Hello! You asked for a critique, so here it is!
Nit-Picks
Listen, my love, I have a story to tell.
One with bloodthirsty creatures from hell.
With war, with famine, with destruction of peace,
especially the ones that come out in your sleep.
It all started one dreary afternoon.
It was all so fast, and ended so soon.
There was a mistake (as all stories begin),
a little bit of lust, of love, of sin.
I’m not going to critique this bit. I’m awful at poetry, so I’d be pretty useless here.
No one remembered her name. She didn't even remember her name some days. She knew that she wasn't always in this line of employment, but she didn't remember what preceded it. She knew it was wrong, but she knew nothing else.
Enough telling? What was the point of all this – to show us who she is? If so, show us in the writing. Sounds like she’s kind of disappointed in herself, and that she’s doing something bad, so show how angry she is with herself, how helpless she is.
One day, she was called into her boss's office.
This is a pretty boring thing to put in a story, which is why people tend to see it in beginner writer’s stories. If I were you, I’d ditch these first two paragraphs. Start with her sitting at her desk, and have her called into her office. Or maybe even when she knocks on the door of her boss’s office. Start with action, movement – anything to get us hooked.
"Ah, mademoiselle, vene ici. Como ca va, ma petite ange? Tu es tres belle, comme tout les fois."
Will you tell us what this means? I’m kind of clueless about French…
She spoke these words with a [s]f[/s]French accent.
This shouldn’t be on its own – way too bland. Maybe add this to the previous paragraph, and reword? Something like ‘her voice [was something] from her French accent,’ or ‘her French accented showed strongly through her words.’
"Je m'excuse, I'm sorry," he said apologetically. "[s]w[/s]Would you sit down?" He gestured towards one of the seats next to the window.
"Would you like something to drink? Tea? Cappuccino? Wine?"
This should be combined with the previous paragraph. Also, maybe have her walking to the chair before he asks this? Just so it doesn’t seem so…random?
"A cappuccino would be lovely, monsieur,[s].[/s]"
[s]S[/s]she replied, sitting down in the chair.
Combine these two paragraphs.
Her boss watched her for a moment. Outside the window, the day was dreary. You could see the grey fog, and the rain on the window. Each drop clung to the window with all its might, until too many drops combined, causing gravity to pull it down viciously.
What was the point of this? You kind of just randomly switched to some description of the world outside. He was watching the woman, not the window. This brings us out of the action. Is he staring out the window before she comes in? Does she glance longingly out the window, and he follows her gaze?
Also, ditch the ‘you.’ That’s slipping into second person. Try ‘He could see the…’
She was a beauty, a jeune belle, and he couldn't imagine anyone better for the job.
To him she had long, curly, blond hair. She was tall and slender, and was very soft. Her eyes were crystal blue, and had a look as if she knew him inside and out. She had a slight tan, and her legs seemed to go on for eternity.
Of course, she didn't look like that to everyone else.
This took me a bit to understand, but I do like it. But don't give away so much. Keep the suspense up a bit. (I'm not sure how well this will work, but) try to show how different people view her, or how she knows they view her, and ditch the 'of course, she didn't look like that to everyone else.' Also, how's she know what they think she looks like?
His assistant brought in two [s]cappucinos[/s]cappuccinos, and left. Her boss brought over and placed the cup in her hands. "Now, ma chere, I have another assignment for you."
"Here[s]'s[/s] are the kid[s]'[/s]s of the story.s],[/s]" [s]h[/s]He handed her one manila envelope "and this is the girl's. Decide how you're going to approach this. You'll be in the United States for this project, and it shouldn't take longer than a month."
I tried editing the first part, but I’m not sure what you meant…one kid? Multiple kids? Just read the ‘here’s’ and ‘kid’s’ as ‘here is’ and ‘he is,’ and figure out how to write what you meant.
"Merci, monsieur," [s]S[/s]she said, falling back into the habit of her first language. "I will try my best, oui?"
