Published December 14, 2009
you keep throwing me off the edge of the galaxy with broken arms and tattered sleeves
that with the wind confine and bind me to your statue; a scuplture of yourself you've
dusted with the frostbite of your heart.
i saw you turn the sky to clay and paint the winter in charcoal
when your watercolors ran together and spilled
across your aching canvas and i
closed my eyes as you destroyed the beauty that you
once shaded the world in with and
gave depth to the heart of a lonely girl with.
and you drew us in circles and traced them with your delicate
guitarists' fingers
that you couldn't mold your heart to fit, so instead you
tore the seams of mine and let it unwind
and fray at ends we couldn't force to meet.
,
and i hear you say you've become an artist when really i just
watched you fill yourself in with
cement.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
Wow, that was good. I really loved the last lines
It flows really well, as june said, and i didn't think it really needed elaboration but hey, that's just me
One little thing: don't forget about our either 2:1 or 3:1 review-to-post ratio on this site (forgot which it was-- helpful, aren't I?)
Besides that, awesome job and keep writing.
empress
Hey there!
This is indeed a pretty poem. As Snoink said, you make vivid images run together, and you do it excellently. The words pull us towards the climax -- which, in a way, I feel like this poem is missing. It's like, we're reaching for a goal, dearie, and before we can get there you end the poem.
It's not a bad thing; I'd recommend elaboration a bit -- not in a sense where you explain away everything you're versing but enough so that the poem has a chance to get on its feet before you close it off.
Thanks for the read! I enjoyed this; found it oddly pleasing.
June
thank you so much for your critique; it is very helpful.
Hi colorful! Welcome to YWS!
So, basically, you know how to write vivid images, which is a great! Now, what you want to try to make the vivid images flow together and make some sort of sense. This can be done by looking at your images and making the images follow a common theme so that everything can be related to each other.
So which image is the one you like the best? When you figure this out, see what images can be used to further express this. The goal here, finally, is to put similar with similar so that the poem doesn't seem totally mismatched and seems to run smoothly in its course of ideas.
Best of luck!
though i don't quite understand what you mean by "though I see a gap in between the description of the focus as an artist and it all runs together into a kind of meld".
if you could clarify thatd be super but thank you for reviewing in general!
A few of the lines lost me, as far as imagery go, like to me they diddnt make sense.
then again thats just me.
the whole progression of the poem is very well done, though I see a gap in between the description of the focus as an artist and it all runs together into a kind of meld, I couldnt really grasp the concept untill I got about half way through.
It is a good poem though.
There are really no complaints, above was just a little thing that happened to me.