z

Young Writers Society



Her Story

by cmarie159


(Note: this is a story less about the fantasy, and more about the development of people, as most of my stories are. Excuse the fact that the French written in here is sans... meaning without... accents. Oh, what is the F Lock on my keyboard *presses*... it didn't do OH its for the f1 f2 thing isn't it? Oh well, ADD sorry. Well, critique fairly to this piece, and I'll critique one of yours. Enjoy!)

Listen, my love, I have a story to tell.

One with bloodthirsty creatures from hell.

With war, with famine, with destruction of peace,

especially the ones that come out in your sleep.

It all started one dreary afternoon.

It was all so fast, and ended so soon.

There was a mistake (as all stories begin),

a little bit of lust, of love, of sin.

No one remembered her name. She didn't even remember her name some days. She knew that she wasn't always in this line of employment, but she didn't remember what preceded it. She knew it was wrong, but she knew nothing else.

One day, she was called into her boss's office.

"Ah, mademoiselle, vene ici. Como ca va, ma petite ange? Tu es tres belle, comme tout les fois."

She cringed. "If you please monsieur, I'm trying not to speak my native tongue. This job is hard as it is."

She spoke these words with a french accent.

"Je m'excuse, I'm sorry," he said apologetically "would you sit down?"

He gestured towards one of the seats next to the window.

"Would you like something to drink? Tea? Cappuccino? Wine?"

"A cappuccino would be lovely, monsieur."

She replied, sitting down in the chair.

Her boss watched her for a moment. Outside the window, the day was dreary. You could see the grey fog, and the rain on the window. Each drop clung to the window with all its might, until too many drops combined, causing gravity to pull it down viciously.

She was a beauty, a jeune belle, and he couldn't imagine anyone better for the job.

To him she had long, curly, blond hair. She was tall and slender, and was very soft. Her eyes were crystal blue, and had a look as if she knew him inside and out. She had a slight tan, and her legs seemed to go on for eternity.

Of course, she didn't look like that to everyone else.

His assistant brought in two cappucinos, and left. Her boss brought over and placed the cup in her hands. "Now, ma chere, I have another assignment for you."

She nodded, and asked for details.

"Here's the kid's of the story," he handed her one manila envelope "and this is the girl's. Decide how your going to approach this. You'll be in the United States for this project, and it shouldn't take longer than a month."

"Merci, monsieur," She said, falling back into the habit of her first language "I will try my best, oui?"

"Oui ma chere. If you would excuse me, I have a lot of paperwork to do."

"Of course." She stood up, shook hands with her boss, and walked out of the office, closing the door gently behind her.

She decided she would walk to the cafe down the street, get a blueberry muffin, and read over the stories. This time she'll read the girl's side of the story first, then the boy's.

She got to the cafe, and walked up to the counter. The barista there was barely eighteen, and knew her well. She was in here almost every week.

"Hello, Angie," the young barista dubbed her by one of her many false names "blueberry muffin, yes?"

"Of course, the usual." She smiled at him and batted her eyelashes. She knew to him, she was a medium build redhead with emerald eyes. When he came back, she looked through her purse, pretending to look for her wallet. She knew that said item was, in fact, laying on her coffee table.

She made herself blush. "Oh shit, I think I left it at home, I guess I won't have that muffin." She said feigning embarrassment.

The barista waved his hand at her and told her not to worry about it. "On the house, babe."

"Are you sure?" She said with a slight smile.

"On my tab, of course." He said with a sunny disposition.

"Well, thanks ma chere."

"Anytime, Angie."

She took her muffin, and walked to her usual table. She was a creature of habit. She crossed her legs, tore off a piece of muffin and put it in her mouth. She felt the barista's eyes on her and sighed. This never got any easier, and she detested the attention.

Sighing again, as if saying "oh well", she reached for the manila enveloping reading "the Girl's". She ran her finger across the envelope, feeling every emotion this girl had. The bastard. She opened the envelope carefully, and slipped out the information. There was a survey about the girl, her story, a couple of photos, and her myspace. Of course, this generation was obsessed with this phenomenon.

Ignoring the rest, she picked up the story, and began to read.


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Sun May 18, 2008 11:27 pm
JFW1415 wrote a review...



Hello! You asked for a critique, so here it is!

