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Young Writers Society


12+

Escape

by clarevelyn13


          Once, I smiled. Everyone used to, I’m sure – but not anymore. I remember those older times, in which the sun would shine upon my back and wrap me in its warmth. That’s also when my mother was alive. She made me smile too – and it was only she who could make me laugh – a true, virtuous laugh. Then she was gone. I can’t remember how, but that’s not what I like to think about. I want to remember her as she was in those happy days, those days when we would smile together, laughing about who-knows-what. Now it is a dark time, full of no reasons to smile – at least from my point of view. In this new world I feel alone, even though there are others like me. All of us – The Rebel Force – have been lost since the Time of the Plunge. Many have given up, but like me, there are some who have chosen to seek for the sun again – for the smiles – or at least be able to die trying. I only hope we find them soon, because I know I can’t go on much longer without something more than just a glimmer of hope.

~~~

          Commanding shouts and the sharp sound of blasters awaken me from sleep. I blink, but the world stays dark around me. It is dank and musty in these caves in which we had been forced to escape to. I sit up, and I am alone among a nest of empty sleeping sacks, barely outlined in the dim lantern light. It is hard to see – even placing my hand in front of my face looks fuzzy. My body begins to quicken its pace as I hurriedly pull on a leather belt and thrust myself to a standing position, taking my blaster with me as I go. By now the sounds of combat are becoming louder, and I can hear the shouts and yells of my commanding officer more clearly as I jog towards the tunnels through which the sounds of battle are echoing.

          “Gatlin! Obdris! Help the Right Wing! Warren! – WHERE’S WARREN??” Scrambling forward into the darkness I head towards the sharp callings of my commander. There are thin bars of red and blue light shooting across the blackness that I can see – lasers; the most modern weapons of war. Fired from our blasters, they are powerful enough to pierce through any metal at the speed of light. The thud of bodies and clad of metal can be heard every so often. I don’t know if we are winning. We have been at this for days, probably weeks – but who could tell without a sun or much sense of daylight?

          “CYRUS BOY, GET IN POSITION!” Officer Carter grabs my shoulder, shoving me in the right direction. I am still disoriented from sleep, but I try not to let it show. A weary soldier is no good for The First League of The Rebel Force. I am no weary solider.

          The firing and constant action of fingers on cold metal wastes no time waking me up the rest of the way. The enemy lines are barely visible with each burst of laser light that hits them, but with every second of visibility, they seem to be getting closer and closer. Then it happens. A sudden eruption of light and heat exploded somewhere down our line of troops, blowing us all backwards. As I hit the hard ground a splintering pain makes my shoulder throb. My world goes black – and this time, I can’t even see the outline of my hand in front of my face.

~~~

          Slowly, my mind begins to register again. I am vaguely aware of voices around me, and I realize my name is in their conversation.

          “He was the last one they found – no, the others are dead – just these three now – Warren I think.” As I begin to hear more and more I realize that I can also feel – I lay on a smooth surface, but it is cold. My neck feels wet and sticky. My shoulder is throbbing – and then I remember the explosion.

          “Look, he’s stirring.” One of the voices, gentler, speaks again. I am suddenly aware of a presence very close to me. I blink open my eyes, which is hard – they must be crusted with dirt – or blood. Directly above me a face peers down, light hair outlined in lamplight. Another face blocks the light almost completely, with blue eyes staring intently.

          “Yup, Warren’s finally up. They did say he was a heavy sleeper,” the second voice says, with a spark of humor in his tone. All the while my eyes are adjusting to the new light, and I quickly realize I am no longer in the caves. I begin to sit up, and sturdy hands help me. I feel surprisingly stronger, except for the pulsating pain in my shoulder.

          “Where am I?” I am squinting, taking in the view around me when I get an answer.

          “You’re safe with us,” the woman tells me, which I find irritating.

          “Where?” I say again, and this time, a more familiar, but sarcastic voice answers me.

          “They’ve relocated us to Durwen.” I look to my left, and see the face of Zara Obdris – not exactly the most comforting person, but familiar. “You know where that is, don’t you Slug?”

          “Of course he does, his mommy taught him everything before the war. Didn’t she, Warren?” I know whose voice that is too. It’s no wonder that Gatlin and Obdris are the only other survivors. Just my luck.

