Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Art » Horror

E - Everyone

Awoken

by coladonatorn21


The man whistled cheerfully, so you’d never guess he had a corpse in his suitcase. He walked down the busted concrete stairs to the subway station, his whistle echoed through the almost vacant stairwell. The few people passing in the busted stairwell only saw a casual business man on his way home from the airport, he wore a simple black suit with a red tie. In his suitcase lay his dead wife, however he wasn’t the one that killed her. She had lost her battle with cancer a week before.

After his wife died the man had a sense of heaviness on his heart. He consumed little to no food and half of the time he wouldn’t go to work let alone leave his bed. However one night while surfing on the deep web he came across a strange vile that claimed to have the ability to bring the dead back to life. The heartbroken man was willing to grasp onto any hope he could find that would bring his beloved wife back into this world. Mindlessly the man placed a bid down for the vile, no one else was on the site at the time so the weird glowing liquid held within the vile was his instantly.

Days passed as he waited for a package to appear on his doorstep, everyday he would go outside and look around his muddy brown porch, most of the time he would even wait at his front door and listen for the sound of the mail truck. A week later the man was woken up by a loud banging on his back door, it was about 2am, he quickly jumped out of bed and hurried over to his open window only to see a black figure walking away from the house and into the dark forest across the street. Chills crept up his spine as his heart began to race with fear, a million thoughts entered his head. Who was that? What did they want? Are they still here hiding? Are they going to kill me?

The man peaked out the window and watched the backyard for the black figure for about an hour before he finally got up and slowly made his way down his creaky stairs with a metal baseball bat in his hand. He flipped on each light when he entered a room just to be sure no one was there, his house was completely empty and nothing was taken or out of place. He turned his attention to the door leading to his backyard, there seemed to be a light shining through the glass. He snuck over to the door and furrowed his eyebrows when he looked at the plastic baggy containing a glowing vital in it. It took him a few minutes to register that it was the cure he had ordered to bring his wife back, Once he realized what he was holding in his hands his eyes flooded with tears of relief and hope, he was going to finally get his beloved wife back. There was only one thing he needed to do now...retrieve his wife’s body. This wasn’t exactly something he’d been dying to do, it was actually the part he regretted most. He sighed softly as he walked back into the kitchen, he checked the time only to see that it was 5am, most people were on the streets during this time either going to or coming from work. He’d have to wait until tonight to go dig her up. The man tiredly walked upstairs and gently laid the vile down on his bedside table, at this point in time it was the most important thing to him and he wasn’t sure what he’d do if it broke or disappeared. He crawled into bed and placed his head on the soft pillow before quickly falling back to sleep, his fear and anxiety were no longer keeping him awake at night but rather the thought of having his wife beside him again kept him asleep.

The man woke up a little while later, he slowly sat up in bed and looked over to make sure the glass tube was still on his mahogany bedside table, a small smile grew on his face as he stood up and started to get dressed. He grabbed his favorite black leathered suitcase and placed a flashlight along with a suit and tie in it and some black shoes, he knew that after he had finished digging her up he was gonna need a change of clothes. Once he finished packing the suitcase he slipped on some steel toe boots and headed out to the bus station.

Six hours later he found himself standing upon his wife’s grave with a rusted old shovel in his hand, he looked around the cemetery to make sure no one was around before he started digging up the previously dug hole. Soon the black glossy casket containing his wife’s corpse came into view. As he looked at the casket his heart began to ache, he needed his wife back. He gently laid the shovel down by the tomb stone and carefully lowered himself into the grave while bringing his suitcase with him. The man slowly opened the casket, his eyes flooded with tears as he looked down at the corpse in front of him. To him she still looked beautiful, he didn’t see a lifeless corpse. All he saw was the woman he fell in love with when he was eighteen, his heart felt like it had once again shattered into a million pieces but he knew he had to stay strong. He didn’t have time to let his emotions get the best of him. He took a deep breath to calm himself down before he carefully lifted her out of the casket and placed her into the suitcase, he struggled with the weight of the suitcase as he tried to lift it out of the grave. Finally after about 5 minutes he was able to hoist it up onto the patches of grass surrounding the grave, he then climbed out and used the shovel to push the loose dirt back into the hole. The man’s eyes wandered around the grave site as he changed into his suit and tie, he traded his steel toe boots for black dress shoes and combed his hair back. He needed to make sure he didn’t look suspicious as he walked to the subway.