Nit-Picks

Listen, my love, I have a story to tell.
One with bloodthirsty creatures from hell.
With war, with famine, with destruction of peace,
especially the ones that come out in your sleep.

It all started one dreary afternoon.
It was all so fast, and ended so soon.
There was a mistake (as all stories begin),
a little bit of lust, of love, of sin.

I’m not going to critique this bit. I’m awful at poetry, so I’d be pretty useless here.

No one remembered her name. She didn't even remember her name some days. She knew that she wasn't always in this line of employment, but she didn't remember what preceded it. She knew it was wrong, but she knew nothing else.

Enough telling? What was the point of all this – to show us who she is? If so, show us in the writing. Sounds like she’s kind of disappointed in herself, and that she’s doing something bad, so show how angry she is with herself, how helpless she is.

One day, she was called into her boss's office.

This is a pretty boring thing to put in a story, which is why people tend to see it in beginner writer’s stories. If I were you, I’d ditch these first two paragraphs. Start with her sitting at her desk, and have her called into her office. Or maybe even when she knocks on the door of her boss’s office. Start with action, movement – anything to get us hooked.

"Ah, mademoiselle, vene ici. Como ca va, ma petite ange? Tu es tres belle, comme tout les fois."

Will you tell us what this means? I’m kind of clueless about French…

She spoke these words with a [s]f[/s]French accent.

This shouldn’t be on its own – way too bland. Maybe add this to the previous paragraph, and reword? Something like ‘her voice [was something] from her French accent,’ or ‘her French accented showed strongly through her words.’

"Je m'excuse, I'm sorry," he said apologetically. "[s]w[/s]Would you sit down?" He gestured towards one of the seats next to the window.

"Would you like something to drink? Tea? Cappuccino? Wine?"

This should be combined with the previous paragraph. Also, maybe have her walking to the chair before he asks this? Just so it doesn’t seem so…random?

"A cappuccino would be lovely, monsieur,[s].[/s]"
[s]S[/s]she replied, sitting down in the chair.

Combine these two paragraphs.

Her boss watched her for a moment. Outside the window, the day was dreary. You could see the grey fog, and the rain on the window. Each drop clung to the window with all its might, until too many drops combined, causing gravity to pull it down viciously.

What was the point of this? You kind of just randomly switched to some description of the world outside. He was watching the woman, not the window. This brings us out of the action. Is he staring out the window before she comes in? Does she glance longingly out the window, and he follows her gaze?

Also, ditch the ‘you.’ That’s slipping into second person. Try ‘He could see the…’

She was a beauty, a jeune belle, and he couldn't imagine anyone better for the job.

To him she had long, curly, blond hair. She was tall and slender, and was very soft. Her eyes were crystal blue, and had a look as if she knew him inside and out. She had a slight tan, and her legs seemed to go on for eternity.

Of course, she didn't look like that to everyone else.

This took me a bit to understand, but I do like it. But don't give away so much. Keep the suspense up a bit. (I'm not sure how well this will work, but) try to show how different people view her, or how she knows they view her, and ditch the 'of course, she didn't look like that to everyone else.' Also, how's she know what they think she looks like?

His assistant brought in two [s]cappucinos[/s]cappuccinos, and left. Her boss brought over and placed the cup in her hands. "Now, ma chere, I have another assignment for you."

"Here[s]'s[/s] are the kid[s]'[/s]s of the story.s],[/s]" [s]h[/s]He handed her one manila envelope "and this is the girl's. Decide how you're going to approach this. You'll be in the United States for this project, and it shouldn't take longer than a month."

I tried editing the first part, but I’m not sure what you meant…one kid? Multiple kids? Just read the ‘here’s’ and ‘kid’s’ as ‘here is’ and ‘he is,’ and figure out how to write what you meant.

"Merci, monsieur," [s]S[/s]she said, falling back into the habit of her first language. "I will try my best, oui?"

Does she cringe when she uses her language? Does she bite her tongue? Show us that she’s angry at herself for using it, since she seemed so determined not to use it.

She decided she would walk to the cafe down the street, get a blueberry muffin, and read over the stories. This time she'd[s]ll[/s] read the girl's side of the story first, then the boy's.

She got to the cafe[s],[/s] and walked up to the counter. The barista there was barely eighteen[s],[/s] and knew her well. She was in here almost every week.

