The mist drifted vacantly over the dark street, blowing it’s cool air onto the frosted windows of the desolate houses.
I grimaced briefly at the dark surroundings; another in capitation that fate held. I longed to run, to hide, to be safe, but pure rage shook my vision pushing me forward, squinting in the light ridden street
My heart beat a broken rhythm against my cage like chest.
I sighed softly, flitting forward too quickly to pass as running. My surroundings blurred, becoming a streak of colour as the trees zipped by me. I looked down suddenly, I had thought of how often contemplated running into a tree. It reminded me too much of my old life.
But, I grinned, I came here to destroy the core of my existence. But still the question bothered me.
Trees tended to avoid me.
I frowned realising the irony to this statement.
I stopped flitting, the houses on either side of me quivering to a standstill.
I hissed , my idle memory reminding me why I was here.
I swept a quick glance at the immposibly dull lane, probably miles from where I had started. My hand instinctively grabbed the hilt of the steel dagger pinned to my side and Isighed sweeping a hand through my long hazel hair.
He was here.
I stopped dead closing my eyes: He was close.
‘Oh come out to play’ whispered a cold amused voice from a few yards in front.
I gasped out loud. For a moment fear paralysed every cell in my body and my mind went blank, my body slumping against the cold brick wall. I groaned my will crumbling like sand. Iremembered vividly the cold murderous eyes that aligned his pale face. The grey lips that had sucked so many lives, the terrible power that exploded from him like an aura.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey there.
This is an interesting start to a novel or something, and it carries a lot of punch in these brief lines. Draws you right in. However, might it not be a little too short? Your call, really.
Right, the only mistakes in this were nitpicks, really.
You repeat 'dark' twice there. Perhaps a synonym? Although only twice isn't that bad. Also, the last part, 'another in capitation that fate held'. I don't know if it's just me, but that causes some confusion.
Oh well, moving on.
I don't know if this is just me again, but is 'contemplated' not a synonym of 'thought'? So maybe I had contemplated how often... no, that still doesn't make sense. Something should probably be added there. Does the character often think/contemplate how ironic it would be for her to run into a tree? Does she find that amusing?
Just previously, the character was stating how she must go to that place, wherever that place was, and she was about to shake the core of her existence. So yeah, her forgetting seems a little implausible.
One tiny formatting imperfection here:
Should be:
"Oh come out to play," whispered a cold, amused (...)
Try this for a clearer sentence:
'I groaned, my will crumbling like sand. I vividly remembered the cold (...)'.
Also, that 'aligned' could be replaced by something else.
The end, though it has the potential to be quite powerful, seems, as Tobol pointed out, rather cut short and stuff.
The mistakes are really just nit-picks here. I look forward to seeing more.
Hope this helped,
~Ita
I really like this, it's imaginative and held my attention well. I just have a few things.
First line, "it's" should be "its". It's means it is, its is the possesive.
I would add a comma to "shoock my vision pushing me foward" between vision and forward.
Maybe change cage like to cage-like.
"I looked down suddenly, I had thought of how often contemplated running into a tree." this doesn't make sense, I think you might have left out a word somewhere.
The past tense slumped fits better than the present tense slumping because you use past tense everywhere else and then change it for one word.
Also, I feel like you should add something to the end. It has a very abrupt, inconclusive halt, which leaves the impression that the story is unfinished.
Really liked it, keep up the good work!