“Good morning” he nodded to an officer standing outside of the coffee shop by the subway stairs. He gave a kind smile as he whistled cheerfully while walking down the stairs, once he made it to the bottom he gently sat the suitcase down so he could let his arm rest as he waited for the subway cart to stop. Once the doors squeaked open he smiled as he picked up the suitcase and walked inside, although it was heavy he did everything he could to not let that show. He wanted to seem cool, calm, and collected. The ride home took about 4 hours, the subway tended to be faster than the bus since there was less traffic. The minute the man walked into his two story house he turned the lock on his front door and gently laid the suitcase down so he could unzip and remove the corpse. He cradled the lifeless body in his arms as he pulled the vile out of his pocket. His heart started to race with adrenaline, he slowly removed the cap from the vile and transferred the glowing liquid into the syringe he had bought with the cure.

“Please may this work,” He begged as he looked up with pleading eyes,

The man then shakily injected it into her arm and waited to see if anything would happen, time seemed to slow down as he stared at his wife’s corpse. He hadn’t seen any sign of life come back to her, the heaviness on his heart reappeared. Tears streamed down his face, he didn’t understand why it wasn’t working. What had he done in his lifetime to deserve this kind of pain? That was something he asked himself when his wife first died. The heartbroken man soon cried himself to sleep while holding his wife in his arms.

He woke up the next night at around seven, he was still laying on the floor in his suit and tie but something was missing...more like someone. The corpse of his wife wasn’t anywhere to be seen, the suitcase that was once laying on the floor was now propped up against the staircase. The man slowly sat up as the cracking sound of his back echoed through the hallway, sleeping on the floor wasn’t the best decision on his part. He searched around the room frantically as he hopped up onto his feet.

“Where did she go? There’s no way that was a dream, that’s impossible,” he muttered quietly to himself “am I going crazy?” he sighed and looked down at the floor when all of a sudden he heard the flush of a toilet. His head shot up like a meerkat, quietly he made his way up the stairs to find out who was in the bathroom. Once we approached the door it swung open and there in the doorway stood his wife. Her once knotted dark chocolate brown hair now cascaded down her shoulders and her pale cold skin had a tint of color to it. She smiled happily and looked at him with bright blue eyes

“Hi honey, surprised to see me?” her voice was smooth and kind just as it was before she had died.

He nodded slowly, he wasn’t sure what to say, not that he could even form words, the shock from seeing his wife alive and well had completely frozen him. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Am I going crazy? I’m dreaming right? “Uhm is this real?” he asked her, well he mostly asked himself

“Chris of course it's real!” she beamed happily and pulled him into a tight hug “I’m okay and very much alive. I’m back” she smiled and laid her head against his chest

Chris smiled and held her close as he closed his eyes and brought in the familiar scent of her hair. Everything else that had happened didn’t even matter anymore, he had the love of his life back and that’s all he could ask for. He slowly pulled away and glanced down at her while looking into her eyes, it was the exact same person he fell in love with. He knew there was no way this could have been real or maybe it was. Maybe the vile had worked and he was finally going to live happily ever after with his true love. Now all he had to worry about was how he was going to explain to everyone how he had gotten his wife back, it wasn’t exactly going to be the easiest conversation. He sighed lightly as all these thoughts clouded into his head.

“Let’s go lay down and get some more rest until morning,” he took her hand and walked into their room before carefully laying down on the bed. His wife laid beside him and rested her head on his chest as she closed her eyes.