Does she cringe when she uses her language? Does she bite her tongue? Show us that she’s angry at herself for using it, since she seemed so determined not to use it.
She decided she would walk to the cafe down the street, get a blueberry muffin, and read over the stories. This time she'd[s]ll[/s] read the girl's side of the story first, then the boy's.
She got to the cafe[s],[/s] and walked up to the counter. The barista there was barely eighteen[s],[/s] and knew her well. She was in here almost every week.
"Hello, Angie.[s],[/s]" [s]t[/s]The young barista dubbed her by one of her many false names. "[s]b[/s]Blueberry muffin, yes?"
I edited it so it would be grammatically correct, but I'd prefer:
'"Hello, Angie," the young barista said, dubbing her by one of her many false names.'
She made herself blush. "Oh shit, I think I left it at home, I guess I won't have that muffin." She said feigning embarrassment.
I don’t like the word ‘shit’ here. She’s trying to get him to make it on the house, and before she seemed so…clean? It seems out of place, at least here.
"Are you sure?" [s]S[/s]she said with a slight smile.
"On my tab, of course,[s].[/s]" [s]H[/s]he said with a sunny disposition.
Please ditch the tag. It’s just…icky.
The bastard.
Who’s the bastard? The girl?
Of course, this generation was obsessed with this phenomenon.
I don’t like the repetition of ‘this.’
Ignoring the rest, she picked up the story[s],[/s] and began to read.
I just learned this: if you don’t have a subject on both sides, you get no comma. ‘He’s going to the mall, and she’s going with him’ gets a comma. ‘He’s going to the mall and will buy jeans’ doesn’t. However, you can always break grammar rules, if needed. I am a fan of these: ‘He picked up the pen, looked it over, put it back down.’ But that’s to set the mood. I know I’m breaking the rules, and I’m doing it on purpose. Also, if you want to do that, usually ditch the ‘and.’
Overall
Point of Views
I actually explained this pretty well for someone else, so, if you don’t mind, I’m just copying and pasting it here. It’s what you need to do: focus on one character (Angie?) and let us see the world through her eyes.
This is something I see many people mess up on, but I’ve never been able to explain myself well enough. I am actually reading a book at the moment that shows this wonderfully. It’s called Light of the Moon by Luanne Rice.
She’s able to stay in one POV, yet she writes in third person. This is what you need to do – center your writing around one character. It’s hard to explain, so I’ve chosen excerpts from the book.
He flashed a quick, wonderful smile, for a moment she saw starbursts around his eyes, smile lines around his mouth, white teeth.
See? It’s third person, but we’re seeing it through Susannah’s (the girl’s) eyes. If it were in Grey’s (the main guy’s) eyes, we’d see what Susannah looked like, what his reaction to her was, why he was smiling.
Once he and Claude had gotten the horses rubbed down and most of them stabled, he’d paid Claude and said he’d see him tomorrow. Claude had walked home to Anne and Laurent, leaving Grey to head over to the main paddock, where he’d left Mystère for last.
And now it’s in Grey’s POV (a new chapter, which explains the switch,) yet it’s still third person. Notice how we’re focused on Grey the entire time? Instead of following Claude back home, we stick around with Grey, staying in his POV.
The Start of Sentences
You started nearly every sentence with a pronoun, especially at the beginning. Spice it up!
Actions and Details
Right now, this is very blah. Why should I care? Why should I continue reading? Honestly – I shouldn’t. Nothing’s encouraging me to.
You need to make everything three-dimensional. Nervous habits, movement, all that jazz will spice up characters. Show us the room around them, set up an atmosphere. And give us emotions, even if the emotion is the lack of it.
And be careful how much you reveal here. Keep us on our toes, wanting to know what happens, but don’t make it so confusing we give up.
Other than that, it’s pretty good. I’m intrigued by the plot, but you do need to work on pulling me in for other reasons.
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415
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Reviews: 438
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