"James" He uttered this word and let his head roll sideways as thin trickle of blood dripping down onto his dead face. He sighed then closed his eyes for the very last time.
A cold mirthless laugh echoed around the chamber, more disturbing than the dead body was that voice held a note of sick joy. The chamber walls shook trying to contain the gruesome noise that had consumed it.
"Well well well. What do we have here?" Whispered the cold voice, amused.
Whoever it was strode forward,throwing his gruesome features into the light. His white face shone like a beacon through the dull light of the chamber. His cold eyes, full black, examined the room grinning when he noticed the man lying on the floor. When he grinned he showed the three vicious scars that ignited his face from hair to chin.
He strode over to the man on the floor smiling like he had just won the lottery.
Today was definitely a good day
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh well, talk about a killer start to a story, wow that is a really powerful image to start on, not just the description of a murder, but simply the image of a man dying all on his own by the looks of things...and the way you describe the person straightaway as a body rather than a person really creates a powerful impact there right from the very start.
Well that's a genuinely chilling moment right there, the body lying dead in the corner with one final word and the acknowledgment to that is a laugh that appears to contain a note of actual joy there, which lets you know that whoever doing the laughing there has to be a genuinely terrifying person or entity here...cause honestly its scary enough you feel like whatever is doing the laughing, its not even human.
That's a powerful image to end on, someone who appears to very clearly be the villain of the story comes up to laugh at the dead person and the proceeds to think that it means this has been a good day. Its just a very chilling entrance to a story this, it definitely makes you very intrigued, and I personally would definitely want to read on and find out more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there. Sky here. (Hah, I just busted a rhyme).
Well, I'm going to be reviewing this piece. c:
Point One:
The first sentence sounded a bit...odd when I read it out loud. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying rewriting it would be a good idea.
example:
A sickening jolt echoed around the chamber. As the man's body fell limply, the chamber walls echoed every sound made by the unconscious body.
Grammar Points:
You wrote: The chamber walls where smooth...
Should be changed to: The chamber walls were smooth...
Point Two:[/]
You wrote: A ripple went down the mans spine and he screamed thrashing around and finally becoming still, leaving the chamber in an even eerier silence.
Again, it sounds a bit..off. I think it's where you put your commas. Try rewording this also.
Example:[/]
A ripple went down the man's spine. A scream ripped through his throat and he thrashed around violently until he finally became still, leaving the chamber in an eerie silence.
[b]Point Three:
You wrote: A cold mirthless laugh echoed around the chamber, more disturbing than the dead body was that voice held a note of sick joy. The chamber walls shook trying to contain the gruesome noise that had consumed it.
You should watch where to and not to put commas.
[i]Example:
A cold, mirthless laugh echoed around the chamber, more disturbing than the dead body. It was a voice that held a note of sick joy. The chamber shook, trying to contain the gruesome noise that had consumed it.
Before this review stretches too long...
All you have to work on is your wording. As in, where to put commas, periods, etc.
Other than that, your writing is done very well. What I enjoyed the most is the way you described things. Way better than I can do. T_T
Keep on writing,
Sky.
Ah...bold and italics went wrong...
Just ignore those.
And I just noticed you posted a good copy.
I
Am
SO
Sorry.