On a night where the stars hide behind the clouds, has the brightest smile turns into a frown, when you can hear every sound, this was the faithful night when the moon beat the sun under the rages of war.
A miserably sick girl cringed beside her bed, her lips were cold and red, her hair short and un-brushed, and she whispered words that lingered on inside her head. There was no aura around this fallen angel. I watched horrified of what I couldn’t stop. The sick child knew nothing of the world, only her world she could see, through those grass green eyes, which, had an even deeper story of what she can be. I was the cowardly lion, paralyzed in the obstacle I have just encountered. She lashed her lifeless hand at everything that got close to her, including me. Like a drunk, she blabbed on about things that made no sense to me. She cried in the mirror and stomped her feet. She’s just an un-nurtured little girl with no second thought on what happens to others. The only possible thought that raged her was the numbers on the scale, and even they deceived her. Sick and sad the tiny girl laughed, she picked up a piece of sharp clear glass. Her flawless pale skin stood no chance against this foe. My good friend was lost to blood, tears, and shadows. The red dripped on to the dirty tile floor, I begged her to stop but she lost control. She looked at me and said something of “I’m sorry,” and pushed the blood stained glass into her throat. I was too late. My dear friend laid still on a dusty floor. Forever bound with numbers and mirrors. And on this night, the stars never shined, and smile was only a frown, the sounds were clear and the cowardly lion regretted its will.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey cokeAcola! Sis here for a review! So, first off, I really liked how you described this story. It itself is unique, and that's what I love about it.
Honestly, throughout this whole this, I was imagining it as a poem, because it really could be one. While reading through it, I noticed some things sounded poem-like and a bunch of stuff rhymed. (Maybe that's because I've been reviewing poems all day...I'm not sure) Anyway, when you describe what is happening in the story, you use imagery. I love imagery so much, because it gives you a clearer picture of what's happening. My favorite part had to be the last line when you said,
And on this night, the stars never shined, and smile was only a frown, the sounds were clear and the cowardly lion regretted its will.
This really is beautiful, and I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep writing, and as always keep smiling! See ya in the reviews and around the site!
-Sis
ohhhh..
ok story.you can make it still better.
while writing try to avoid lot of descriptions.
some lines like " And on this night, the stars never shined, and smile was only a frown, the sounds were clear and the cowardly lion regretted its will." are really nice.
starting lines likes
"A miserably sick girl cringed beside her bed, her lips were cold and red, her hair short and un-brushed, and she whispered words that lingered on inside her head" are decreasing interst.
any how i enjoyed while reading .your story increased its momentum as it reaches its end
but few descriptions are nice.
increase speed.
best of luck for your next work.
bye.
How sad
The story is short, and it's a long, run on paragraph, but other than that, you definitely get your point across.
You use a lot of very descriptive language that brings it all to live, as well as shrouds the short in a gloom of mystery. It works well at moving the reader to feeling for the child, but more so for the person, the writer, who is recounting the story. It is vaguely reminiscent of a horror, with the part about the glass, but the only horrifying thing about it is the blood.
Weird to say this, but it almost has a sweet side to it.
Thank you cokeAcola!