It was in England, when the world was much younger, that this which I am about to tell you took place. Back when Sundays were regarded as days for the Lord by almost all peoples. Back when ways were simple yet life was hard. You may call it the era of Richard the Lionheart, or perhaps the tale of Robin Hood - only this is not his story, but one of another.
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“Phud!” An arrow thudded into a tall oak tree which marked the main trail, thus splintering its bark. The mini caravan traveling along the trail stopped dead in its tracks, all eyes searching for the unseen shooter. The leader, it can be assumed, looked into the thickest set of brambles.
“Who goes there?” his words were like a mere twig amongst an army of trampling soldiers as he called out.
A second arrow, this one noticeably tufted with speckled gray owl feathers, shot past the man who had spoke, just grazing his shoulder and slitting his cloak. And as the arrow passed, so too did a shadow among the trees. One blink and the caravan was surrounded, four men circling closer and closer to particularly the wooden carriage. One young man stepped just ahead of the others, heading straight for the man who had spoken. In hand he carried a magnificent bow; a shaft of feathered arrows crossed his shoulders.
“It is we gentlemen of the Forest of Crane.” he said, his voice sounding as rough as sandpaper. “And I am leader, Alvarez.”
The man’s horrified look said all as he turned towards the cloth-covered carriage. “I’m only a trader..a humble merchant!”
One of the men surrounding, his shirt ripped along the side from an obvious rough encounter, stepped forward, pulling off the sheet that covered the wagon. Crammed inside sat a dozen or so peasants, the mistreatment shining clear on their worn faces.
The man known as Alvarez only raised his eyebrows as he gazed over the future slaves, and he only lost his countenance for a second when his eyes rested upon one figure in particular. “So you must be expecting a lot of money for these, eh?” he blatantly asked the merchant, earning a energetic nod. He turned toward his men. “We can take em from here, boys, can’t we?”
It was then that the merchant took a desperate rush forward, flicking a sharp blade from his pocket, and raised it toward this leader of rogues. Alvarez spun around, his fingers already nocking an arrow to his bow and raising it. Effectively, the merchant was upon the ground in a few seconds, blood trickling from a wound in his chest. His head lolled.
Without a sound, Alvarez unhitched the caged-door to the carriage, setting the peasants free. An objection rose up from one of his men.
“You’re letting them go? We could’ve used the money!” The man, called Larik, was swiftly ignored as his leader watched most of the peasants scatter away. A few stayed, standing beside each other.
As the last figure jumped off the back of the carriage, Alvarez swiftly grabbed its arm, pulling it towards him. “You can stop pretending now, Robyn.” he said, pulling back the hood to reveal a pair of glaring brown eyes. Soft crimson hair fell past her shoulders, and fists lashed out at him.
“You can’t win my heart this way, Beckland Alvarez.” Robyn scoffed, and yanked up her hood again as Beckland let her go.
“I saved your life.” he objected, crossing his arms over his chest. “You can’t go back to Crane, I heard what happened to your father.”
A glimpse of hurt grazed over her features, and then it was gone, turning to anger. “Rumors are not always true. At least, not all the way. They killed him, yes, and I escaped Clem.” she told him. “Myself.”
“Then his men will be looking for you, Miss, if I may say.” Larik spoke up again. He glanced at his leader, who nodded, convinced.
“Stay with us, and they will never find you.” Beckland met Robyn’s gaze again. Then he looked back up to his men, and the few peasants that had stayed. “We’re headed back home. Lead the way, Malone.”
As the group started back towards the outlaws’ camp, a dark figure remained in the shadows, watching. A crude smile broke the shadowy gloom where he sat, and he backed deeper into the shadows, his course set directly for the castle walls of the kingdom of Jertile, in which Crane lay.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello I'm going to give you a reviewww! The title really caught my attention -very short and sweet so I thought I'd give it a read. I'm going to list my observations as I read along - I hope I can help you out
.. And obviously it's just my personal opinion 
.. I just feel like that's a really unusual thing to say xD.. So maybe clarify that a bit. The fact that this person repeats sounds makes him sound quite childlike - like toddlers repeat sounds n things . Is that how you want them to come across? Or waaat 
..
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. Just my opinion though ! 
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Right so, let's get started eh! Paragraph 1.. I read the review below about taking this bit out but actually I feel it suits the story quite well. It's an old fashioned introduction which fits the historical era! I feel you should keep it , but it's up to youuuu!
One critique with paragraph 1.. Actually two critiques ..
"It was in England, when the world was much younger, that this which I am about to tell you took place. Back when Sundays were regarded as days for the Lord by almost all peoples. Back when ways were simple yet life was hard."
No.1) "for the Lord by almost all peoples" should be "all people"
No.2) "Back when the ways were simple" - what ways? Pretend the reader knows nothing about this era - tell us the "ways" .. And also, I feel it's a little contradicting because how can life be hard if the ways they lived were simple? I dunno but it needs expanding in my opinion.
Right my next critique comes in the next paragraph !
"Phud!” An arrow thudded into a tall oak tree which marked the main trail"
.. I feel like "Phud" and "thudded" are too similar in my opinion so maybe mix it up a little! For instance, maybe like "Phud!" An arrow slammed into a tree...
Also, is someone genuinely saying that? "Phud!" Coz ya know if not you don't need speech marks
I must say I do really like how you describe what's going on - you give good imagery of the action and it's clear to understand what's occurring . So well done
Next critique ... " It is we gentleman of the Forest of Crane"
Personally think it would sound better " It is us , the gentleman of Forest of Crane"
Then, I personally would alter...
" A glimpse of hurt grazed over her features, and then it was gone, turning to anger. “Rumors are not always true. At least, not all the way. They killed him, yes, and I escaped Clem.” she told him. “Myself.”"
I would alter the last bit to ... "..Yes and I escaped Clem- myself" (dunno how to put italics xD)
One last critique, I know it's the first chapter but I feel like I'm lacking a connection with these characters and I think you should define their personalities a little bit more through the way they act
Overall, I like the plot and I'm interested to see what will happen and how this will develop into something more. So please notify me when you've got the next part! I really admire how you're taking a new spin on something quite classic - I haven't seen much of that on YWS! So well done
Hello!
I really like the premise of the story, and am excited to see where exactly you are going with this story! Your writing is fluid and easy to read, and the pacing is decent. I only have a few suggestions.
First and foremost is the introduction. I would not include this. The setting could easily be made apparent within the first chapter, and other than that the information provided within the first couple sentences only distances the reader from the story. My suggestion would be to start the story larger. Describe the forest. Describe the Caravan. Give hints as to the time period. The rest can be expanded upon later.
Next, the mini battle between our heroes and the soldiers. Why wasn't there one? I highly doubt they would give in without even the slightest disobedience. Plus, the action would make the story a bit more fun!
Next, the whole bit with the slaves. England during this time was actually a feudal society. What this means is that the use of slaves was actually very low due to the fact that most of the labor was provided by the serfs who lived on the lord's land. There is the king at the top, who is provided with military service from the lords(who in turn receive land and wealth). Next are priests, craftsmen, etc who are paid for their services and expertise. Last are serfs - people who are allowed to use the lord's land in return for a portion of their gain(whether that be crops, money, or labor within the lord's manor). Slaves, therefore, were unnecessary during this time. Just some food for thought.
And finally, the dialogue within this portion seemed a bit forced, likely due to the fact that the reader has gotten very little interaction with the characters. If you extend this chapter a bit, it should help with that.
Hope my suggestions helped!