          “Shut it, Merek,” I say, and begin to slide myself off the cot I lay. I am rewarded with a fresh sting of pain and I cringe. I know I need to get out of this place, but I also know the people in charge would not ever let me. I would have to make them let me.

          “Woah there, you need to relax,” the woman says to me. “Your head was knocked pretty bad back there.” I let them help me back onto the cot, reluctantly. Questions are drowning out my other thoughts, namely: How was I going to get out of here? I don’t trust doctors of any kind, not since I lost my mother. The needles and sterilization and artificially calm voices all make me feel like their experiment. Silently I reposition myself as far as I can without awakening another wave of pain. I look to my right, and then to my left. Zara and Merek both lay on metal cots as well. The glass door is not far off, and the room is remarkably bright. If my eyes can adjust fast enough, I could grit my teeth and make a run for it–

          “Time for injections.” My heart leaps in my chest at those words, and I watch as the male doctor holds up a needled syringe. Inside its clear tube resides a stale-looking green liquid, and it’s enough to make me want to gag. The doc heads toward Merek’s cot first, who just lays there, prepared to take it. He’s braver than I thought – of course, I’m kind of a sissy when it comes to needles. Then something awful happens: as the gross liquid enters into Merek, his whole body tenses up. His eyes become widened with a mix of fright and stiff pain – I have never seen the guy so startled before. His body seems totally frozen; out of his control. “You should feel a bit of numbing,” says the doc, whose tone of voice is full of mock, and whose hand is already reaching for the next needle. Now I know I have to get out of here. Pronto. I glance toward Zara’s cot, where she has remained in a sort of half-sitting, half-laying position. Her eyes only meet mine for a mere second, but it is enough to confirm my worries about the mysterious green liquid: it is poison.

          “I don’t think I need that,” I state dumbly as the female doctor starts towards me, venomous needle in hand. It had to be a poisonous draught of some kind – either that or some weird, rigor mortis-inducing drug.

          “Oh sweetheart, hold still,” comes the reply, but the tone of the word “sweetheart” does not at all sound sweet. I look over again at Merek, who is now beginning to have a shady green look about his complexion – oh great. Even for a guy who always liked to find a way to butt heads, this was not right. Someone had to do something – no, I had to do something. Hastily my mind formulates a solid plan – okay, half of a plan, which isn’t very solid, either – but still a plan. As the woman and her needle come closer, I lay still, pretending to be obliging. I wait until the last possible moment – until I can see the whites of her eyes eagerly gleaming with something much different than the caring nature of a doctor. Then I act.

          “No, I really don’t need that, you scum.” As I mutter the words through gritted teeth, I suddenly spring up, my hands grabbing the syringe from the doctor and turning the needle-end to face her body. I try my best to ignore the rush of pain that comes to me, and can feel myself beginning to lose my balance from weakness. Yet my maneuver has made both of the experimenters freeze and look a bit pale, as if they themselves had just been injected. I point the syringe at them like a gun as I move towards Zara, who has also risen off her cot. The door is just a few feet away from us, but as I start toward it, she holds me back in panic.

          “Cyrus, what about Merek?” Her voice is so full of concern that for a moment I thought she must not be the same Zara I had known for years. I follow her gaze towards the far cot, where Merek is writhing in pain, his form still looking numb and slightly green.

          “It’s too late for him,” I decide aloud, and practically have to drag her back towards the door. Yet at this point the docs have caught on, and once again stand between me and my future. With the syringe still in hand, I decide to use it. Lunging forward, with Zara on my heels, I slam my body into the woman, knocking her off balance and into a cart full of syringes, which are knocked off the cart and down to the floor, shattering green glop everywhere. Then the man is coming at me, and I charge back, jamming the needle-end of the syringe into his left forearm as I come close enough. Immediately he weakens at the knees, and Zara and I push past him through the glass doorway, out into the bright, artificially lit hallway. I become aware of an alarm sounding, and an invisible voice echoing through the hallway.

          “All units to Sector Three. Repeat, all units to Sector Three.” I can hear the pounding of feet coming rapidly closer, and take Zara by the arm, starting to run. Normally it would have been quite difficult for me to run under the painful circumstances I was in, but as the adrenaline starts to kick in, my body finds a way. We run for what seems like forever, until we come across a bleeping red exit sign. A miracle. Without hesitation, I push on the door, sounding off another alarm and alerting the rest of the world of our presence. The hot outside air hits me with an unfamiliarity – it feels strange and unnatural to be above ground, having been fighting in the caves for so long. Yards ahead of us stands a tall, metal fence and gate, and beyond that lies desert. Just in front of us are parked a variety of vehicles, like an all-you-can-eat get-away-car selection.