Chris smiled softly and gently played with her hair as he looked up at the ceiling, many times over the past week he had dreamt and wished for this moment. It felt strange to him though, like he was keeping her from her eternal peace. He felt guilty but he knew without her he’d be a complete mess. Maybe this was his chance to tell her how he felt, tell her all the things he never got the chance to say before she passed. He drew in a deep breath and lightly kissed her head “I’m sorry I couldn’t have done more to help and I want you to know that I’m always going to love you more than anything else in this world. I can promise you that, you are my one and only” he closed his eyes to hold back his tears but it didn’t work, small tears escaped his eyes and slid down his cheek

His wife sat up and carefully wiped his tears before planting a soft kiss on his cheek “I know honey, you did everything you could and you helped me so much. I’m always gonna be here for you, I want you to remember that. I’m gonna be right beside you and making sure that you’re okay” a soft smile formed on her face as she gave him another tight hug “stay strong for me, it’s gonna be okay” she whispered gently

He nodded and held her close to his chest, he buried his face in her hair and soon fell asleep while breathing in her coconut scented shampoo, the whole night he slept peacefully knowing she was there with him. However the next morning he woke up to find her gone, he sat up out of bed and listened carefully, the silence had brought tears to his eyes. He continued to listen for a few moments but there was no sound, no water running, or voices from the tv, nor the sound of footsteps on the floorboards, there wasn't even the sound of clashing pans on the stove. The house was completely silent and the coconut smell of his wife’s shampoo was completely gone.

“I knew it was a dream, it was too good to be true,” He mumbled quietly and laid back down as he curled up under his duvet, he let a few tears roll down his cheeks before wiping them away with his sleeve. Although he was sad he felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. Chris finally gained the chance to say a proper goodbye to his wife and to tell her he loved her one last time. That was all he ever wanted, he never got the chance to say goodbye before, it all happened so suddenly. After about an hour of laying in bed he slowly got up and walked downstairs to make breakfast, he grabbed a pan out of the cabinet before retrieving the pancake mix and some ripened bananas off of the counter, he had decided to make his wife’s favorite breakfast to honor her memory. He also just wanted the familiar smell to linger in the house so it felt more like the old times to him.

“I’m gonna miss you every single day but now I know you’re here with me which will make it so much easier,” Chris gave a small smile before taking a bite of the banana pancakes and immediately spitting it out into the trash can beside the white marbled counters “yeah I still hate bananas” he chuckled and traded the pancakes for his favorite surgery cereal, frosted flakes. He still missed her dearly, he was always going to miss her but from this day forward he promised to tell her he loved her every single day and that he wouldn’t let this loss ruin him. That we would better himself and continue living his best life but also that he’d never forget her. He knew that one day he would see her again, whether it be when he passes or in another dream. Until then he would spend his days living his life to the fullest


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
675 Reviews


Points: 18050
Reviews: 675

Donate
Wed Jan 13, 2021 4:55 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi, coladonatorn!

I liked the idea that you had behind this piece. This is a very real struggle that a lot of people have gone through, and that's a great theme to explore in a fictional piece. (Also, I'm sorry if this is inspired from real experience.) However, I felt like, especially towards the end, it was a little bit on the nose of trying to give a lesson that needed to be learned from this piece. I liked when you included the small details of this important person in his life (like how he hated bananas while his wife loved them), which illustrate the care and compassion they will continue to have, but then going on to reiterate this directly felt like too much. Allow the reader to read this and come to their own conclusions about how they could use this to handle their own grief or experiences.

There were a few small issues that I had with this piece. First of all, how did the man manage to fit his wife's body in a suitcase? I thought the beginning was really engaging because it made me wonder "what?? what is the story behind this?" but when it's revealed to be just an intact body that he'd put in there, I was confused because I thought there were dismembered body parts in the suitcase. Is his wife especially small? How did it not smell, since he dung her up from her casket where she would likely be decomposing. This didn't feel quite logical to me.

Also, I was quite confused about why his wife was buried to far away. I don't have experience with having to find a graveyard for a loved one, but is there a particular reason that he chose to bury her so far away? I would be interested in knowing this significance, to fill out their relationship more if this was a specific request she had or if it was just something that Chris thought she would want. Also, how did he ride a subway back? I haven't known a subway that would take 4 entire hours, and why would he take the bus at all if the subway is faster? This was a bit confusing on the details.

