her rose colored lips

This is a really old post. Please don't bump old threads unless the author wants you to. If you'd like to help someone out, why not review a more recent story?

Locked.

Oooooh, that was a sad story or poem whatever it is.... However, it made me cry and feel how it will be like.... I cried when I read this story!

One of my favorite parts in the story is how you make it more descriptive!!! I thought "wow that is good, i wonder how I would feel like if i was the girl, the boy whoever" THAT WAS GOOD!!!

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR OTHERSSS!!!

Thanks, I'll definitively keep working at it!

the overall idea of this piece is wonderful.
but like many before me have said, it seems much more like a preface to a story about their love.
it moved pretty quickly but i think you could definitely stretch it out into something deeper.
it is a very appropriate piece for someone your age.
well done but keep working on it! it can be something great!

xo.

This was really good and only slightly depressing, but good. So here are a few nitpicks I found...

"Well what's wrong with that?" he said, half to himself. "It's just a dream. It can't hurt anything."

His heart beat quickly at the thought of it.

His heart beat hard in his chest.

But inside, the worst case scenarios raced through his mind, keeping up with the rapidly accelerating car.

Thanks so much Sunny! Very very helpful.

He held her tenderly in his arms. Warmth filled his body like a summer breeze, tingly and comforting. She whispered in his ear, "I'll never leave you." She whispered* again, but he could not make out what she had murmured. He looked into her face as it faded away, leaving him alone.

* You used "whispered" twice. You ought to choose a synonym.
--------------------

Jeremy awoke slowly, trying to get back to the dream. "I'll never leave you," he mumbled.

"What?" A gentle voice aroused him to full consciousness. He glanced over at his sleepy-eyed brother who was at the door. "Were you dreaming about that girl again?" he asked quietly.

[ "Derek, I told you. Not that girl. We've been dating for three years now. We've gone on picnics, and to the beach, I've taken her practically everywhere in Kateridge. But yeah, another one of those dreams." Jeremy replied. "Well what's wrong with that?" he said, half to himself. "It's just a dream. It can't hurt anything." ]

Wow. That whole paragraph was really unexpected. And confusing. And it didn't fit. You said it was early in the morning, and they are both sleepy. Why would he take the time to say all this when he's half asleep, and his brother probably isn't listening? I'd cut it down to something like:

"Were you dreaming about that girl again?" he asked quietly.

Jeremy sighed and said, "It was . . . just a dream. It can't hurt anything."

I'd leave the whole big explanation for a later conversation.

Jeremy got dressed and bounded down the steps happily. He was going to see her today. But this time it was different. He was going to ask her to marry him. His heart beat quickly at the thought of it. For months he had been thinking about this. And now the perfect [s]oppertunity[/s] opportunity came. Gazebo Park.* It was the prettiest park in all of Kateridge with small gazebos everywhere. NP>>"Mom, I'm going out to meet Caitlyn soon at the Gazebo Park, could I borrow the car?" He waited for a reply. “Mom?”

* Maybe it's just me. But "Gazebo Park" doesn't seem like a good name. It doesn't make you want to remember it, and it doesn't strike anything. It's just . . . a name. There. Maybe think of another one? Just a suggestion.

"In here, honey." At the sound of her voice, Jeremy walked into the study cautiously. Something in her tone sounded worried and frightened.

"Jeremy-" she paused. "Caitlyn can’t see you today, she’s-" He looked at her questioningly. "Well, the hospital attendant is on the phone for you." She handed him the [black phone,] mumbling, "Here he is," to the person on the other line. Jeremy searched his mother's face concernedly as she turned away. His heart fluttered nervously. He clutched the phone and brought it swiftly to his ear.

In brackets: "black phone" is awfully boring. And it might be because describing the phone isn't exactly what we want to read. Now, if it's a cord phone, or a mobile phone, you could put that because it is a certain type. But just saying "black phone" doesn't do much.[/b]

"Hello?" As his mother watched, frightened, his face became still and white. "You...you mean..." He slammed down the phone and demanded the keys from his startled mother. "I've got to go to her!"

"But...but Jeremy...Jeremy!" NP>>[s]The door slammed loudly.[/s]

But Jeremy wrenched open the door, and it slammed loudly behind him.

Jeremy got into the car. His heart beat hard in his chest. Was she [s]alright[/s] all right? Would she die? Had he gotten a chance to tell her recently how much he [s]appreciated[/s] loved* her?

* I am assuming he loved her. He was going to propose, right?

“Stop it, Jeremy,” he said under his breath. “She’s going to be fine.” But inside, the worst case scenarios raced through his mind, keeping up with the rapidly accelerating car. I like this.

