Published September 11, 2008
Memories
Memories are the clouds
I tried to hold on to
As I fell through the sky
Memories are the ice cubes
I tried to stop melting
In the middle of July
Memories are the darkness
That cloud the sky each day
That eclipse the smiling sun
Memories are the tablets
In the kitchen drawer
That I never took.
Memories are the last dance
At the school disco
While I stood, watching
Memories are the car crash
That struck fear into our hearts
And stopped us driving
Memories are the woollen scarf
That I forgot that day in haste
And the snow stung my bare neck.
Memories are those extra five minutes
On the home computer
When I should be doing homework
Memories are the way I felt
When you came up behind me
And put your arms around me
Memories are what I had
What the two of us had
And what will never leave me
I wish they would.
Sarah
xxx
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,616 Literary Works • 675,164 Reviews
Hey sarah,
I thought this was really pretty good. It's very stream of consciousness because of the imagery which is great. One thing I'd change though is the stanza:
"Memories are the darkness
That cloud the sky each day
That eclipse the smiling sun"
It seems almost too emotive in imagery for its current position. Obviously the imagery builds to tension in the poem (the tablets/ I never took) )and I wonder if you'd consider maybe ending the piece with this stanza rather than with your current ending. Or at least sharpen up your current ending... but still I really like this poem and if it were mine I'd end with that stanza- because not only does it give the feeling you already want from your ending ("eclipse the smiling sun" pretty much tells us that these memories are not exactly helping you) it also ties with the opening image of clouds.
Hope you consider this.
Cheers, Ben.
P.S if you'd like to return the favour, please take a look at my poem, Stains, just above yours in lyrical poetry.
I liked this. It is a nice poem, with a lot of good imagery and expressed in a unique way. The only thing I have to point out that you should add punctuation, which is what many forgot or don't want to do. It makes the poem flow better.
Overall, good work. I love your style, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hey. Reviewing isn't my forté, but I read this and felt I had to. (It's pretty damn awesome)
Okay, here goes.
I liked the way that you compared trying to hold on to things you cant with trying to catch a cloud. I think it paints a pretty picture.
This one is my favorite.
I suggest changing the 'that' in the last line to something like. . .
I like 'pills' in place of 'tablets' here. I just feel that it clears it up a bit more.
I love the way you end this poem. I think it fits perfectly and it has a sort of sardonic twinge to it.
Over all, I actively enjoyed reading your poem. I love your style of writing. Good job.
-Lynne
thanks for the comments
S
xxx
Oh, sorry. I'm a little slow.
I love the idea of this poem.
Though there wasnt much punctuation, Which I feel oucld add more to it, I love the depth of the whole idea.
The repetition worked really well and having the final line to contrast it really stood out and added to the poem.
I loved the stanza about the school disco, though I felt the one about cloudes darkening the sky seemed to lose rhythm and I had to rad it twice to fully understand it. It may have just been me but I didn't think it had the same feel as the rest of the poem.
In general, I really enjoyed this poem. It was really interesting and deep. Keep it up!
"Fell through the sky" is describing a feeling of you having no control over your life and you try to grab onto what was
Tablets part refers to having a problem but not trying to solve it e.g I ahd some tablets but did not take them, therefore my problem was not solved
I liked it, anyway
Hi. I'm not really good at reviewing poems but I saw this one yesterday and wanted to review it.
I don't really understand the "fell to the sky part". I'm guessing it's a similie for "When I fell, I tried to hold onto our memories." or something like that?
I would separate these into two separate lines. Like:
That eclipse,
the smiling sun
Or something like that. I also wouldn't use That; you already use it in the line above it and it sounds repetitive.
What do you mean by tablets? Pictures?
And stopped us from driving
To me, this just seems like it belongs more toward the end of the poem.
Overall, I liked the poem. It had good imagery and it was relatable.
Good job!
PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter