Published July 17, 2010
I have never felt this before.
I don’t know what it is.
Can any one tell me?
‘Cuz I just don’t understand
I dream about him.
I think about him all the time.
All I want to do is be with him!
He makes me feel safe
He makes me feel loved
When I am wrapped in his arms
I don’t ever want him to let go
Every single minute
Of every single day
All I want to do is be with him!
Some call this a crush
Some call this puppy love
But what I think it is
I think it is Love.
But I just don’t understand.
Could this be love?
Or is this just a feeling
That will go away soon enough?
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I think I have to agree with the others. I'm not going to repeat what they said because I think you understood what they meant. However, I can give you some minor details that I think should be changed.
Firstly, I would change the ' cuz to something less slang-like. Maybe it was a well thought out choice of word on your part for some higher purpose that I'm not aware of. However, if it wasn't then maybe you should change it. It would give the poem a bit more maturity. It's a personal opinion though.
Also to me it seems that in the first stanza it should say . I don't know, you probably meant it like you wrote it but to me it seems like a word is missing from that first verse.
Some people are not big fans of that kind of repetition but I actually don't mind it. I think you just wanted the reader to know how obsessed you were with him.
I think the last verse should be I dont want him to ever let go instead of
There's also a lack of flow in this stanza in particular.
You just rhymed love with love. I know someone already mentionned that but I thought it was important to let you know to pay attention to repetition like that.
In general, the poem lacks rhythm and flow. I know that sounded harsh ( sorry!!!) but I hope it will help you in the future and that soon enough I will be able to read some of your brilliantly well-written work.
Keep on writing!
I have to agree with Firestarter... Poems like this are a dime a dozen. I've said this a million times, but rhyming is soooo overrated. It's really falling out of fashion, and it's easy to see why, since it so often results in very weak poems. I think you should try writing about love in a fresh, unusual way, a way that will use vivid imagery and powerful emotion that will immediately capture the reader's attention. This poem doesn't do any of that. Sorry if I sound very harsh.
Unfortunately, colie, I think this is more likely to be found in a Hallmark card than a poetry anthology. It's a collection of so many cliches and overworn phrases that I'm not sure you have anything salvageable. You even rhymed "love" with "love" in a poem about ... love. Expand your horizons, scrap the constricted metre and icky rhymes, break out of the short line syndrome you have going on, and really try and describe love. This isn't how love feels at all.
I really like this poem.
And I think I can relate to it.lol
Anyway keep writing you are really good