Regarding the writing, there were some paragraphs that were really large and were thus difficult to read. For instance, when Chris first received the vial in the middle of the night (which I was also confused what the purpose of that was?), that whole experience is stuck into one paragraph. Large paragraphs don't look as appealing, but they are also dense and difficult to read. It's easy to lose track of where you are and it can hinder the flow of the story too, since it feels like progress isn't being made. I'd recommend trying to break them up more by ideas to keep the flow going, and also help build the suspense around this moment that felt like it should have been tense but wasn't.

Also, be especially careful about comma slices. This was common in your writing, where a period should have been used, but instead a comma was created to make a sentence run on. Here's an example:

He sighed softly as he walked back into the kitchen, he checked the time only to see that it was 5am, most people were on the streets during this time either going to or coming from work.


Each of these commas needs to be a period, since they are all independent thoughts, and while they might be related, they are still independent clauses. This will also help the flow of your writing a lot, so you can play around more with sentence structure to control the speed at which the reader reads.

The last inconsistency I saw was the fact that the man checked the clock to see it was 5 am, then went back to sleep, woke up and took a six hour bus ride to get to his wife's grave, dig it up, and then meet an officer and say "Good morning." I know this is a small thing, but the issue it illustrated is a distinct lack of meaning for time in this piece. It felt like times and hours were thrown around without much impact at all, and I wish there was a bit more thought put into this. You could easily use the time of day as another way to represent the grieving process and put more depth into that. It would be more interesting to read.

As this piece stands, I think it's a good first draft. You have a clear idea, with good details sprinkled throughout to keep the reader along for the ride. However, it still needs a bit of polishing, particularly on the writing front. Once you clean up your grammar and start to play around with sentence structure, it will feel more natural and engaging to read. As well, outside of details of the character's lives, it might be better to leave more to the reader's interpretation, so they can connect more with the story on their own terms.

Hopefully this was helpful! Let me know if you have any other questions. (Apologies because I typed this review rather quickly.)

Happy writing!
~ Wolfe




User avatar


Points: 125
Reviews: 1

Donate
Mon Dec 07, 2020 7:32 am
View Likes
Zaxivers wrote a review...



Hello there! I am Zaxivers. This was pretty great story, it's really sad but has a deep feeling and meaning into it. I am imagining while I was that Man... Ohh I will be really really sad...
Yeah... It's not easy to accept the loss of our beloved one...
The messages that comes to my mind is whatever it is we must accept the loss of our beloved one... even if it's hurts, even if it's painful destiny... we must accept. Everything we do there are nothing that we could revive the dead... We must keep on living our life and make it as best as possible.

Now let's get to the line breakdown :
First of all, that catches my eyes is the line "His heart started to race with adrenaline" this sentence is technically fine, but it will be better to add more nuance to it by changing it to "Adrenaline start to pour throughout his body" or "Adrenaline start rushing over his heart" etc, etc. But, you can ignore this because of writing style preferences.

Second, is the "The corpse of his wife wasn’t anywhere to be seen," this line ineffective. Try changing it to like "The coprse was nowhere to be found/seen". This way make sentence more strong and effective.

Third, the word "was" in this sentence is best to be removed or changed to "will">"he was always going to miss her but..." and this sentence "from this day forward he promised to tell her he loved her every single day and that he wouldn’t let this loss ruin him." it's just me or this sentence feel choppy and some changes needs to be done, change it to like "From this day forward he promised to always loved her every single day and He wouldn't let this loss ruin him." this way the line becomes more strong and effective.

Lastly, The final line "That we would better himself and continue living his best life but also that he’d never forget her. He knew that one day he would see her again, whether it be when he passes or in another dream." It's already explained in the previous line, and don't need to be repated for the second time as this causes the line to feel choppy and ineffective. It will be better like this "While never forget her, He continue to living his best live and keep on improving. Because He knew one day he would see her again, whether when he passes or in another dream.".

Alright! That's all I can find. Anyway, overall your story is already very great, but well... I hope there are some more story to this. Have a great day !





Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon