Published February 22, 2008
His eyes filled with love
His smile fills the room
His words flow smoothly and calmly
He loves me deep within
His eyes filled with hate
His rage suffocates me
His words spit from his mouth
He hates me with every inch
Such love
Such hate
So far apart
But too close for comfort
How are two opposites
So easy to interchange
Changing from day to day
Such easy emotions to sway
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Canary word: Present
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140,885 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
I don't like the first two stanza's they are over repetitive, if you changed it so every second line int the first two stanza's said 'his' then it would make the poem much better.
But besides that I absolutely adored the last two stanza's I think adriangarcia is absolutely dead on when he says that you have a hidden talent.
Now all you have to do is use and explore it
My last thing I will say is DO MORE POETRY! =)
Ooooooh the repetition.
I like the meaning of this, I think you can work with it. But reading it is a chore. The repetition grates and does nothing in particular.
You need some punctuation in here, and your final line is lacking punch. It doesn't feel like an ending at all. You need to hit out at your reader - silently or subtly, or even obviously and violently, to make them remember your poem.
You also need some description. Why does this happen, how does it happen... why should we care? you have to let the reader into that world, and the best way to do it is often imagery.
Hehe, perhaps I'm reading this differently.. but I found the flow to be stilted, hard to read, due to the punctuation.
I like the premiss... and I think if you worked with this it could be nice. But as is, I dislike it.
Always, just my opinion. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
At first glance, hated it. Second glance, loved it.
A problem you will face and I have no doubt someone will mention this after me is grammer. Specifically, punctuation. I really don't think some parts in this poem need it. But, just know that people will mention it.
The flow was great. I could hear this being spoken at a poetry club on mic night. Very bluesy and 'inner city.' Great. Good stuff.
Nice. There is no doubt you have a hidden talent. I would like to see more though. Something not so .... 'flowey.'