"Hello, Angie.[s],[/s]" [s]t[/s]The young barista dubbed her by one of her many false names. "[s]b[/s]Blueberry muffin, yes?"

I edited it so it would be grammatically correct, but I'd prefer:

'"Hello, Angie," the young barista said, dubbing her by one of her many false names.'

She made herself blush. "Oh shit, I think I left it at home, I guess I won't have that muffin." She said feigning embarrassment.

I don’t like the word ‘shit’ here. She’s trying to get him to make it on the house, and before she seemed so…clean? It seems out of place, at least here.

"Are you sure?" [s]S[/s]she said with a slight smile.

"On my tab, of course,[s].[/s]" [s]H[/s]he said with a sunny disposition.

Please ditch the tag. It’s just…icky.

The bastard.

Who’s the bastard? The girl?

Of course, this generation was obsessed with this phenomenon.

I don’t like the repetition of ‘this.’

Ignoring the rest, she picked up the story[s],[/s] and began to read.

I just learned this: if you don’t have a subject on both sides, you get no comma. ‘He’s going to the mall, and she’s going with him’ gets a comma. ‘He’s going to the mall and will buy jeans’ doesn’t. However, you can always break grammar rules, if needed. I am a fan of these: ‘He picked up the pen, looked it over, put it back down.’ But that’s to set the mood. I know I’m breaking the rules, and I’m doing it on purpose. Also, if you want to do that, usually ditch the ‘and.’

Overall

Point of Views

I actually explained this pretty well for someone else, so, if you don’t mind, I’m just copying and pasting it here. It’s what you need to do: focus on one character (Angie?) and let us see the world through her eyes.

This is something I see many people mess up on, but I’ve never been able to explain myself well enough. I am actually reading a book at the moment that shows this wonderfully. It’s called Light of the Moon by Luanne Rice.

She’s able to stay in one POV, yet she writes in third person. This is what you need to do – center your writing around one character. It’s hard to explain, so I’ve chosen excerpts from the book.

He flashed a quick, wonderful smile, for a moment she saw starbursts around his eyes, smile lines around his mouth, white teeth.

See? It’s third person, but we’re seeing it through Susannah’s (the girl’s) eyes. If it were in Grey’s (the main guy’s) eyes, we’d see what Susannah looked like, what his reaction to her was, why he was smiling.

Once he and Claude had gotten the horses rubbed down and most of them stabled, he’d paid Claude and said he’d see him tomorrow. Claude had walked home to Anne and Laurent, leaving Grey to head over to the main paddock, where he’d left Mystère for last.

And now it’s in Grey’s POV (a new chapter, which explains the switch,) yet it’s still third person. Notice how we’re focused on Grey the entire time? Instead of following Claude back home, we stick around with Grey, staying in his POV.

The Start of Sentences

You started nearly every sentence with a pronoun, especially at the beginning. Spice it up!

Actions and Details

Right now, this is very blah. Why should I care? Why should I continue reading? Honestly – I shouldn’t. Nothing’s encouraging me to.

You need to make everything three-dimensional. Nervous habits, movement, all that jazz will spice up characters. Show us the room around them, set up an atmosphere. And give us emotions, even if the emotion is the lack of it.

And be careful how much you reveal here. Keep us on our toes, wanting to know what happens, but don’t make it so confusing we give up.

Other than that, it’s pretty good. I’m intrigued by the plot, but you do need to work on pulling me in for other reasons.

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415




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Sat May 17, 2008 4:39 pm
bear wrote a review...



Interesting. I skipped the poem at the beginning and then read it at the end, for no particular reason other than that it's not needed. Or at least not visibly needed now. It is a well done poem, though.

I liked this. Interesting.

Scasha covered pretty much everything. But I have a few nitpicky things to say.

She spoke these words with a french accent.


That's not needed, since we already know she's French. By the way, you need to capitalize French.

"Je m'excuse, I'm sorry," he said [s]apologetically[/s] "would you sit down?"


You don't need apologetically, because he said, "I'm sorry." We know he's apologizing.

Unfortunately, I don't speak French, so I can't give any feedback on that, other than that it added dimension and was nice to read.

I'm not sure if I agree with Scasha about showing more of Angie's emotions, since a more omniscient view seems to work nicely, but I do agree with her about the actions. It will make your story more interesting and textured.




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Sat May 17, 2008 4:32 pm
Sketch wrote a review...