          “Oh, Merek,” I hear Zara with a slight cry in her voice, and I really don’t blame her. I look back to her, and notice somehow in the midst of this madness she has obtained a blaster.

          “C’mon, let’s do this for him,” I say, and taking her hand, run towards the nearest vehicle, a motorcycle. Somehow I find its keys already set in the ignition, and all I have to do is press the accelerator to start speeding forward – right towards the gate. Zara, sitting behind me, seems rather content with her arms around my waist – a little too content for a girl who usually swears she despises me. As the two of us zoom across the yard on the motorcycle, I hear a pack of something being released some way behind us. I turn around for a quick glance, and my jaw drops. Ferociously chasing us are what appear to be half-human, half-wolf-like creatures. They have a slight greenish tint to their bodies.

          “CYRUS!” Zara apparently cannot believe what we are­ seeing either – who could? She points the blaster, but cannot seem to pull the trigger. That greenish tint…those awkwardly stiff bodies…

          “Zara, the gate! Shoot the gate!” I am practically screaming now, as we zip towards the metal bars that are the only obstacle left blocking our exit. Still, the creatures are gaining on us, and there would be no time to stop to climb the fence, which probably had some electrical charge at the top anyway. Zara snaps back to attention, aiming the gun at the hinges of the gate, and fires the laser beam. A mini explosion makes the metal swing open, just enough for the motorcycle to shoot through, and it does.

          Then it is suddenly just us and the desert. I slow the bike down, eventually to a standstill. We both look back towards the black, nightmarish smudge in the distance. There are no words spoken, but a fact remains clear to both of us. The Rebel Force lost a great soldier in Merek. At the same time, the two of us might be all they have right now. We are the remains of the First League. We have to keep fighting, seeking for the sun once more.


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373 Reviews


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 4:14 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi there, Knight Ink will be rescuing this chapter from the Green Room today. This is a really exciting story idea you have here--rebels! Strange liquids! The First League!

First things first. I wasn't so fond of your first paragraph. It felt like an introduction to the whole story--like a prologue actually. I learn about Cyrus' mom, the Rebel Force--but I don't see how it connects to the rest of the chapter.

I also agree with Pomeroy below that, yes, it would have been better if you expanded the action scene more. In the beginning, I had nearly no idea about whom they were fighting actually and that is not a really great way to start a story. I didn't really see their enemy and the setting wasn't established so well here.

Fired from our blasters, they are powerful enough to pierce through any metal at the speed of light. The thud of bodies and clad of metal can be heard every so often. I don’t know if we are winning. We have been at this for days, probably weeks – but who could tell without a sun or much sense of daylight?


This feels a little interruption to your fast-paced scene and I suggest to cut that part out. Perhaps some showing would be nice here, but remember that the most important part: the fighting. I actually think for that scene, pacing was relatively okay but I would have loved to see shorter, more-tension packed sentences.

In the next scene, I was also a little confused. First, Zara and Medek were referred to by their last names and then it abruptly shifted to first. I think all confusion would be cut out if you chose to stick with one way.

I was also wondering how Cyrus could figure out so quickly that the liquid in the syringe was poison. Revelations are often tricky to write (from my own experience) and that's why I wanted to point it out. Making the revelation more realistic would improve it a notch, in my opinion. For example, if Cyrus and Zara were a little nervous and tried to postpone it--and boom! they eventually realize it's poison and run away.

The runaway scene actually moved too fast in my opinion. It would have been more exciting if you slowed it down a little and perhaps included some close calls! It can keep the reader on the edge of their pants. But the last few sentences were really good--it was kind of a nice hook. I'm really intrigued here. What's happened to the rest of the crew? Did they die? Or what? this chapter was quite a hook for me, and some expansion would make a it a bigger improvement. Feel free to use my suggestions or not, and message me if you want to discuss! Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

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Fri Apr 07, 2017 11:05 pm
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Pomeroy wrote a review...



