[pre] You mock me. Oh yes, you mock me. Sitting there, showing the time. How you mock me. If you weren't on silent you would be laughing at me, perhaps telling me how pathetic I am. I'm already aware of this fact. Stop staring at me.
Okay, I've had enough, I'm putting you in my pocket. What, you think I'm lying? Watch me.
Yeah, I put you in my pocket, what then? Yes, I realize I have an urge to look at you, but I won't. I won't open my sent box to see if he read my text. That would be obsessive, and everyone knows I am not obsessive.
So I looked in my sent box, do you have something to say to me? Hm? Didn't think so. It said he read it, so he must just be doing something. Like working, he could be working. Or he could just not care.
No, nonsense, stop putting these ideas in my head. He definitely cares, he may not be your boyfriend but the kind of texts he sends you?
Or even worse. What if he's texting your friend instead? She's definitely more normal than you.
Damn you, phone. You made me doubt myself again. But starting now I will not look at you. No, I won't. You may think that you're my best friend, oh, but you're so far from it, it isn't even funny. Now, stop staring at me.
No good is going to come from this. You think that you will win this little war, but alas, you won't.
So what if I just looked at the sent time and noticed he hasn't texted back in eleven minutes? That means nothing. It's not like I care. No, of course I don't care, you stupid piece of plastic and metal. You have no control over me, I am a human being. I am superior to you, MY RACE MADE YOU.
Um, you've resorted me to begging. Stop staring at me, mocking me. Unless you have a text from him, stop it. Now you're gonna make me cry. Please go away. You. Are. Not. My. Friend.
Fine. Sit there and stare at me. Be jealous that I have opposable thumbs. Be jealous that I will live longer than you. Be jealous that I can enjoy cupcakes.
I should throw you across the room. Just take it and throw you against the wall. But I go to pick it up and i realize... if I do, I'll never get the text. Well, and my mother will kill me. I'll just sit you here.
You, just sitting there, you. All you're loved for is bringing messages from loved ones. No, not loved ones, liked ones. Oh good God, I used the word "love" didn't I? See what you made me do, you little piece of sh- ... oh my gosh he texted back! Oh he's at his friend's house. They must be playing video games. He doesn't hate me.
Dear cell phone, how I like thee. Wait, now I'm supposed to reply with something witty, sexy, silly, and wonderful at the same time. I hate you, look what trouble you've caused me. Gosh....[/pre]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I love how the cell phone was a character even though it remained inanimate - you gave it a character. Very nice work. You show the modern addiction to the cell phone as well as the complete teenage angst of waiting for the reply of a special somebody. It needs a little bit of a better ending, but I like how the war between her and the phone is ongoing.
This was very brilliant and witty. I'll emphasize the witty part again, simply because I liked that particular aspect of it. You really wrote a good story here. I've read it over and over again already. Keep it up
I love this! So funny, but so true. I love love love the ending, but there's a few obvious mistakes I'm sure you'll find. This is sheer brilliance!
PM me when you post anything else!
RG
Hello again! Same format as always.
Highlighted Comments
1. Re-look at this. I’m not sure if ‘you’ is intentional, since he technically sends the texts to the phone, and the second half makes no sense.
2. This sounds a little different than the rest of the piece. Maybe just ‘He wouldn’t text her rather than me,’ or something similar?
3. Too educated for her voice.
4. This looks childish. Just italicize it.
5. ‘Um’ is poor wording, and she’s not begging.
6. I think she should at least try to sound stronger…This seems a bit out of character.
7. I loved this!
8. Every other time, we don’t watch her doing the action – don’t start now. Maybe just ‘But if I do, I’ll never…’ Make sense?
9. What’s the point of this word?
10. Apostrophes, not quotation marks.
11. She already used ‘God,’ don’t go and switch on us.
12. I’d prefer ‘love’ here…
13. Heehee, the mature voice works! ;P
14. Again with the Gosh.
Overall Comments
I actually have nothing more to say. You are a great writer, and have a lot of potential. You better PM me when you get something else up!
~JFW1415
I liked it, especially the fact that you made the cell phone have a voice without saying anything. Also I think just about everyone can relate here. Personally, it reminded me of the time I stayed up all night waiting to be texted back, only to go to bed crying. Its pathetic, cell phones are a sort of addiction, and I thought you did a good job of showing that. The only real critique I could give you is that I think you need a better title, because your title does fit your story, but it still sounds kinda boring- unlike your story.
the narrator is not mentally disable. although she'd like to say she has never took ANY crazy test.
=X
ok now she's worried.
thanks for all the reviews! I didn't actually submit this to sci-fi, i submitted it to other, but somehow it got fudged up, haha. I realize that the font is HORRID! (i'm not touching the "pre" button again 0.o)
Thanks for all the critiques and positive aspects.
-Chanelmarie x]
uhhh. This isn't really sci-fi.
It seems like the narrator is a little... unstable. The way she is having an argument with the cell phone is weirrd.
This was only alright for me, man.
there were several spelling mistakes, and for the love of God, change the font. It makes it impossible to read.
Cheers,
Pros
well, Griffinkeeper found that error--i thought there were more, but i didn't find any...they vanished, i suppose. looking back at it, it seems like the phone talked to the main character...but that doesn't make much sense, unless you were trying to emphasize the MC's insanity.
she(i assume it was she?) would have to be insane to want to use a cell phone to begin with.
this was a really cool piece, definitely a clever format.
Thanks for all the positive feedback! I'm not quite sure what you meant by me changing voices here, it would be great if you elaborate.
and I will definitely try to format it better next time.
You switch voices here. It is her boyfriend, not "your."
I like the progression of this piece.
Wow, I really like this; the beginning was really powerful and drew you in, and I liked the idea.
Using 'gosh' at the end though...bit of a 'goody-goody' type word.
The font was a little difficult to read. Remember to format it before you post.
Wow. Just. Wow. Genius again my good friend. Genius again. Only a COUPLE things in the last paragraph where letters are missing. Other than that. Just. Wow. Genius again.