The Good:
- It's an interesting idea to say the least. Very captivating. It kept my interest enough where I want to read more and find out what the envolupes say.
- The Poetry at the beginning was very good, but I don't get how it relates to the story yet.

The Bad:
- You could add translations to the french after it's spoken so we know what's being said. It wouldn't matter so much, but the main character knows what's being said we should too.
- The beginning could use a little work (after the poem) it's more of a transition problem then anything else.

It looks like the person before me took care of grammer (and I'm pretty bad at it) so I'm not going to attempt that. I can't wait to read more.




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Sat May 17, 2008 4:19 pm
scasha wrote a review...



Listen, my love, I have a story to tell.
One with bloodthirsty creatures from hell.
With war, with famine, with destruction of peace,
especially the ones that come out in your sleep.

It all started one dreary afternoon.
It was all so fast, and ended so soon.
There was a mistake (as all stories begin),
a little bit of lust, of love, of sin.
-- I loved this opening! It was instructive and melodic. It really realed me in.


No one remembered her name. She didn't even remember her name some days. She knew that she wasn't always in this line of employment, but she didn't remember what preceded it.
She knew it was wrong, but she knew nothing else.
-- try not to repeat words, in this case knew.
"Ah, mademoiselle, vene ici. [s]Como[/s] ca va, ma petite ange? Tu es tres belle, comme tout les fois."
I take french, you probably do too but here are a few grammatical corrections. I think vene should be viens (come). And tout should be tous.

She cringed. "If you please monsieur, I'm trying not to speak my native tongue. [s]This job is hard as it is[/s]."
-- if he is her boss, and she works for him, shouldn't she enjoy her work. I never got the feeling that she was hesitant in entering his office.
"A cappuccino would be lovely, [s]monsieur[/s]."
-- she's trying not to speak her native language so I'd take out monsieur.
Her boss watched her for a moment.
-- show us what she looks like and insert the line you have a paragraph below "She was a beauty, une jeune belle, and he couldn't imagine anyone better for the job" after you describe her. Then make a new paragraph for what the weather looks like outside.
Outside the window, the day was dreary. You could see the grey fog, and the rain on the window.
-- again try not to repeat words (window). Instead maybe say: The grey fog misted the glass.
Each drop clung to the window with all its might, until too many drops combined, causing gravity to pull it down viciously.
Instead say, "Each raindrop clung to the window until it slithered down the pane, leaving a trail of water behind it.

She nodded, and asked for details.
Show us how she asks. What does she say? Try not to tell the readers what is going on.
"
Here's the kid's of the story,"
I think you mean kid's story.

"Of course." She stood up, shook hands with her boss, and walked out of the office, closing the door gently behind her.
-- Show how she walks out. Show us what's going on in her mind. How does she feel? Detached? Scared? Tired? Is she nervous?
She decided she would walk to the cafe down the street, get a blueberry muffin, and read over the stories. This time she'll read the girl's side of the story first, then the boy's.
I don't really think you need this. Instead try to show what she's thinking in her mind like I said above. Maybe her stomach grumbles as she walks past a cafe and she stops inside for a blueberry muffin.
"Of course, the usual." She smiled at him and batted her eyelashes. She knew to him, she was a medium build redhead with emerald eyes.
Instead say, She was different to him, her looks morphing into a medium build redhead with emerald eyes. She knew what he liked.

"
On my tab, of course." He said with a sunny disposition.
-- sunny disposition seems awkward here. Maybe have him give her a wide smile.
This never got any easier, and she detested the attention.
-- I disagree with this statement. Since we haven't seen a lot of her emotions, I didn't really get the feel that she didn't like being beautiful. Try to show us more of what she's thinking so we can agree with your statement above.
The bastard.
-- Are you talking about the girl? If so it should be the bitch, but you might want to clear up who you're talking about anyway.

Great job! You kept me interested throughout the story!! This is very original so I was definitley drawn in by your skillful suspense and engaging plot! just a few suggestions:
1) Show us more of her emotions. What's going on in her mind, etc. It would really make the story more clear and the audience would be able to relate to your main character better.
2) Again, show us don't tell. Actions, even the smallest ones matter. The audience would rather see what's going on then be told what's happening.

Other than that, well done! PM me if you have any questions. Also let me know when the next chapter goes up. I would love to review it :-)





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Man is by nature a political animal.
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