Published January 7, 2011
Bitten
Heating, fomenting, hot.
Arms shaking, grasping, scraping, begging.
Embrace exiting.
Falling.
Cooling, soothing, gentle,
How it feels to be kissed by the Snow
To be without breath,
Sin fear.
Frozen, stinging, bitter
Ice takes its grip,
tells you its gripes.
Stomach flattened.
Left in the Snow,
To be rescued, bitten,
Abandoned.
Turned to Ice.
(Kind of a quick 10 minute work, please give me some response and much critiquing and feel free to be critical. Thanks.
-Clever)
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137,681 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Thanks so much for reviewing, every one
the ideas of improvement from everyone are quite helpful and perhaps at a later date I will implement them. As much as I'd love to work on this poem, I am tired by it and need to have some space from it 
It's like the friend that calls you every day to hang out...and as much as you love this friend, you have already hung out 10 days in a row. Oh...my metaphors suck 
Anyway, thanks for the reviews.
Thanks so much for reviewing, every one
the ideas of improvement from everyone are quite helpful and perhaps at a later date I will implement them. As much as I'd love to work on this poem, I am tired by it and need to have some space from it 
It's like the friend that calls you every day to hang out...and as much as you love this friend, you have already hung out 10 days in a row. Oh...my metaphors suck 
Anyway, thanks for the reviews.
Good, but like I tell everyone else, use more figurative language. Give some more imagery and hyperboles. It is good though, just needs some work. When I started writing my poetry, i read others and saw what they used for figurative language and such, try that. Just don't copy them, be original and it'll be an awesome poem.
Hiya
Great write.
I thought this was pretty good - I liked the idea of the piece, that is. Whether I like the style (I'll get to that in a minute) or not, the idea of the poem is always the most important, and you got your thoughts across well.
Now. Usually I'm not too fond of this style. While it allows you to incorporate some good diction and images, it lacks the ability to actually expand on those images and give the reader a wider view of what's actually happening in the piece.
Other than that, as I said, I like the idea
You have some really nice sparks of insight and creativity here, but right now some flaws are distracting a lot of attention from them.
You built this on an interesting pattern that seems to go something like:
Line 1: Adjectives
Line 2: Narrator experience
Line 3: Explanation
Line 4: Staccato piece of description
This is repeated in each stanza, and it's a unique style that I haven't seen before. However, with the way you've done it there is very little imagery or concrete emotion. This leaves the reader without anything to really hold onto. Try expanding each line a bit so that the poem offers more depth and content.
Also, starting each stanza with multiple adjectives ends up flooding the reader's head with description and, as a result, dulling the effect of that description. If you instead choose just one image or feeling and explore it more deeply, the impact will be much stronger.
The "sin" feels kind of odd here.. If you change it to "To be without breath, without fear" you introduce some nice repetition.
Your metaphor of a lover being like snow on an overheating body (at least that's how I took it) is excellent. You do a good job of introducing this idea in the first two stanzas, but you seem to switch approaches after that. The snow goes from being soothing to stinging and bitter. This could be a reference to how love can quickly change, but it that's true, I suggest making that transition more clear.
That said, the original metaphor is so nice that I would love to see that comparison continued throughout the poem and the downward turn taken out. You have the framework for for an artistically done, moving, and happy poem. That's a pretty rare occurrence, so I would suggest pursuing an optimistic tone rather than a pessimistic one.
Good work, this poem has great potential.
Hi Clever!
I read this twice, and came to the conclusion this poem is a short about heartbreak, not simply winter as the literal translation plays out. Am I right?
If it is just about winter in general, I'd appreciate more detail into the ideas than just what the snow and ice feels like. Instead, what does it make you feel? What makes the ice special or forboding to you as an individual?
~~Elder
Hey Clever,
I think that was quite good. But it lacked detail description.
What do you want to say from this poem? Hurt, death, Freezing to death?
With Best Wishes.
Ruth.