Sorry for the overwhelmingly long review. Even if I had a lot of comments about it, I'll assure you that I did enjoy reading this! I liked the way some of the slang was put in there without much explanation. Like when Obdris called Cyrus a Slug. You don't add what the exact definition of "slug" is, but you can tell that it's a derogatory name of some sort. The lack of definition makes the setting seem more real and natural, like it's a normal thing that belongs there in the universe, and it's not difficult for the reader to catch on the general gist of its meaning.

The first paragraph is really nice and makes me curious to find out more. I touch a little bit on how I think the first paragraph can be altered, but for the most part, I think you did a really nice job of it.
Save for the ending paragraph. More specifically, the last two sentences. It leaves a huge opening for a second chapter, and I know that there's a huge quest ahead of our characters. The plot/goal of this story is clear, however how they'll get there isn't, which is the perfect set up in my opinion.

Anyways, on with some of my thoughts! Sorry if this is a scary amount to read, but I do hope it helps you out even just a little bit.

My first complaint is that the main characters wakes up and everyone is gone, supposedly because they all left for battle already. But my question is, why did no one wake him up? Why isn't he already out in battle with everyone else? Starting a story off with the main character waking up is always kind of cliche, and in this instance it doesn't make much sense that he would be asleep, since he should be out fighting with the rest of the rebels already.

Also, a red flag for me is when people use their character falling unconscious in order to change scenes. Yes, sometimes that kind of thing can be valid. But if your character doesn't need to fall unconscious and you're just using that as a way to get to the next scene, it just seems like a cheap cop-out to get to the next scene, you know?

Another thing, the main character isn't very clear. At first someone calls him Warren- I think? And then later someone calls him Cyrus. It's kind of confusing. It doesn't really take away from what's happening much, but it would be nice to have a clear protagonist.

The description of the battle in the beginning is really good, in my opinion. My only complaint is that it's so short. Cyrus wakes up in the middle of the battle when he could have been awake at the beginning (if you did that, you could avoid the cliche intro of him waking up, and you could show a little bit of what the Rebels do when they're not out fighting and whatnot). And then he falls unconscious when he JUST gets to the battle, so you don't even get to see a lot of the battle, and that was honestly really disappointing. If you extended that scene more, and didn't abruptly end because of Cyrus falling unconscious, I think it would be a more satisfying scene.

"That’s also when my mother was alive."
You could cut "also" out, it makes the sentence flow nicer. If you did that, you would want to divide "That's" to "That was," because just having "That's" makes it seem like "That is," which would make the sentence seem like you're switching tenses halfway through with "is" and then "was."

"Many have given up, but like me, there are some who have chosen to seek for the sun again – for the smiles – or at least be able to die trying. I only hope we find them soon, because I know I can’t go on much longer without something more than just a glimmer of hope."
I would change the bolded section to "or die trying." It's less wordy and gets the same message across just fine.
Also, just my own personal feelings here, but I think it would be more interesting if you ended that paragraph with that part. The way the paragraph ends right now is fine, but I think I would have been "hooked" as a reader more if it ended on the suspenseful note of "or die trying." Because you've set up their goal, but also a mysterious conflict.
But as I said, it's fine the way it is.

"Slowly, my mind begins to register again. I am vaguely aware of voices around me, and I realize my name is in their conversation."
This is really wordy. It could easily be condensed and more direct. Something like, "Slowly, I came to consciousness. I hear voices; they're talking about me."

“He was the last one they found – no, the others are dead – just these three now – Warren I think.” As I begin to hear more and more I realize that I can also feel – I lay on a smooth surface, but it is cold. My neck feels wet and sticky. My shoulder is throbbing – and then I remember the explosion."
Again, this is all really wordy. The dialogue is nice! But you don't need to say anything flowery to allow your main character to explore his surroundings.

"Questions are drowning out my other thoughts, namely: How was I going to get out of here? I don’t trust doctors of any kind, not since I lost my mother."
What other thoughts? Cyrus didn't really seem to be having many thoughts that weren't questions. I would suggest changing this to something maybe along the lines of, "My mind flooded with [more] questions..."

