This is very short and understated compared with the other two examples! Not a positive or negative, just interesting to me. I feel like masking the tar with a smile is a bit counterintuitive, as tar is a substance that would sit on top of a smile. Maybe something like 'ignore' or 'make up for' would be clearer?
I really like how you slow down the rhythm here - this sequence of short sentences works so well to build momentum. Reading it does feel a bit like slowly sinking. 'It invites. It entices.' feels redundant, though - I'd cut one of them (probably 'it invites' as I like 'entices' more but that's personal preference).
Again, you're repeating yourself - I would consider cutting one of these sentences!
The metaphor is stretching a little bit here, too. Generally, you want your metaphors to sharpen the idea rather than confusing it. This instance is doing the latter, as tar doesn't really make things crumble!
I like how candid you are here! I think the paragraph might flow better if you swap the two sentiments around so 'God wants to rip you out of the tar, but you have to let Him. That's something I struggle with.' comes first. It feels like a more natural build to have struggle followed by certainty rather than the other way around.
I am guilty of doing this too (got rightfully called out for it on here not that long ago lol) but regardless of how you feel about your work, I would encourage you to resist the urge to be self-deprecating about it! It's scary sharing your work with others, and I know it's hard to resist the urge to lower their expectations, but it's worth doing. Telling somebody that you think it's bad can influence how they receive the piece - let the reader decide for themselves whether it's bad or not! I think that while I can tell you're a beginner, there's a lot of potential here.
Keep writing!
Thanks a lot for the review, ill take your constructive criticism as noted
Hi Connor, and welcome to yws! I hope this place treats you as well as it had me :> I tend to review by going chronologically and then leaving some closing remarks.
I like this opening paragraph, but I think this specific simile could be made a bit stronger but saying it's like chutes or snakes, and ladders We don't tend to fall off ladders i hope, but making the allusion to the board game (which involves lock or unlucky roles) would strengthen the idea of ups and downs.
Dont need the comma after "is".
Hmmm. You just spent the previous paragraph showing how people cope with tar and even will cover it up, so it feels antithetical to now explain how attractive and sneaky it is. I would move this to before the previous paragraph and then show the contrast between how it looks before vs after youre stuck in it.
Hey, no need to belittle your own work. It's not good for the soul or the craft. YWS will definitely get you eyeballs on your work as well, because we have a great system with the Green Room.
Also, I think this is pretty well written. It feels perhaps a little informal for the essay type of style you seem to be playing with, but overall your message gets across well and is fairly free of grammatical mistakes or clunky writing. Look forward to seeing you around
#teamtortoise
~Messy
Hey, hello, I read it, mainly cuz I need review points (sorry) but also cuz I think everyone deserves a fair chance to be seen and improved. I'm not sure whether you'd like suggestions to improve your writing or just want someone to share it so I'll do both if you don't mind ^^
I ABSOLUTELY AGREE and it hits so hard for someone like me.Comment:
I could relate to this to some extent. I feel like I'd been too lazy and distracted lately because of my phone. I used to write a lot back then but because of distractions, I haven't been able to and I feel like I'm getting worse. It's so hard to change too, even though I know I should my brain keeps fighting back and I just end up exhausted and lazier.
Review:
Your writing doesn't suck, it just needs improvements. Everyone starts at something at least and I'm glad you shared your first piece with us strangers in the internet, that must've take courage no?
I like how you started with a question, that's one way to "hook" readers and makes them interested in your piece. The illustrations also work cuz you can understand how "being stuck" in a tar feels and that's great for immersing the readers.
But my favourite line is this
So yeah, for a beginner it's a pretty decent work but of course, there will always be room for improvements. I noticed that you said "tar" for like more than 10 times? It's not necessarily bad but it can get annoying so maybe use pronouns or other words instead. You can also cut off words or phrases that you think is unnecessary. Like this:
I'd write it like this (personal opinion)
See what I did? I removed the "to forget about the tar" because the idea of blindness is already clear to the reader. And I changed "endless tar" to "endless pit" because I think it fits more with the context.
Well that's all I want to say, you don't really have to follow my advice, I'm just a beginner mushroom/writer as well but I do hope you consider it! Writing is as fun as ranting after all (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