Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was actually pretty good in my opinion. Honestly I don't mind this. For a short little horror piece like this you don't need to have a clear setting or backstory. You just have to make sure the stuff happening in the present is exciting and in this story that certainly is the case so I think this is great as it is.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Flattening my body against the wall, I squeeze my eyes shut. Upon opening my eyes I let out my breath. I’v been holding it, without even realizing. The hallway I’m standing in is dark. Too dark, unable to see even my hand, I must trust. “Please God if your there, don’t let him be up here. Don’t let him see me. Please. ” even though I’m thinking the words they sound desperate. Laying my palms flat on the wall, I slowly slid my foot sideways. Where are the stairs? If I go too far everything will be ruined. The stairs, no! There were at least 12 mirrors following the path of the winding staircase I’m trying to find. Why did I even listen to him?
I love that opening right there. Very mysterious and certainly very much catching the attention of potential readers by throwing us right into the middle of a bit of action. Great choice of opening lines.
“Nicky, darling, where are you? I can’t find you. Are you hiding from me?” His voice reverberates off the walls. Coming from no particular direction it’s everywhere.
*creep factor increases*
”AH! There you are. Come back!” Laced with hatred a voice I’v never heard rings out. A hand snatches the end of my hair; twisting its fingers, around and around, pulling me closer, and closer.
UH OH
No! You won’t get me like this. I will leave this house. Determination surges through me. Angry now, I twist me body around till I can see the hand. Thin white fingers enter laced through my brown hair. “Let go of me! You demon let me go!” A hysterical voice that sounds nothing like my own; erupts from my mouth. Followed by my hands clawing at the arm. Piercing the mirrors glossy surface is the elbow of my attacker. Get rid of the mirror. The statement is simple, yet the only possible escape. The mirror has an elaborate frame consisting of intertwined metal. I’m sorry to break the mirror but I must. Before I can change my resolve I smash the mirror with my hand. The mirror shatters, as the pieces fall to the ground the hand disintegrates into flat panes of glass.
Oh dear. A demon actually got out.
*dials his team and orders them to capture this one immediately*
“Break a mirror, for seven years you’ll have bad luck. That was a very big mistake Nicky,” Laughter follows the statement. My eyes quickly glance up. The mirror is no longer a mirror. Now it is an empty frame. A harmless frame hanging on a wall. "Is he right? He always is, "
He's probably wrong. Don't worry about it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this is pretty darn well done. The flow is great, the language used is great and overall its just done really well. I would definitely read this a few times. Its pretty easy to understand what's going on and you do a fairly decent job of investing us in this protagonist.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253913
Reviews: 4100
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