"I become aware of an alarm sounding, and an invisible voice echoing through the hallway."
There are quite a few statements like this throughout this chapter where Cyrus "notices" or "becomes aware" of things, when you could simply state that something is happening. For example, instead of this statement, just say, "An alarm went off." Saying that he notices it or any variation breaks up the flow and I can't find myself really engaging in the story. I feel detached from everything that is happening because the wording doesn't really let me experience what's happening first hand, but more like it's a second thought. Does that make sense? I feel like I worded that badly. Ironic, considering I'm talking about wording.
Another thing which is similar, you say "suddenly" quite a few times. Something I learned very early on was to avoid the word "suddenly." Don't tell your reader that something was sudden, write it in a way that it IS sudden, and they'll know. "Suddenly there was an explosion" is different than just writing, "There was an explosion." If it was sudden, the reader will know. If you have to tell a reader that something is suddenly happening, you defeat its suddenness.

"I can hear the pounding of feet coming rapidly closer"
I don't have any complaints here, i just wanted to say that I really like this sentence.

"“Oh, Merek,” I hear Zara with a slight cry in her voice, and I really don’t blame her. I look back to her, and notice somehow in the midst of this madness she has obtained a blaster."
Some writing advice I heard and have forever found amazing: "Coincidences that get your characters in trouble are great; coincidences that get your characters out of trouble is cheating." This bit isn't necessarily getting your characters [i]out[/b] of trouble, but it is definitely giving them a little bit of an advantage. If you're going to give them this advantage, you need to have an explanation. As a reader, I'm not going to accept this unexplained coincidence that Zara somehow got a blaster. Have them fight some guards in the hall or something- after all, they did get out fairly unscathed, some conflict wouldn't hurt any.

"“C’mon, let’s do this for him,” I say, and taking her hand, run towards the nearest vehicle, a motorcycle. Somehow I find its keys already set in the ignition, and all I have to do is press the accelerator to start speeding forward – right towards the gate. Zara, sitting behind me, seems rather content with her arms around my waist – a little too content for a girl who usually swears she despises me."
You give the impression when Cyrus first found that Obdris and Merek were still alive that Cyrus wasn't a fan of either of them. Why is he so willing to grab her hand? Is she incapable of running for herself? Also, if she has the blaster, I feel like having one hand in his would hinder her from handling her weapon. If she's a soldier, wouldn't it be in character for her to be alert with her weapon, even as she runs to safety?
And again. Zara and Cyrus don't seem to like each other very much, so I feel like it's out of character for her to be comfortable clinging to him. You acknowledge that yourself in this part. If it's out of character, don't just allow it to happen.

Also, as Obdris and Cyrus are escaping whatever clinic-place that they're in, you should keep sentences short. Long sentences defeat the urgency of what's happening. When your characters are in a calm, safe setting, they have time to think, to observe, to act instead of react. But right now they're being chased, they're scared and in pain. Short sentences help everything feel fast-paced, which is good when you're writing scenes where things should be happening quickly.

The entire scene with the doctor getting ready to give the three injections feels too rushed, and I feel like Cyrus' and Obdris' suspicions aren't really satisfied by the three seconds after Merek got his injection. How would they know it was poison? He stiffened, sure, but that could be because of a dozen other things. Why was their first thought that it was poison? Also, it seems unwise for the doctor to try and poison them all in the same room because it risks them overpowering them and getting away. If his goal was to kill them, wouldn't he want to separate them so they wouldn't be able to see that their friends were being killed?

I just feel like the whole scene seemed a little rushed, like you had an idea for a later scene, but you didn't know how exactly to go about getting to it. Does that make sense?

I would encourage sticking with one name because it's kind of confusing. Like I said before about it being confusing that you went from Warren to Cyrus, and then back to Warren. Then you introduced Obdris and Galtin, but then Cyrus/Warren refers to one of them (you don't specify which) as Merek. You introduced Obdris as Zara Obdris, so I was expecting you to flip flop between those two names, but I still recommend that you choose one and stick with that one.
It's different with character dialogue though because, obviously someone who's close to one person might call them by their first name rather than their surname. For example, Cyrus refers to Galtin as Merek, so that could mean a few things.

There's quite a bit of areas throughout this piece where you have really wordy sentences that kind of take away from the story. I would suggest going through it and simplifying bits and pieces. It's okay to describe things in simple terms.

It's a little disorganized, sorry about that. I tried to separate direct quotes from the chapter and just long rambling I had about larger, less direct areas of the story.
Anyways, as I said, I did enjoy reading this! It has a lot of potential, and I feel like you've set up the story really well, even if it does seem a little rough right now.

I hope this helped some! Keep writing, you're doing a great job!

~Pomeroy





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— JazzElectrobass