Entering the hospital he waited in line to tell the attendant why he had come. He stared at the white walls, so ghostly and blank. [s]"This place reeks of death,"[/s] This place reeks of death, he thought. NP>>When he had explained a white cloaked man led him to her room.

“How’s she doing?” Jeremy asked anxiously, standing outside of the door. A troubled look came into the man’s eyes.

“Sir, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but she may not live much longer. She lost consciousness a few minutes ago.” Pain and fear swept over him. He opened the door quickly.

[Entering the room, he went over to the bed where she was laying. Her hair was messy and strewn about on the pillow. He noticed the way her dark eyelashes rested so softly on her white cheeks. ]

In brackets: this description seems inadequate. There's no beeping or whizzing of the machines tethering her feebly to life; no limp, weak breathing; no lank hair or pallid faces with dull, empty expressions. There's no feeling, none of the despair you would find hanging in the air in such a place. You need to work on this description.

"Caitlyn," he whispered. She did not open her eyes. "I’ll stay here,” he told the man, grief shattering his voice.

He waited all night with her, drifting off, his mind going back to years past.
----------------------------------- Please don't put these lines here. It disrupts the story. If you put the memories in italics, that a good enough separation.

She laughed gaily, slipping her little hand into his, making him feel warmer on that cold, winter evening. He looked into her eyes[s]. They sparkled[/s] , the [insert color, shape, etc.] sparkling with the life and joy she always seemed to have. They walked silently for a minute, him thinking about how he loved her, how much he would like to kiss her. Hmm, there's no location or scenery. Park, beach, street, day, night?

"Caitlyn- I want to give you something.” She looked up at him earnestly. "Close your eyes..." He stooped down to her height, laying his lips softly on her delicate rose-colored lips. The lips of Caitlyn. His* Caitlyn. His Caitlyn...

*Took off of italics to add emphasis.
----------------------------------- Again, no lines.

"Sir? Sir!" A hospital attendant shook Jeremy gently by the shoulders. He reluctantly came back from the dream. "Sir," the attendant [s]said[/s] repeated quietly, "she's . . . gone." NP>>Jeremy looked at him. He looked at the bed where Caitlyn was laying peacefully.

"She- she's gone," he repeated. His voice broke. Silent tears streamed down his face. The attendant left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Jeremy buried his head in his hands, sobbing openly. "She's gone, she's gone, she's gone," he whispered, trying to resist the urge to punch something, anything.

He took her hand affectionately, pressing it to his cheek, letting his tears run over her fingers. That cold, unmoving hand. The hand that used to clasp his so warmly, that used to wipe away his tears when he had dared to cry in front of her. Never again. Her sweet face no longer to smile, her heart, never to beat once more... Ah, wonderful. I really like this. It is very full of the emotion one feels when a friend, or more than a friend, has died.

Her lips, never to kiss his again. That [warm affectionate] kiss that swept him off his feet every single time…. His gentle words blended with tears of sorrow and grief-

In brackets: you've used "warm" and "affectionate" quite a few times now. Perhaps find differen words.

“I’ll never leave you.”

I'll come back and review this when I have time, I promise!

~Sunny

thanks, time for revision!

this was so good. seriously, i was completley absorbed the whole time. the only thing i'd say was missing was exactly why caitlyn died. i'd really like to know. and i do agree with another editor, this does sound more like a preface, but that's ok! it's perfect the way it is. anyways, definately keep writing more.

p.s. the reason this was so good is because your writing style just flows so naturally, it's like your watching a movie or a memory.

Hiya,
So I have to agree with the majority of those who have commented before me. I think this seems more like preface than an actual chapter. It's a nice introduction but I think you need a little more detail and background. Both of which can't really ever hurt.
Given that, I really like this work and I think the intent is nice. Prehaps the third time will be the charm?

clueless-
This doesn't seem like a chapter 1, more like a prologue or preface.
If this is part of a story then give more detail on Jeremy, Derek and Caitlyn. How old are they, likes, dislikes, what do they look like...you get the idea.
It's sweet that Jeremy wants to marry her but give more inside thoughts about why he wants to. I like to know more about the house, hospital, and Gazebo Park in full length description.
I thought it was great that you inserted the past with the present, it gives you the sense on what happened back then.
And “I’ll never leave you.” saying is really cute coming from Jeremy's and Caitlyn's mouth. It shows some type of connection there is between them.
Otherwise when you post up chapter 2 or revise this one, I'll look forward to reading it.
-Merry

The way you write is exceptional but everything is going by so fast. Take your time, flesh out Jeremy's surroundings. Make his day seem normal before he just automatically gets up and goes downstairs to get the car keys. Also, why wouldn't the hospital just call the house? I mean, a letter would take a long time to get there. You have a good start here but it really needs a little elbow grease.

Derek, I told you. Not that girl.